Sunday, November 30, 2008

Greensville Weekly: Last Minute Edition

"When the soothsayer's orb speaks of bloodshed, just pray that the blood is not yours"

From deep in the forest of Asheville, I've looked into my orb and seen the demise of 4 teams. 4-4 on Greensville upsets, including the victory of the hapless BALLS over Buck Naked Ballers last week. If my orb could just tell me when to not start players who will single handedly destroy my chances I would be in the money.

As the trade deadline came and went, I put Donovan McNabb on the block to help add depth to my once mighty RB roster. After realizing he had left his cohones back in Ashland Dirty didn't bite on the trade and look what happened. 4 TDs from McNabb after a game where he cost me a point that would have led to my victory. Just goes to show...Dirty is a woman.

Week 13 Spotlight:
With 4 playoff spots still open, its hard to figure out who is going to make it out of the 5 teams still in contention. So let's take a gander at those match-ups:

Ghost of KoKo G vs. 4th and .30
This is the week Shaun needs a win most. After winning two straight he is still in 9th place, but with a Favre loss he can survive for another week. Kevin Smith didn't help in on Thanksgiving and Ashton had great production for Kurt Warner and Lendale White Whale. So if KoKo has an ace up his sleeve now is the time to play the card.

Buck Naked vs. The McNabbless Nizzle
Both teams should make the playoffs, but this match-up is more about positioning. Buck got an early lead on Thanksgiving thanks to David Akers and Larry Fitzgerald (my favorite WR), but Dirty has some studs yet to play and this one should be close. I like Dirty to steal the "W", but both teams will clinch playoff spots by Tuesday morning.

BALLS vs. Favre's Fiasco
Fiasco indeed. Yahoo mouthpieces are benching Mike Turner this week, so I doubt the future looks bright for teammate Norwood. If Web wakes up in time to put Bush back in the lineup then he should be able to clinch a playoff spot this week...if not...He has to pull the captain hat over KoKo G's eyes Week 14 for playoff glory.

Upset Special: Asian Ballz over Bill's Corn Pads
Sure McKenna got huge games from Romo and D. Jackson, but let's face it...he is selling crack/cocaine. The fantasy gods don't look fondly on pedaling poison to school children, so I expect Dave to muster all his talent and take out the first place team this week.

As for me, the last time I face the Cunt Returner, I let loose the fury of 1000 Wobblers to the tune of 265 pts. Lets see if I can can piss Ephrim off again.

Unite the Wobblers

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Truth is that you've always had "The Juice"

The holy grail for all comedy is to be relevant. Comedians and humorist are not exempt from creating insights and touching their audience on deeper and deeper levels.

George Carlin or Bill Hicks weren't the funniest people to ever take a stage, but they made the best of the time they were given on the soapbox. The old equation of Comedy = Tragedy + Time, means that you have to realize the power of shifting an audience's moods and focus. Both Carlin and Hicks were masters of taking complicated matters like war, politics and religion and breaking them down to a level that makes you think "Of course, why hadn't I noticed that". Their genius is based in the fact that they made you laugh at a collective ignorance or something you might be aware of, but had never been able to pin in down in your head.

My friend Dave and I (both graduates of an advertising program) recently decided to create and try to pitch an idea for a television show based on an advertising agency. Neither of us has the money or resources to really get this idea off the ground, but I've come to the realization that money is a poor excuse not to give something a go. After all we both have stable families and degrees to fall back on if we don't succeed. My wish is to not make a show based solely on a cast of dynamic characters coming together to make funny ads, but rather highlight advertising's effects on society using humor.

Advertising is an attempt to sway your choices one way or the other. The science of persuasion meets the art of production. While watching Zeitgeist today (at work) finishes with a fantastic Bill Hicks bit/spoken word piece. It deals with the idea that all your life boils down to is choice. You have to be very careful when someone or something tries to influence you...especially when there is money to be made or fear can be created. At the end of the day you are left with consequences of the choices you make...and those choices are the biggest factor on how you will experience this ride.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Greensville Weekly: Early Playoff Edition

Probably the most awkward photoshop job I've ever done.

Last week's upset special did not disappoint. Shaun, Dirty and Web all won their games Which is bitter sweet being I had to play Dirty, who benefited from 3 of my players contributing less than a point. That takes effort.

With teams 7,8,9 winning no one else clinched a playoff spot leaving 4 vacancies. 3 weeks to sort it out, so we'll see what goes down.

Shyte to Watch This Week

Wobblers vs. 4th and Schlong:
The rivalry continues. Without Earnest Graham or Steven Jackson I have to start Warrick Dunn. Who along with Antonio Bryant should piss off Ashton (Buccaneers fan) all day long as his favorite reality team wins, but his fantasy team loses. 2nd round Playoff preview perhaps.

The Ghost of Koko G vs. Omega Nizzle:
Shaun vs. Dirty for a potential playoff spot. This is on the real for real. Dirty needs a win to survive and Shaun needs the win to stay in the hunt. Weeks ago Dirty traded top receivers Jennings and M. Harrison for the outspoken duo of Joey Eugene Porter and Chad Johnson. After acquiring Chad Johnson, Dirty forgot to check to see if he is actually going to play...which he didn't. So Shaun goes from an 11 point underdog to a player up. I look for the smooth grooves of Harrison and Jennings to haunt Dirty into a tighter spot this week.

Upset Special: Balls over Buck Naked. Talk about your long shots. Balls has just one win on the year, which is probably his last year in Greensville. However, he did finally take Schaub out of his line-up and the easy wins are now officially over. I don't think Buck's WRs Fitzgerald and Boldin are going to continue their massacre of opposing secondaries this week against the Giants and unless Jason Campbell takes advantage of one of the worst pass defenses in the league, this could make the playoff picture even more muddled than it is currently.

Goodnight Mr. Graham, thanks for a very productive season. See you next year's draft.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

He Done Come Up (The Life and Times of Donnell Wright)

I first met Dirty (Donnell aka Dorful aka Dornilious Fog aka MC Forehead) back when I was about 10 years old playing flag football for the Ashland Vikings. Since my weight was well ahead of my height during this stage of my development I was assigned a role on the offensive line. We in the business call it the in the public call it the a bunch of fat guys trying to stop another bunch of fat guys. I don't recall what position Dirty played, though I do remember him having a well manicured beard back then. We won most of our games and went to the playoffs, but I don't recall if we won the championship. By the end of the season came around I was too busy talking to NFL scouts and posing for the "Husky" section in the JC Penny catalog. I do remember receiving a trophy, which later melted after sitting outside too long. Leaving the figure to appear as if it were stricken with a wicked case of the rickets and spine bifida.

But anyway back to Dirty.

I remember my cousins Chico and Reece not liking Donnell and some other black guy in middle school. One day while walking through the hall I passed Donnell and said other black guy. Dirty declared: "There go their cousin right there."

To which I replied "...".

You see, it was a middle school attended by 4oo kids...about 315 of those kids were related to me. All the fame that goes along with being on a successful flag football team had long since faded and I was used to not being referred to by name at this point.

I don't remember interacting with Dirty again until I was about to graduate high school. As part of a secret plan to win the trust of the white man, Dirty and I met again through some mutual "friends". Dirty was even in the band "The Bodegas" until his endless womanizing and drug abuse caused the band to split. He then became a regular face at the white shed...and even in fantasy leagues.

And now he is an internet sensation. You can put his name in the same conversation as Tay Zonday and Eli Porter. All do to one picture being posted on Although one would think dropping Ian Kinsler from your fantasy baseball team would garner more attention.

Excellent form. Eyes closed, elbows in and boobs standing strong.

That picture was taken at Patrick's bachelor party. So was this.

McKenna got that gator so wasted.

Eat up the fame Dirty. Eat it like a warm bowl of oatmeal on a frigid winter morn. Take it from a Has Been flag football player like goes away all too quickly.

Consider this post a toast to Dirty. Friend, Mammal, Fellow Niner Faithful and Blow-up Doll Captain. When the revolution comes may the white man tremble before you! (Those of the white race please disregard that last line.)

Friday, November 14, 2008

Greensville Weekly: The Upset Special!


Whoooooooaaa Doctah! It has happened, the first playoff spots have been claimed.

The Cunt Returner: 8-2
1st place, yet 5th in points.  Suspect, but as long has his team stays hot he should finish out on top.

4th & Schlong:  7-3
I hate Kurt Warner.

Wounded Duck Wobblers:  7-3
Though I still regret not taking Wes Welker from the Cunt Returner, I'm more concerned by the fact that I just had to pick up the hated Juilus Jones being E. Graham and S Jax are breakinGdown just in time for the playoffs.  I hate it when Dave is right.

Bill's Corn Pads:  7-3
With bye weeks out of the way, ole Wild Bill should run up the score faster than Carlton on PCP.

Week 11:  The Week of the Upset

Favre over The Cunt Returner: 
At the end of the day I like Favre's matchups much better than The Returner's.  QBS Manning and Ryan should prove to be deadly against the 1st place Cunts.

Omega Nizzle over Yours Truly:  
If my QB's don't show up Dirty can easily take me out this week.  Santana Moss and Brandon Marshall should be 20 points a piece easy.

Big Fish over Buck Naked:
If for some reason Seattle can stop the Arizona's pass attack (big if) then the playing field is in favor of the Mekong Delta Catfish.  You gotta believe.  

With the ranks 5-10 all being within a game of each other, there should still be some suprises to come down.  4 spots left should be an interesting home stretch.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Greensville Weekly: Week 8

I got knocked out this week. But at least it took till week 8 to finally lose twice in one week. Overall record now 12-6.

The Cunt Returner busted me down a peg to the #3 position by defeating the juggernaut of the league. Another big win came from Favre's Freakshow who stays locked in the playoffs with a win over Big Fish. Some minor rank switches, but other than that, a low scoring ho-hum week in Greensville.

We have 5 more weeks before the playoffs start, let's take a gander at the 7-8-9 spots which are all on shaky ground. I would discuss the number 10 spot but it looks like you can stick a fork in P for the season unless something crazy goes down.

7. Omega Nizzle Supreme: 3-6
Made a good trade when he got Greg Jennings for Matt Forte, but neither player has been themselves since the trade. Omega's only match-up against a lower rank team comes in week 12 when he plays Big Fish, which should be a game to watch if Big Fish can stay a game back. I know he is trying to move one of his backs for help at QB, TE or D which is wise move. However if he is offering others the junk he's been sending my way (See Leon Bennet and Henry Lewis for Drew Brees proposal), I don't see the move being made. The key word here is "survival". Can Dirty survive 5 more weeks and get into the playoffs? I think so, but he does play me before then so I'm not really going to be upset if he drops a game or two.

8. Favre's Fiasco: 3-6
Put up less that 180 and still got the win last week. I don't envy the rest of his schedule though as he has to play the top 2 teams in the last 5 weeks. His team reminds me of the Indianapolis Colts this season. All the name power is there, but the production isn't. Most of his fate relies on the teams that surround him. If he can win 3 out of 5 he should be set. Also look out Week 14 when he plays Big Fish. We can call it the Loser Bowl, being who ever wins that week could very likely be losing to Bill's Corn Pads or the Cunt Returner the week after.

9. Big Fish: 2-7
Shaun doesn't really control his destiny at this point, but this is fantasy football so no one does. Starting McGahee last week hurt and LT and Antonio Gates on a bye didn't help either. With that being said I like what he is working with. With the exception of Gus Ferret, he lacks any significant holes. Out of the three he has the most favorable schedule left, but he is going to have to take 4 out of 5 unless Omega or Favre collapse completely. It's gonna take some luck , but its not impossible.

Finally this is the week we get to see if Ashton can escape from the curse of Webster. Nothing like having a fantasy nemesis. I like hating Shaun in real life, so I just transfer that over the world of nerd sports.

Under My Skin

I'm offended alright. As a man with 27 years of Negro experience I'm offended by being told I should feel offended by Fox News. Nader's point is clear...Is Obama going to sell-out in favor of corporations and the military industrial complex (like the hated Bush) or is he going to actually champion those who find so much faith in him. After all there was a lot of big money invested in Obama (Lehman Bros. Goldman Sacks and Citigroup to name a few). Time will show his true colors, but history is not in homeboy's favor (I didn't hear the people calling for that bail out know who was?). You know what every black person is going to call Obama if they don't see their quality of life improving? An Uncle Tom. What else should I call the first African American president if he choses policies that further the burden his people, while I watch him work happily with many of the corporations and institutions responsible for said burden.

"He didn't have to face it (Obama's authenticity) until it came out of your mouth". - Fox's fake outrage distributor

Really? Well then thank God it came out of someone's mouth. As a nation of people who don't test their leader's mettle until it's too late; what better time to start holding our leaders to the fire than now? Obama's got the "juice" what is he going to do with said beverage?

Leave it to mainstream media to focus on the shock phrase "Uncle Tom". He didn't even call Obama an Uncle Tom. Nader simply made the line distinct and unforgiving. Identifying two clear paths for the president elect. Ralph is going to take heat for the comment, because people will think: "Where does a white guy get off questioning a black man's authenticity"? Not aware of his Lebanese heritage. Nader's life has been dedicated to protecting the same people who put Obama in office. He has every right to ask the question, and if he hadn't said the words "Uncle Tom" the issue continues to be buried under the celebration of the nation's first minority president. Don't allow your happiness to blind you to the fact that Obama is at the end of the day a politician. His job is to represent and serve the people. If that were happening there wouldn't be such clamor for a messiah like president promoting change.

Note: Nothing like some info broad from a suspect "news outlet" declaring your career over. Though I'm glad there was enough psuedo anger to go around.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Greensville Weekly: Week 7

So what did we learn from week 8?

We learned that to beat Bill's Corn Pads you gotta put up 200 points or hope Mckenna passes out after a wake and bake and forgets to set his players.

We learned that there is still plenty of fight left in the Big Fish. Even after taking my horrible advice to start Ryan Fitzpatrick over Joe Flacco, he was able to pull off the victory. Who knew Flacco would also catch a TD, but I can't figure out the Ravens this season so more power to the purple bird thunder beaks. Also doesn't hurt when 3 of your opponents best players get stymied, producing under 10 points.

We learned that in this here Greensville, you better make sure your D is straight. Buck Naked lost to The Cunt Returner by one and half point. Buck Naked also neglected to start a full roster on his defense. 2 tackles would have gotten him the win.

We learned that Omega Nizzle is a gentleman. I can appreciate one shorting his roster being your opponent is down a player, but there is no room in Greensville for fantasy chivalry. You must crush your enemies. See them driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women.

Week 9 Match Ups to Watch:

Cunt Returner vs. Bill's Resin Balls: The first thing you notice is Bill has to start two QB's who aren't Romo and Delhomme. He will be going with the serviceable Cassel and the last man standing in KC, Tyler Thigpen. Both men have horrible match ups against pretty stout defenses. This is the week where the king of the hill might succumb to the wrath of the fantasy gods...but can the Cunt Returner generate enough points without Phillip Rivers to overcome? We shall see.

Omega Dolphin Supreme vs. Favre's Fiasco: Webster needs this one bad, but its not like Omega can afford too many losses at this point. My prediction is that Webster pulls this one out to stay in the playoff hunt. Dirty has a ton of talent on both fronts, but his offense has some unsavory match ups this week. Gerald Jennings at Tennessee, Mantana Soss (hamstring injury) against Pittsburgh and Marion Barber at the South Jersey Tyrees. Great roster on WR and RB, but those shaky QBs are gonna have to show up big time to grab that "W" for Nizzle.

eek eek baby. Not aerodynamic in the least bit, but he gets his tuna.