Saturday, December 27, 2008

Greensville Weekly: The Championship Edition

I'm taking a break from my christmas goodies fueled diabetic coma to breakdown the championship game in Greensville. Just think...a week from now I'm going to need to find addition blog fodder.


(1) Bill's Corn Pads vs. (3) The Cunt Returner
Greensville has seen it's share of beginner luck, but I don't foresee a Cunt being returned to the green room. One thing that you should keep an eye on is that Bill is starting Darren Sproles over the likes of Sammy Morris this week. That little tweak is going to make this game a bit more interesting. If Philip Rivers doesn't save his bacon again this week, it's gonna be a silver and not the gold for the default rookie of the year. I think Bill takes home Greensville gold this year in a hard fought championship game.

I somehow weaseled my way back into the finals of Sam's league. If I manage to win that league back to back I might need to sit down and reorganize my priorities. There is a lot of luck in fantasy football, but there is a ton more nerdery. To quote Jim Rome "Playing fantasy football isn't a problem, but winning means you are a loser". Yes...a loser with another gold trophy in his Yahoo! case. BOOOOSH!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

An Eye Towards UFC 2009.

A week away from what should be the best fight card of 2008; I considered writing about and predicting the outcomes of UFC 92. However, a man of vision like myself must not be afraid to look ahead into the future and beyond. So I put the UFC 92 entry on the back burner and decided to write about some of the guys that I think will have a breakout year in the UFC '09.

Kenny "Ken Flo" Florian-
The feared grappler turned striking machine had a phenomenal 2008 beating the likes of Joe Lauzon, Roger Huerta and Joe Stevenson all in convincing fashion. The only thing missing was the shot at the title, which has been put on hold due to the BJ Penn/ George St. Pierre showdown going down in January. Penn is going to be a great test for Kenny, who should be able to hold his own on the ground and standing. Florian has an incredibly balanced attack and should be considered just as dangerous as GSP in the promotion's most stacked division.

Thiago Alves-

One of the most notable fighters from American Top Team in Florida; Thiago's 2008 run was very similar to that of Kenny Florian's. He simply dismantled Matt Hughes, when a flying knee knocked the holy ghost out of crazy Christian and then went on to make Josh Koscheck regret taking a fight on such short notice later in the year. Also similar to Florian he is waiting for the outcome of the Penn/ St. Pierre for his title shot. Alves' Muy Thai skills will give GSP a run for his money and even if he loses out, I'm looking forward to his match with Diego Sanchez.

Demian Maia-
Proof that a submission artist can find success in the UFC. His fight with Jason MacDonald was one of my favorites of the year as each countered and reversed submission attempts leaving Maia the winner by rear-naked choke. Maybe the fight with mma blog whipping boy Caleb Starnes left Nate Quarry a little too confident, because Maia had their fight won within in the first minute. Middleweight champion Anderson Silva may be out of reach for the moment as he eyes retirement and bigger challenges, but Maia should use 2009 to make his case as one of the best fighters in the weight class.

Light Heavyweight
Lyoto Machida-
Lyoto's defensive point karate style rarely finishes fights, but when guys like Rich Franklin and Brandon Vera openly avoid him you know the potential for a superstar exist. The guy refuses to trade punches with you, but that doesn't mean you won't be huffing his feet, knees and fist when you fight him...ask Tito. His next opponent, Thiago Silva, shares a record of 13-0 but doesn't have the hit list of Lyoto (BJ Penn, Sokodoju, Franklin, Ortiz). Even when he challenges for the title in 2009, people will still insist that he can't finish and lacks KO power. They may be right, but he just keeps winning.

Brock Lesnar-
As much as I hate it, Brock is here to stay. The UFC baptized him in fire by pitting him against veterans in his first 3 fights. The wins over Couture (hey I spelled that right on the first try) and Heath Herring overshadow his loss to Frank Mir. Who amongst us has never been caught in an ankle lock? Smart money says he will be fight Big Nog for the title mid 2009, but even if he ends up with a Mir rematch it's going to be an interesting year for the real life end boss. His strength alone is scary, but combine that with his freakish speed and ability to straight up slaughter opponents pinned under him and you have a recipe for the centerpiece of UFC's heavyweight division.

People I'm watching outside the UFC

Shinya Aoki-

The panted submission artist from Japan is set to fight New Year's Eve under the Dream card, which I consider to be on par with the UFC. This guy is the truth. Watching the positions he puts his body in to tap people is like watching Dhalsim in realy life. If for some reason he finds his way to the UFC in 2009 it could spell disaster for the lightweight elite.

Andrei Arlovski-
Still my favorite MMA fighter. We will find out what sort of year could be in store for Andrei early on when he fights the world's #1 heavyweight Fedor. Fedor is a machine, but does have difficulty when it comes to strikers. He has never faced anyone with feet and hands swift as Arlovski and couple that with almost a year of training with boxing legend Freddie Roach and I say this fight is more even than most propose. If Affliction folds after their "Day of Reckoning" event, then Andrei may have to consider a return to the UFC. Whether or not he will find open arms is a question.

"Play it again Andrei"

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Greensville Weekly: Sad Boosh Edition

DOWN GO THE WOBBLERS! DOWN GO THE WOBBLERS! As did Favre, Omega and Buck Naked. Personally I blame my inability to start a TE worth a shyte any given week. Had I started Zach Miller...this would be a completely different post. So there will be a new mayor of Greensville this year, it's just gonna take two more rounds to figure out who.

On must go the Weekly report matter how much it hurts.

Round 2...FIGHT!

(1) Bill vs (5)Asian Balls:
Both teams went above the 200 mark last week and it seems that's what it's gonna take to win. This is going to be determined by WRs and D. If Bess and Breaston can out perform Bowe and Mason I like Asian Balls' chances. However, Matt's notorious hatred for Asians will probably result in several inexplicable points. Overall I give it to Dave to pull off the upset.

(2) 4th and Schlong vs (3) The Cunt Returner:
Here we go again. The battle of the kissing cousins. More appropriately you can refer to this as the Waiver Wire bowl. 4th is going with the he-man woman hater Larry Johnson as a RB2 and Cunt is taking a chance on Tavaris Jackson. I would give this one to Ashton just for not being the one starting Tavaris (he was benched for a reason). Though Favre hasn't exactly been a world beater over the last 3 weeks. Should be a close game as both teams are facing difficult defenses. At the end of the day you gotta like Ashton to go next round robin and face Asian Ballz in the Greensville Championship match.

Yeah there are two more games this week...but let's face it. This is just Yahoo giving us a reason to keep tracking our fantasy teams in hopes we see a Toyota Tundra or Old Spice commercial.

In closing...BOOSH!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Easily Pleased

What can I say...its down my alley.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Greensville Awesome Fantasy Football Great Job

2008 was the 5th anniversary of Greensville and by far the oddest. A strong draft really meant nothing once the season got going and no one knows that fact better than The Ghost of the Big Fish himself, Shaun "Shank" Nelson "Nelpin"

He didn't draft Tom Brady, Larry Johnson, Todd Heap or Marques Colston, but nonetheless his season fell apart faster than a Mexican house of cards (ZING!). I asked Shaun to write a guest column about his woes and he obliged.
Oh where do I start? I have had such an awesome year! Lets start around when I drafted Shawn Merriman

“Naw dude, I’m cool …I can play …”

Ok that was totally my fault … he was already hurt and I was dumb for thinking he would do anything while he played with a season ending injury…also did you see that pic cus he def did some roidage!

Lets move on to another of my mistakes , Willis McGahee … this asshole cant decide if he wants to play or not before every f’n game …. and of course when I play him he doesn’t do shit …but then when I leave him out he might play a game and score 20 some odd fantasy points …I think it has a lot to do with his PIE addiction

Moving on to the next pile of shit … Chad Johnson ….sweet sweet ocho cinco …good ole happy-go-lucky 8-5 , seriously what was I thinking here this guy is a jackass. I knew I made a huge mistake when he didn’t even score me 2 pts the first week and didn’t score more than 10 pts until week 4 …but then went back to under 10 for another couple weeks …Luckily here I was able to pawn this guy off on dirty (and then he didn’t score any points or even play for that matter) not that I scored real big with Marvin Harrison …but I was winning after the trade!

"I just scored 4.80 points"

Awesome. So yeah already some big name guys are killing me when I thought I was gonna be golden this year, especially with my favorite first round pick LT ! Ohhhhhh yeah precious LT …yeah here is where I want to punch Norv in the face-

"I really am an idiot..."

Ok, I can accept LT needed some time to warm up his toes …but ‘den…but ‘den …

ANTONYO Gaytes!!!!! Yeaah … this guy has jammed me all year … he started out cold …healed up and got better and then fucked me at the worst possible time… I even kept the faith and wouldn’t trade him to dirty or derek … yeah they probly enjoyed his failure after my rejections…

He should have spent more time trying to get the ball and less time befriending small boys

So yeah I never will learn that drafting too many players on the same team isnt an awesome strategy…. Because I did it like 3 times this year

not only did I grab up LT and Tonyo ..yeah I got me some Carson ” fag-arm” Palmer (thinking he was gonna connect like a mug with Ocho) he was such a bust that I also could have unloaded earlier in the year had I been trade crazy like dirty…

I wish that hot dog was a huge black dick. (real classy Shaun)

Because of Carson’s “fag-arm” I ended up with Gus Fagotte who did ok for a back up and I cant really complain …but I also had Bernard “inconsistent” Berrrian who apparently didn’t learn to catch balls until later in the year …
Ok I am running out of steam here so let me wrap this up with a few more honors.

I definitely got jammed a couple of times by Lee Evans, who finally seemed to be stepping up and the all of a sudden he just stopped showing up...thanks Lee

PS- You can't catch the ball if you are trying to use your face.

I am impressed with my winning after the big losing streak and I did get to beat this guy

 BOOOOOOOSH! (Again thanks to Shaun for making this blog a bit more high brow)

Peace I’m outta here


well put...

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Greensville Weekly: Playoffs Round 1

That's right Mr. Mora...Playoffs. The most wonderful time of the year (if you make it). The time of the one and done. The last man standing eats the burrito. Both dreams and fears will be realized. Set your line-ups and hope for the best.

8 teams enter and 1 team will be declared Mayor of Greensville.

First thanks to the Bros. Nelson who just missed the playoffs by a few games. Hopefully Shaun will write a guest column about the biggest fantasy lames of 2008. Beware Carson Palmer and Antonio Gates...because the Ghost of Koko G seeks revenge.

Let's break down these match ups

(1) Bill's Corn Pads 11-3 vs (8) Favre's Fiasco 5-9
The ball bounced in Favre's direction last week, as he pulled up from his nosedive in time to make the playoffs. Now let's see if he can pull off the upset with a first round win. With Manning and Dallas Clark at Detroit he has the weapons to make it happen. Note to McKenna: Trade Dirty for an RB...he needs a QB.

(2) 4th and Schlong 9-5 vs (7) Omega Nizzle Supreme 6-8
Rematch of week 14, where Omega stole a victory Monday night thanks to DeAngelo Williams. Pay close attention to the Denver v Carolina and Tennessee v Houston games as there is where you'll find the meat of the match up. Will Brandon Marshall or Eddie Royal be the big receiver for Denver. Will Lendale White be able to carve up Houston the way DeAngelo Williams will decimate the porous Denver defense; or will Steve Slaton some how put up the 23 points Yahoo is projecting.

(3) The Cunt Returner 9-5 vs (6) Buck Naked Ballers 7-7
Flip a coin. This should be one of closest games this round with both teams being just about equal this week. The rookie of the year, Cunt Returner, is relying on Flacco as much as Buck Naked will be relying on Le'Ron McClain in a game the Ravens need. However, Pittsburgh's defense is uncanny and if Flacco can keep the turnovers to a minimum he has the edge. Buck Naked has the WR advantage with both Boldin and Fitzgerald at Minnesota in a game where the Cardinals will actually be forced to be pass happy.

(4) Wounded Duck Wobblers 8-6 vs (5) Asian Ballz 7-7
I said it before and I'll say it again...beware a Cambodian in the playoffs. Why do I feel like Steve Breaston is about to make me cry on Sunday? Unless my entire team craps out Monday's game between the Eagles and Browns will be the deciding factor. How will the Eagles attack the Browns? If they decided to stick with the ground game through Westbrook, this Duck is cooked. If McNabb throws TDs to his WRs I might be able to pull this one out.

Predicted Winners:
- Bill will prove why he has been on top Mount Drownugs almost every week and pull off a close victory.

- 4th and Schlong's Stratler and Waldorf combo...errrr... Favre and Warner (get it their old!) serve up a cold dish of revenge making Dirty hate the 2 QB system even more.

- Buck Naked takes this close one via Boldin and Fitzgerald and Joe Flacco's 180 yd 3 INT performance. How's that for a prediction?

- If I thought I would lose in the first round of the playoffs I wouldn't have even written a post half this long. Not sure how the Wobblers are gonna do it, but hey..."You Gotta Believe"

Didn't get that Stratler and Waldorf reference...well here yah go:

Friday, December 5, 2008

Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo

Game recognizes game.

When I played little league basketball, the only time I ever received a technical foul was after I blocked a lay-up and gave the guy an obligatory Mutombo finger wave. I did it as a joke, but the ref didn't see it that way.

Mutombo recently opened a hospital in the Democratic Republic of Congo named after his mother Biamba Marie Mutombo. Though he did have to pay several farmers for the land, he also donated 18 million dollars towards the construction. Along with being a 4 time defensive player of the year in the NBA, Deke can speak 5 African languages, French, English, Spanish and Portuguese...although it all sounds the same when he speaks.

One of my favorite basketball players of all time.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Hip-Hop and Eggs

This is my friend Jay (the Indian fellow) and his friend Juan (some gay dude). They like hip-hop and they like breakfast. I'm just glad they could create something wonderful utilizing both their passions.

hip hop & eggs_episode 2 from hip hop & eggs on Vimeo.

When Detrick and I were making the podcast we wanted to do a video element as well. Then Detrick got kicked out of his house by some gay dude (not Juan) and I moved to Asheville. You can still check out the podcast at

The first episode of Hip-Hop and Eggs is available on the same site. Not as polished but still pretty funny.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Greensville Weekly: Regular Season Finale

Well here we are. 14 weeks of moving, shaking, hoping, praying and damning comes down to this. 6 teams have locked up a playoff spot leaving just 3 teams to nab the final 2. It's like musical chairs, but instead of music there is just the faint hum of the computer and NFL Gamecast.

Week 14: Three Match-Ups that will decide the playoff field.
All 3 teams vying for the last 2 spots are facing teams who've already clinched, so we could very well see all three teams lose. However, I expect some surprises this final week. So once more with feeling!

Shaun Nelson only likes one black person.

Koko G vs. Cunt Returner
After 3 straight wins Koko has done the unthinkable and climbed up the ranks to the number 8 spot. He can stuff those wins up his balloon knot though cause he really needs a win this week as he faces the former number one team The Cunt Returner. This match-up is all about RB's. If LT and Kevin Smith can match or come close to matching Thomas Jones and Chris Johnson then I like Koko's chances. If not...then he will be relying on Favre's Fiasco to come up short...which he has been his trend recently.

Webster releases some steam after his recent losing streak

Favre vs. Buck Naked

Favre can win and still miss the playoffs. So all he can really do (along with winning) is hope for a loss by either Koko or Omega. If I were him I would be on a road trip to Minnesota in order to convince Adrian Peterson that you were sent from the future to warn him of an impending war of man vs. machine and life on earth can only be saved if he puts up 300 yards on the Lions. If that comes through then humanity and his season will be saved. I like Favre chances to win, but to make the playoffs is a different question.

Dirty is ready to shine this week.

Omega vs. 4th and Schlong
Whose the Mastah?!? Dirty may have been the only person in all of fantasy football who started D'Angelo Williams and lost last week. Omega could lose and still make the playoffs, or he could lose and Favre winning and keep him out. The bane of his existence is QBs still and that may be his downfall this week as he has to go against Brett Favre and Kurt Warner. His RBs could pull it out for him this week though so he should cross his fins and rub his lucky blow hole for good fortune.

I voted all three teams to win this week, resulting in Favre being left out of the playoffs. Which is really odd when you look at the names on his team, but unfortunately they are all names that under performed this season (looking at you Mr. Manning and Rothlesburger). So Good luck and may the best two men win for the right to lose to McKenna or Ashton week 15.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Greensville Weekly: Last Minute Edition

"When the soothsayer's orb speaks of bloodshed, just pray that the blood is not yours"

From deep in the forest of Asheville, I've looked into my orb and seen the demise of 4 teams. 4-4 on Greensville upsets, including the victory of the hapless BALLS over Buck Naked Ballers last week. If my orb could just tell me when to not start players who will single handedly destroy my chances I would be in the money.

As the trade deadline came and went, I put Donovan McNabb on the block to help add depth to my once mighty RB roster. After realizing he had left his cohones back in Ashland Dirty didn't bite on the trade and look what happened. 4 TDs from McNabb after a game where he cost me a point that would have led to my victory. Just goes to show...Dirty is a woman.

Week 13 Spotlight:
With 4 playoff spots still open, its hard to figure out who is going to make it out of the 5 teams still in contention. So let's take a gander at those match-ups:

Ghost of KoKo G vs. 4th and .30
This is the week Shaun needs a win most. After winning two straight he is still in 9th place, but with a Favre loss he can survive for another week. Kevin Smith didn't help in on Thanksgiving and Ashton had great production for Kurt Warner and Lendale White Whale. So if KoKo has an ace up his sleeve now is the time to play the card.

Buck Naked vs. The McNabbless Nizzle
Both teams should make the playoffs, but this match-up is more about positioning. Buck got an early lead on Thanksgiving thanks to David Akers and Larry Fitzgerald (my favorite WR), but Dirty has some studs yet to play and this one should be close. I like Dirty to steal the "W", but both teams will clinch playoff spots by Tuesday morning.

BALLS vs. Favre's Fiasco
Fiasco indeed. Yahoo mouthpieces are benching Mike Turner this week, so I doubt the future looks bright for teammate Norwood. If Web wakes up in time to put Bush back in the lineup then he should be able to clinch a playoff spot this week...if not...He has to pull the captain hat over KoKo G's eyes Week 14 for playoff glory.

Upset Special: Asian Ballz over Bill's Corn Pads
Sure McKenna got huge games from Romo and D. Jackson, but let's face it...he is selling crack/cocaine. The fantasy gods don't look fondly on pedaling poison to school children, so I expect Dave to muster all his talent and take out the first place team this week.

As for me, the last time I face the Cunt Returner, I let loose the fury of 1000 Wobblers to the tune of 265 pts. Lets see if I can can piss Ephrim off again.

Unite the Wobblers

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Truth is that you've always had "The Juice"

The holy grail for all comedy is to be relevant. Comedians and humorist are not exempt from creating insights and touching their audience on deeper and deeper levels.

George Carlin or Bill Hicks weren't the funniest people to ever take a stage, but they made the best of the time they were given on the soapbox. The old equation of Comedy = Tragedy + Time, means that you have to realize the power of shifting an audience's moods and focus. Both Carlin and Hicks were masters of taking complicated matters like war, politics and religion and breaking them down to a level that makes you think "Of course, why hadn't I noticed that". Their genius is based in the fact that they made you laugh at a collective ignorance or something you might be aware of, but had never been able to pin in down in your head.

My friend Dave and I (both graduates of an advertising program) recently decided to create and try to pitch an idea for a television show based on an advertising agency. Neither of us has the money or resources to really get this idea off the ground, but I've come to the realization that money is a poor excuse not to give something a go. After all we both have stable families and degrees to fall back on if we don't succeed. My wish is to not make a show based solely on a cast of dynamic characters coming together to make funny ads, but rather highlight advertising's effects on society using humor.

Advertising is an attempt to sway your choices one way or the other. The science of persuasion meets the art of production. While watching Zeitgeist today (at work) finishes with a fantastic Bill Hicks bit/spoken word piece. It deals with the idea that all your life boils down to is choice. You have to be very careful when someone or something tries to influence you...especially when there is money to be made or fear can be created. At the end of the day you are left with consequences of the choices you make...and those choices are the biggest factor on how you will experience this ride.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Greensville Weekly: Early Playoff Edition

Probably the most awkward photoshop job I've ever done.

Last week's upset special did not disappoint. Shaun, Dirty and Web all won their games Which is bitter sweet being I had to play Dirty, who benefited from 3 of my players contributing less than a point. That takes effort.

With teams 7,8,9 winning no one else clinched a playoff spot leaving 4 vacancies. 3 weeks to sort it out, so we'll see what goes down.

Shyte to Watch This Week

Wobblers vs. 4th and Schlong:
The rivalry continues. Without Earnest Graham or Steven Jackson I have to start Warrick Dunn. Who along with Antonio Bryant should piss off Ashton (Buccaneers fan) all day long as his favorite reality team wins, but his fantasy team loses. 2nd round Playoff preview perhaps.

The Ghost of Koko G vs. Omega Nizzle:
Shaun vs. Dirty for a potential playoff spot. This is on the real for real. Dirty needs a win to survive and Shaun needs the win to stay in the hunt. Weeks ago Dirty traded top receivers Jennings and M. Harrison for the outspoken duo of Joey Eugene Porter and Chad Johnson. After acquiring Chad Johnson, Dirty forgot to check to see if he is actually going to play...which he didn't. So Shaun goes from an 11 point underdog to a player up. I look for the smooth grooves of Harrison and Jennings to haunt Dirty into a tighter spot this week.

Upset Special: Balls over Buck Naked. Talk about your long shots. Balls has just one win on the year, which is probably his last year in Greensville. However, he did finally take Schaub out of his line-up and the easy wins are now officially over. I don't think Buck's WRs Fitzgerald and Boldin are going to continue their massacre of opposing secondaries this week against the Giants and unless Jason Campbell takes advantage of one of the worst pass defenses in the league, this could make the playoff picture even more muddled than it is currently.

Goodnight Mr. Graham, thanks for a very productive season. See you next year's draft.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

He Done Come Up (The Life and Times of Donnell Wright)

I first met Dirty (Donnell aka Dorful aka Dornilious Fog aka MC Forehead) back when I was about 10 years old playing flag football for the Ashland Vikings. Since my weight was well ahead of my height during this stage of my development I was assigned a role on the offensive line. We in the business call it the in the public call it the a bunch of fat guys trying to stop another bunch of fat guys. I don't recall what position Dirty played, though I do remember him having a well manicured beard back then. We won most of our games and went to the playoffs, but I don't recall if we won the championship. By the end of the season came around I was too busy talking to NFL scouts and posing for the "Husky" section in the JC Penny catalog. I do remember receiving a trophy, which later melted after sitting outside too long. Leaving the figure to appear as if it were stricken with a wicked case of the rickets and spine bifida.

But anyway back to Dirty.

I remember my cousins Chico and Reece not liking Donnell and some other black guy in middle school. One day while walking through the hall I passed Donnell and said other black guy. Dirty declared: "There go their cousin right there."

To which I replied "...".

You see, it was a middle school attended by 4oo kids...about 315 of those kids were related to me. All the fame that goes along with being on a successful flag football team had long since faded and I was used to not being referred to by name at this point.

I don't remember interacting with Dirty again until I was about to graduate high school. As part of a secret plan to win the trust of the white man, Dirty and I met again through some mutual "friends". Dirty was even in the band "The Bodegas" until his endless womanizing and drug abuse caused the band to split. He then became a regular face at the white shed...and even in fantasy leagues.

And now he is an internet sensation. You can put his name in the same conversation as Tay Zonday and Eli Porter. All do to one picture being posted on Although one would think dropping Ian Kinsler from your fantasy baseball team would garner more attention.

Excellent form. Eyes closed, elbows in and boobs standing strong.

That picture was taken at Patrick's bachelor party. So was this.

McKenna got that gator so wasted.

Eat up the fame Dirty. Eat it like a warm bowl of oatmeal on a frigid winter morn. Take it from a Has Been flag football player like goes away all too quickly.

Consider this post a toast to Dirty. Friend, Mammal, Fellow Niner Faithful and Blow-up Doll Captain. When the revolution comes may the white man tremble before you! (Those of the white race please disregard that last line.)

Friday, November 14, 2008

Greensville Weekly: The Upset Special!


Whoooooooaaa Doctah! It has happened, the first playoff spots have been claimed.

The Cunt Returner: 8-2
1st place, yet 5th in points.  Suspect, but as long has his team stays hot he should finish out on top.

4th & Schlong:  7-3
I hate Kurt Warner.

Wounded Duck Wobblers:  7-3
Though I still regret not taking Wes Welker from the Cunt Returner, I'm more concerned by the fact that I just had to pick up the hated Juilus Jones being E. Graham and S Jax are breakinGdown just in time for the playoffs.  I hate it when Dave is right.

Bill's Corn Pads:  7-3
With bye weeks out of the way, ole Wild Bill should run up the score faster than Carlton on PCP.

Week 11:  The Week of the Upset

Favre over The Cunt Returner: 
At the end of the day I like Favre's matchups much better than The Returner's.  QBS Manning and Ryan should prove to be deadly against the 1st place Cunts.

Omega Nizzle over Yours Truly:  
If my QB's don't show up Dirty can easily take me out this week.  Santana Moss and Brandon Marshall should be 20 points a piece easy.

Big Fish over Buck Naked:
If for some reason Seattle can stop the Arizona's pass attack (big if) then the playing field is in favor of the Mekong Delta Catfish.  You gotta believe.  

With the ranks 5-10 all being within a game of each other, there should still be some suprises to come down.  4 spots left should be an interesting home stretch.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Greensville Weekly: Week 8

I got knocked out this week. But at least it took till week 8 to finally lose twice in one week. Overall record now 12-6.

The Cunt Returner busted me down a peg to the #3 position by defeating the juggernaut of the league. Another big win came from Favre's Freakshow who stays locked in the playoffs with a win over Big Fish. Some minor rank switches, but other than that, a low scoring ho-hum week in Greensville.

We have 5 more weeks before the playoffs start, let's take a gander at the 7-8-9 spots which are all on shaky ground. I would discuss the number 10 spot but it looks like you can stick a fork in P for the season unless something crazy goes down.

7. Omega Nizzle Supreme: 3-6
Made a good trade when he got Greg Jennings for Matt Forte, but neither player has been themselves since the trade. Omega's only match-up against a lower rank team comes in week 12 when he plays Big Fish, which should be a game to watch if Big Fish can stay a game back. I know he is trying to move one of his backs for help at QB, TE or D which is wise move. However if he is offering others the junk he's been sending my way (See Leon Bennet and Henry Lewis for Drew Brees proposal), I don't see the move being made. The key word here is "survival". Can Dirty survive 5 more weeks and get into the playoffs? I think so, but he does play me before then so I'm not really going to be upset if he drops a game or two.

8. Favre's Fiasco: 3-6
Put up less that 180 and still got the win last week. I don't envy the rest of his schedule though as he has to play the top 2 teams in the last 5 weeks. His team reminds me of the Indianapolis Colts this season. All the name power is there, but the production isn't. Most of his fate relies on the teams that surround him. If he can win 3 out of 5 he should be set. Also look out Week 14 when he plays Big Fish. We can call it the Loser Bowl, being who ever wins that week could very likely be losing to Bill's Corn Pads or the Cunt Returner the week after.

9. Big Fish: 2-7
Shaun doesn't really control his destiny at this point, but this is fantasy football so no one does. Starting McGahee last week hurt and LT and Antonio Gates on a bye didn't help either. With that being said I like what he is working with. With the exception of Gus Ferret, he lacks any significant holes. Out of the three he has the most favorable schedule left, but he is going to have to take 4 out of 5 unless Omega or Favre collapse completely. It's gonna take some luck , but its not impossible.

Finally this is the week we get to see if Ashton can escape from the curse of Webster. Nothing like having a fantasy nemesis. I like hating Shaun in real life, so I just transfer that over the world of nerd sports.

Under My Skin

I'm offended alright. As a man with 27 years of Negro experience I'm offended by being told I should feel offended by Fox News. Nader's point is clear...Is Obama going to sell-out in favor of corporations and the military industrial complex (like the hated Bush) or is he going to actually champion those who find so much faith in him. After all there was a lot of big money invested in Obama (Lehman Bros. Goldman Sacks and Citigroup to name a few). Time will show his true colors, but history is not in homeboy's favor (I didn't hear the people calling for that bail out know who was?). You know what every black person is going to call Obama if they don't see their quality of life improving? An Uncle Tom. What else should I call the first African American president if he choses policies that further the burden his people, while I watch him work happily with many of the corporations and institutions responsible for said burden.

"He didn't have to face it (Obama's authenticity) until it came out of your mouth". - Fox's fake outrage distributor

Really? Well then thank God it came out of someone's mouth. As a nation of people who don't test their leader's mettle until it's too late; what better time to start holding our leaders to the fire than now? Obama's got the "juice" what is he going to do with said beverage?

Leave it to mainstream media to focus on the shock phrase "Uncle Tom". He didn't even call Obama an Uncle Tom. Nader simply made the line distinct and unforgiving. Identifying two clear paths for the president elect. Ralph is going to take heat for the comment, because people will think: "Where does a white guy get off questioning a black man's authenticity"? Not aware of his Lebanese heritage. Nader's life has been dedicated to protecting the same people who put Obama in office. He has every right to ask the question, and if he hadn't said the words "Uncle Tom" the issue continues to be buried under the celebration of the nation's first minority president. Don't allow your happiness to blind you to the fact that Obama is at the end of the day a politician. His job is to represent and serve the people. If that were happening there wouldn't be such clamor for a messiah like president promoting change.

Note: Nothing like some info broad from a suspect "news outlet" declaring your career over. Though I'm glad there was enough psuedo anger to go around.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Greensville Weekly: Week 7

So what did we learn from week 8?

We learned that to beat Bill's Corn Pads you gotta put up 200 points or hope Mckenna passes out after a wake and bake and forgets to set his players.

We learned that there is still plenty of fight left in the Big Fish. Even after taking my horrible advice to start Ryan Fitzpatrick over Joe Flacco, he was able to pull off the victory. Who knew Flacco would also catch a TD, but I can't figure out the Ravens this season so more power to the purple bird thunder beaks. Also doesn't hurt when 3 of your opponents best players get stymied, producing under 10 points.

We learned that in this here Greensville, you better make sure your D is straight. Buck Naked lost to The Cunt Returner by one and half point. Buck Naked also neglected to start a full roster on his defense. 2 tackles would have gotten him the win.

We learned that Omega Nizzle is a gentleman. I can appreciate one shorting his roster being your opponent is down a player, but there is no room in Greensville for fantasy chivalry. You must crush your enemies. See them driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women.

Week 9 Match Ups to Watch:

Cunt Returner vs. Bill's Resin Balls: The first thing you notice is Bill has to start two QB's who aren't Romo and Delhomme. He will be going with the serviceable Cassel and the last man standing in KC, Tyler Thigpen. Both men have horrible match ups against pretty stout defenses. This is the week where the king of the hill might succumb to the wrath of the fantasy gods...but can the Cunt Returner generate enough points without Phillip Rivers to overcome? We shall see.

Omega Dolphin Supreme vs. Favre's Fiasco: Webster needs this one bad, but its not like Omega can afford too many losses at this point. My prediction is that Webster pulls this one out to stay in the playoff hunt. Dirty has a ton of talent on both fronts, but his offense has some unsavory match ups this week. Gerald Jennings at Tennessee, Mantana Soss (hamstring injury) against Pittsburgh and Marion Barber at the South Jersey Tyrees. Great roster on WR and RB, but those shaky QBs are gonna have to show up big time to grab that "W" for Nizzle.

eek eek baby. Not aerodynamic in the least bit, but he gets his tuna.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Dimmu Borgir

So Dimmu Borgir (Iceland Death Metal) played at the Orange Peel tonight and they came by Barley's (one of my jobs) to grab a bite to eat before they shoved a dead cat up a dead goat's butt on stage.

I've never tried so hard to not mess up an order in my life...I mean look at these guys.

Everyone in the kitchen enjoys the metal and I was thinking about throwing one of their albums on since I actually like two songs, but Black Sabbath was already playing so no dice. But yeah I made their food...I feel a lot more metal now.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Drinking Pizza Movie Reviews: The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Got a text from Gary while at work that read: "Rocky Horror at ABC tonite". My first thought was..."Meh"...then I remembered that the rest of my week will be spent working both jobs, thereby nullifying any social life. Unless you count the people who insist on talking to me in the bathroom at Barley's. Then when I was about to go get my ticket for the show my friend Matt dropped this on me: "You are gonna hate me. It's just corny." Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but being the movie is just $3, I've never seen it and I was in desperate need to satisfy my pizza fix, I decided to take my chances.

I should preface this review by stating: I hate musicals. Outside of The Nightmare Before Christmas, I can't stand movies where the cast breaks out into song and dance. In some ways the traditions of the Taliban make good sense. Now on to the movie. If you take away the crowd interaction, which there was plenty of, I really don't see the appeal of this movie. There are funny parts and the costumes are pretty interesting. The acting was good, though I don't think I'll be able to look at Tim Curry the same again. I don't care how many beards you grow Tim, you are now cemented in my memory as the world's weirdest girlman and ladyboy. I was a bit surprised when half the audience got up to dance. I was kinda annoyed by the people constantly yelling unfunny comments at the screen...often the same thing over and over again. I was about to go into fight mode when people threw rice, toilet paper and toast around the audience, as I could use all of those in my home at the moment. The movie itself was pretty much a yawn fest that relied on the experience of being in the audience inhabited by people who think otherwise. This was my first and most likely last time watching this film. When it comes to a situation where the audience gets to talk back to the bad movie...leave it to the professionals.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Blog Pot Luck

This weekend was chuck full of blog fodder. So much that I really can't decide on one topic. So with the blessing of Brevarious the god of brevity here are some stories, a couple of movie reviews and a sports take. Its like going to Golden Corral but you don't have to leave your house or deal with old people complaining about how the mashed potatoes are too difficult to chew.

Story Time: Gary and I went down to Brevard to visit Park on Friday who was house sitting for a yoga instructor/personal trainer. Gary brought his dog so we had 4 dogs in the house. Park tried as best as he could not to let the dogs get rowdy, but I wasn't trying to hear that...and boy they got rowdy alright. I think the body count is officially one chewed up blanket, two dog doo land mines indoors ( there were countless bombs on the deck outside that I somehow managed not to step in) and one destroyed pillow. Park and Gary argued over which dog to blame...not being the owner of the house or a dog, I chalked this up to a case of dogs will be dogs and continued to eat free food and enjoy the hot tub.

The real chestnut in this adventure was the next morning when we went to go eat breakfast. I'm a seasoned veteran of Ashville's stare at the black guy game, but boy did I get it hard in the sticks of Brevard. To make matters worse, while trying to traverse through spaces in between the tables of the restaurant I accidentally spilled some extremely hot coffee on an elderly white lady. Which immediately resulted in me making this face:

Most if not all of the lava landed on her jacket without her saying a word, but I apologized (without looking at her as to not let her get a decent description of my face to give to police) though I doubt she heard me. Until they left I avoided eye contact and shared awkward laughter with Gary and Park. When they left awkward laughter became loud witty remark time. I think the worst thing that could of happened is that I cost Obama a vote...which really isn't that bad.

Saturday Keller Williams played a free outside concert in downtown yeah...that happened. I would say the dude is overrated, but I only hear people talk about him in passing. Didn't really feel his gig, but I was also helping Matt make fun of people...which was way more entertaining.

Netflix Reviews:
Got to see two very good movies this weekend. It's hard to talk about each film without giving too much away so here is a quick rundown.

13 Tzameti: If you can survive the first 30 minutes of slow paced setup you'll be rewarded with and hour of intense thought provoking cinema. This is a French movie so I hope you can speak French or read...if not you've already wasted enough time pretending to read my here to redirect to a site that will actually make you look smarter than you are. The movie centers around a 22 year old man and his quest to support his family through odd jobs. Suspecting a big pay day he takes an invitation sent to his recently deceased employer and is quickly hurled into a very dark scenario. Think Saw, but without the bad acting, plot, ideas.
If you are in the mood for a good foreign film pick this one up. Netflix Gold for sure.

Inside Man: A 2006 Spike Lee joint with a hefty cast including Denzel Washington, Clive Owen, Willem "Skeletor" Defoe and Jodie "I feel like I should be attracted to her, but it just ain't happening" Foster. A crime drama involving a highly organized and well thought out bank robbery. All actors show up and give great performances and the movie is written just as well. If you missed this 2006 surprise then I would definitely rent this one. If you aren't a Spike Lee fan, I urge you to check it out. Shows how versatile this guy can be when he isn't on a soapbox. Netflix Silver

Sunday Seance:
Went for a run Sunday morning and came back in time to catch most of the NFL games. I'm glad I had the day off from work, being there were so many great games with awesome finishes. While my football viewing ended on a sour note by watching the 49ers rip my heart out again, I gotta say I love me some Mike Singletary. Dude is straight old school fire. His first game coaching the niners he benched JT O'Sullivan( after he couldn't find the off switch to the turnover machine) and then sent Vernon Davis' prima donna ass to the locker room early for making a fool of himself on the field. Mike Singletary was the first football player who I understood was clearly better than most who played his position. My grandfather was a Chicago Bears fan and I owned Tecmo Bowl and thus began my infatuation with Singletary. Here is a quick excerpt from Singletary's post game presser.

"It's something I told players at the beginning of the week. I will not tolerate players who think it is about them and not the team. We can't make decisions that cost the team, and then come off the sidelines and it's nonchalant. I'd rather play with 10 people and just get penalized all the way until we have to do something else. Rather than play with 11, when I know that right now, that person is not sold out to be part of the team. It's more about them, than it is the team. You can not play with them. You can not win with them. You can not coach with them, can't do it. I want winners. I want people who want to win."

When this man says listen or prepare to eat your molars.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Greensville Weekly (formerly Fantasy Island)

-And BOOM goes the dynamite!-

So I decided to end the Fantasy Island idea. Just didn't really keep my attention the way I thought it might. So instead I'll move my fantasy interest into a "weekly whats up post" about the Greensville fantasy league.

As I predicted Shaun "Big Fish" Nelson's attempt to run the table in reverse (lose all his games) fell short this week, as he lacked the talent and perseverance to go all the way and lose again this week. Had Gus Frerotte shown some focus and managed to throw 8 interceptions instead of 4 Shaun would still be on the road to Greensville fame. Now he is just some chump at the bottom of the list.

In the battle of the kissing cousins 4th & Schlong snatched a victory from The Cunt Returner in a close game decided on Monday night. Sammy Morris turned out to be Ashton's saving grace this week after the Farve and Cotchery connection yielded about 9 points. Always scary when a single defensive player puts up more points than a QB and WR combined.

Dave "Asian Ballz" kept his streak alive by defeating the Buck Naked Ballers in a blowout. Though one wonders what will become of the Orientals when young master Mewelde Moore is back on the bench.

The trade of Greg Jennings for Matt Forte didn't do much for Omega Nizzle this week. Big Bill from Awesomeville hung 215 points on Dirty this week. Romo...Brady?...who needs em when you have Matt Cassel throwing 3 TDs. Also who really needs to start a full roster? Not Dirty obviously.

Oh yeah, please do holler at your boy who went to 4 straight wins on the back of Steven Jackson's 3 TD performance. Which I needed being Brees and Colston hooked up for just around 0 connections. That combo is taking much too long to develop for my patience.

Key Matchups Week 8:
4th and Balls vs. Bill's Corn Pads: The former and the current number one going head to head this week. I think 4th has this one. After all I need Bill knocked down a peg to put me at number 1.

Omega vs. Balls and Big Fish vs. Favre's Freakshow: The bottom 4 teams are trying to get into or stay in position to make the 8 team playoffs . Just so happens they are all playing each other this week. So let's see who can manage to suck the least. One more loss and Balls is pretty much out of the playoffs. Omega needs a win to stay alive as well and has a squad able to put down P for the season. I'm hoping Shaun comes storming back into the playoff picture, but that most likely won't happen if he picks up the "L" this week.

So some pretty important nerdery going down this weekend. Did I mention the winner gets a Zong autographed by Kris Burton?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Drinking Pizza Movie Reviews: Pineapple Express.

Asheville Brewing Company is the local second run movie theater, which also serves pizza and beer. Great friends, great food and cheap movies. Does life get any better?

I remember talking to Shaun on AIM and linking him to the trailer for Pineapple Express. The first thing I though was "Wow, Seth Rogan is making a pothead buddy flick (why didn't the word "pothead" come up as a spelling error?)" My next thought was "Wow, this song is crazy dope" (Paper Planes by M.I.A).

I didn't catch the movie when it came out originally, but now that it's at the local second run theater, Asheville Brewing Company, I thought this would be a great time to see if this movie would be as entertaining as I thought it would be. The short answer is a solid no. Much like trying to conquer one of those softball sized jawbreakers, this movie started off sweet and inviting, but ended with the thought "This was a better idea two hours ago".

Quick Synopsis. Dale Denton (Seth Rogan) is a 25 year old marijuana addicted process server, dating an 18 year old high school student. His current dealer is Saul, an unkempt slacker with a passion for 2-2-7...wait for it.....


After receiving the sneak preview of the titular strand of ganja called "Pineapple Express", Dale witnesses the murder of a chinaman, who I assume did not take the knees of anyone in Vietnam, and is seen fleeing the scene of the crime by the killer and his accomplice Rosie "Angry Dancer" Perez. During his getaway Dale leaves a roach of the rare strand behind, allowing the killer/drug lord to figure out who the witness may be. After alerting Saul, they decide to get out of dodge before they drug lord puts the pieces together.

The Positive: The movie starts off well enough and you get settled in to a rather exciting crime comedy. The characters are all original and offer a lot of laughs. The friendship that evolves between Dale and Saul is well done, as they try to bridge the gap between dealer and user. Anyone who knows the dynamics of this particular symbiotic system will find more laughs than others. Though I couldn't imagine going on a road trip with my Robotussin dealer.

The Negative: Overall, the movie is just too ridiculous for it's own good. From what I can tell, a great deal of the dialogue is improved, but fails to shine through the poorly delivered plot. As with most comedies these days, the humor seems front loaded and 3/4ths the way through you start checking your watch waiting for the credits to roll. The violence is very Itchy and Scratchyesque, providing laughs at first then like the rest of the movie, wears out it's welcome by the end. Also, why in the world would a movie about and for potheads run almost 2 hours (Why did the word "potheads" just alert my spell must be okay). You could actually feel the collective high wear off amongst those "partaking" in the audience. Must have been hell in the kitchen. I've never seen so many gummi bear pizzas eaten in one night.

Overall: Meh. ABC movies are only 3 bucks, which is about 1 and 1/2 slices of pizza. I'm still debating whether or not I should have ordered a slice and watched college football at the bar for my friends instead. If you like Seth Rogan, pick it up as a rental when it comes out. I wouldn't buy a the DVD though...just save the $20, get high and watch Cops instead...or episodes of Sanford & big dummy.

Quick List: My current Top 5 Marijuana based movies.
1. Half Baked: I'm not sure if it can be topped.
2. Friday: If you can't quote this movie...we aren't friendds.
3. Harold and Kumarr Go to White Castle: Such a surprise. Too bad the sequel was the dud bud.
4. Cheech and Chong Nice Dreams: This movie brought tears to my eyes even before I knew what ganja was...haven't seen it since though...which just ain't right.
5. Weirdsville: Know one knows about this film, but its just a great low budget film. Netflix Gold!

Wonder why I call her Rosie "Angry Dancer" Perez...view on oh curious reader and remember to fight the power!:

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Fantasy Island Week 6

This video pretty much summarizes my fantasy performance over the last 3 weeks. I'm the guy in the white pants...not the guy getting his jaw disintegrated.

The fantasy gods must have fell asleep this week and ignored my lapse of arrogance in last week's post. The streak reaches 7 consecutive victories in my alternative/preferred reality. This is about the time I should point out the negative correlation between my success in fantasy sports and real life.

Exhibit A: When I decided to move to Asheville, I went from 1st to fourth in fantasy baseball.

Exhibit B: 2007 was the year of fantasy Derek as I won baseball and both football leagues. Conversely, it was also the year of failure Derek as I unsuccessfully looked for work in advertising. At least I got to put three gold trophies in my Yahoo fantasy closet (pause for uncomfortable laughter turning into crying).

Exhibit C: This current streak of fantasy ass kickery fails to lift my spirits as I feel the burden of yet another dead end job crushing my dreams. Though I am enjoying my internship with Sensible City, which probably explains why I haven't been able to start Marques Colston this year.

If this must be the trend, then I'll face my destiny on both fronts. Either swim to fantasy glory while drowning 5 days of the week in the real world; or watch these monkeys bring down the gorilla and hope to catch a break.

Fantasy Savior: Drew Brees....COME ON DOWN!!!! Good lord boy you done out did yo self dis week. 320 yards and 3 being for two thats just showing off. Play on playah and you get Colston back this week. Though your success is ruining my real life, I can hack it.

Fantasy Cuts: Line em up. Benjamin Watson: 0 points, Lawyer Milloy: 1.6 points, Mike Vrabel: 1.6 pts. I appreciate what you all are trying to do for me and my future, but I simply can tolerate no more. Especially you Vrabel, you were supposed to be defensive point machine, but I guess its time to send you to the scrap heap.

One thing about fantasy football; you can avoid the injury bug no man is immune to bye weeks. So I'll be without Donovan McNabb, Roddy White and Larry Fitzgerald this week. Will I get to nine wins in a row? If so you can probably find me celebrating in the kitchen of Barley's. Man seriously...fuck that place.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Fantasy Island: Week 5

Around the way they call me "Giant Killer".

In the last two weeks I played the two remaining undefeated teams in Greensville (The Cunt Returner and Bill's Corn Pads). Let's just say no one will be running the table this year. Though Bill put up a good fight with 9 touchdowns overall, my corns went unrelieved as defense proved to be my saving grace. Speaking of which... someone phone Mike Vrabel (my second pick on defense) and tell him to at least tackle an already downed opponent and maybe I can get credit for a 1/2 tackle. Don't want to drop him because he has been known to score TDs, but I don't think I can hold on much longer.

I also won in Sam's league, bringing my winning streak to 4 games and an overall record of 7-3 with the points lead in each league. I'd say I'm off to a good start and despite my lack of a QB in Sam's league I like my squads.

Instead of running down my week, I'll do something a bit different. Since we are five games in I think this is as good a time as any to review Greensville. I would do the same for Sam's league, but with 90 teams I'd have to actually buy more bandwidth.

In Current ranking order.

1. 4th & Schlong: 4-1
Still the best name in the league. You would think a team which drafted Tom Brady would be struggling, but stranger things have happend in Greensville. If Ashton can avoid the injury bug to his retirement home he calls a QB duo (Kurt Warner and Brett Farve...Warren Moon wasn't available I guess) he definitely has the scariest team in the "Ville".

2. Bill's Corn Pads: 4-1
McKenna has come a long way. From the days of drafting Kyle Boller first round, then followed by a kicker in the third he has one of the most dangerous teams in the league. If he can pick up some more talent on defense and Steve Smith comes back to life he'll be around for the playoffs.

3. The Cunt Returner: 4-1
The Rookie of the default. As a fellow victim of the now dreaded Derek Anderson pick I really don't understand how his team is doing this well (he also has the under performing Kellen Winslow). Outside of Phillip Rivers and Terrell Owens I don't see the power, but obviously he is doing something right. If the Browns turn it around though...look out.

4. Wounded Duck Wobblers: 3-2
I need to make trades...but smart trades. If I can move Earnest Graham for a solid Tight End or WR then I should be able to stay in the hunt. Though when Marques "Coldstone" Colston comes back it's gonna be lights out.

5. Buck Naked Ballers: 3-2
Last year Torrey was my nightmare, owning both Brady and Randy Moss. This year he practiced affirmative action and went with an all black QB duo (Garrard and Campbell). Has all the tools to beat anyone in Greensville (WRs: Fitzgerald, Boldin and Braylon Edwards), but those quarterbacks aren't scaring anyone.

6. Asian Ballz: 2-3
When you look at Dave's team you immediately get the feeling that this guy missed the draft. He sure did, but he is doing rather well with what Yahoo's fate machine dealt him. If he can con me into trading him Graham or Dirty into trading an RB for a QB, I like his chances to be a player down the stretch.

7. Omega Nizzle Supreme: 2-3
"I'm gonna win this league" stated Dirty in the smack talk section a couple of weeks ago. Well not with those QBs you aren't. Sure its a down year for Hasselbeck who should be better when Seattle gets healthy, but you can't play the captain going down with the ship on the S.S. Marc Bulger. Time to get your black ass in the dingy. Though his incredible depth at RB could make for a good trade down the line, just wouldn't wait too long to pull the trigger on any lingering offers.

8. Favre's Freak Show: 2-3
Could and should be a top 5 team. When Peyton remembers his last name is Manning and the Steelers find some stability in their offense I expect to see Web's team climb the ranks. Though he's gotta consider shuffling the defense up...there are about 10 guys on waivers that are better than his starters.

9. Balls: 1-4
It's never good when you have to use FaceBook to tell someone to get their roster straight. Outside of his RB duo, the entire team just screams mediocrity. Could make the playoffs though if Shaub and Aaron Rodgers get healthy and turn their teams around.

10. Rickey's Gunney Sack: 0-5
Shaun has been a victim of a crazy year in the NFL. All the names are there...even snagged LT as his first pick. Who knew the Bengals would be as bad as they are (owns both Carson Palmer and Ocho Cinco). Who knew that Willis McGahee would be splitting carries and giving up TDS all year. Who knew that Antonio Gates would go from sugar to shit over the off season. Just goes to show...all you can do is draft properly and let the players play. Good draft, but it seems that the fantasy gods have turned their back on the 1/2 of team WhiteShed.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Gotta Keep the Devil Down in the Hole.

The devil and his friend were walking down a path. They spotted a man stooped over looking at an object on the ground. The man picks up the object and places it in his pocket.

The devil's friend ask: "What did he just pick up?"

The Devil replied: "It was a piece of the truth"

His friend replies: "Well, thats bad business for you"

"Not at all" the Devil replies, "I'm going to help him organize it".

-not mine, but an interesting story that says a lot about relying on other's to present you with the truth. Gotta dig for yourself these days and keep the devil down in the hole.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Fantasy Island Week 4

When it rains it pours...

200 points is the magic number in the league of Greensville. Meaning if you can get to 2 hunnit, you are most likely going to win. After failing to crack the 180 mark the first 3 weeks the Wobblers came up aces with the highest score set in the league thus far. 260.80? I'm only used to seeing that number on the scale (back in my lardier days) or on my paycheck. That freakish score raised me from 8th to 5th place and 3rd in overall points.

In the other league it took a game winning field goal in overtime from Jeff Reed to get me the win, keeping me in 3rd place.

Fantasy Savior: I hate to snub Drew Brees yet again, but Laveranues Coles caught three touchdown passes without defeating my beloved Niners. However, the game is the game and I'm used to fantasy and reality allegiances colliding. Speaking of which; I wanted to put a hex on Brett Favre for almost costing me the win in Sam's league. 6 touchdown passes by an opposing player would normally call for me to break out the piano wire and get on the next train to New York to see what the core of Brett's Adam's apple looks like. Being that 3 of those TDs went to Coles, I'll keep the "Life Line" and Favre can keep his jugular another week...maybe.

Fantasy Shitbird:
Heath Miller didn't need to do much to help me win Monday night, but his 2 receptions for 8 yards effort would have spelled doom if not for Jeff Reed's leg. I've had the worst luck with tight ends this year, but if I can't rely on "Big Money" Miller, who else is out there.

Now I must get ready to take on the undefeated Bill's Corn Pads. McKenna's team named after his father's feet will pose a significant problem, but I've already taken down one giant this year. Speaking of which someone put out an A.P.B on Gheorge Mureshan.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

2008 Fantasy Baseball Yearbook

Well, Fart Huffers LLC had a good year but won't be repeating as champion and unless that time machine I ordered on the internet turns out to be worth the $19.99 we won't be finishing any better than 4th in baseball. Not a bad year though, we held down first place a couple times, but a slow economy, Fantasy Adam and lack of power numbers caught up with us in the second half.

To cap off this season I decided to put some good use to my time spent watching games on Stat Tracker and Yahoo Gamecast. There are a lot of funny looking people in the MLB , all of whom are far more successful in life and with ladies than I, but here is my cowardly rebuttal in the form of photos and captions.

Ramon Vazquez: Sporting a mustache only at 8 year-old girl could love.

Dioner Navarro: I'm convinced he simply moved the connector of his uni-brow to his chin. Nice save.

Houston Street: Calm down fella.

Jorge Posada: The Yahoo photographer must have fell for Jorge's infamous "pull my finger" gag before he snapped this one.

Masa Kobayashi: Masa got his team photo done at Glamor Shots and got a background of his choosing. Chain link fence...not bad, but I would have gone for the majestic waterfall.

Gabe Kapler: Voted "Whitest man in the MLB."

Jeff Baker: Skeletor called, he wants his heroin addiction back.

Adam Jones: Adam...ADAM!...Wake up or your mom isn't gonna buy the wallet size prints.

Miguel Cairo: Quick quiz: Derek is about to make a reference to which popular figure: A) Popeye. B) Mills Lane. C) Mick the trainer, from the movie Rocky or D) All of the above. See below for the answer.

Chad Bradford: You know this guy has started and ended his share of bar fights. "Fuggin A I touched your wife's ass! Keep those gums flapping and I'll be kicking yours!"

That about does it. Thanks to Shank Nelpin for helping me keep an eye out. See yah next season. Go Dodgers...unless the Brewers make the playoffs then thats my October team.

Oh yeah the answer is E) Billy Barty