Friday, October 31, 2008

Dimmu Borgir

So Dimmu Borgir (Iceland Death Metal) played at the Orange Peel tonight and they came by Barley's (one of my jobs) to grab a bite to eat before they shoved a dead cat up a dead goat's butt on stage.

I've never tried so hard to not mess up an order in my life...I mean look at these guys.

Everyone in the kitchen enjoys the metal and I was thinking about throwing one of their albums on since I actually like two songs, but Black Sabbath was already playing so no dice. But yeah I made their food...I feel a lot more metal now.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Drinking Pizza Movie Reviews: The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Got a text from Gary while at work that read: "Rocky Horror at ABC tonite". My first thought was..."Meh"...then I remembered that the rest of my week will be spent working both jobs, thereby nullifying any social life. Unless you count the people who insist on talking to me in the bathroom at Barley's. Then when I was about to go get my ticket for the show my friend Matt dropped this on me: "You are gonna hate me. It's just corny." Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but being the movie is just $3, I've never seen it and I was in desperate need to satisfy my pizza fix, I decided to take my chances.

I should preface this review by stating: I hate musicals. Outside of The Nightmare Before Christmas, I can't stand movies where the cast breaks out into song and dance. In some ways the traditions of the Taliban make good sense. Now on to the movie. If you take away the crowd interaction, which there was plenty of, I really don't see the appeal of this movie. There are funny parts and the costumes are pretty interesting. The acting was good, though I don't think I'll be able to look at Tim Curry the same again. I don't care how many beards you grow Tim, you are now cemented in my memory as the world's weirdest girlman and ladyboy. I was a bit surprised when half the audience got up to dance. I was kinda annoyed by the people constantly yelling unfunny comments at the screen...often the same thing over and over again. I was about to go into fight mode when people threw rice, toilet paper and toast around the audience, as I could use all of those in my home at the moment. The movie itself was pretty much a yawn fest that relied on the experience of being in the audience inhabited by people who think otherwise. This was my first and most likely last time watching this film. When it comes to a situation where the audience gets to talk back to the bad movie...leave it to the professionals.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Blog Pot Luck

This weekend was chuck full of blog fodder. So much that I really can't decide on one topic. So with the blessing of Brevarious the god of brevity here are some stories, a couple of movie reviews and a sports take. Its like going to Golden Corral but you don't have to leave your house or deal with old people complaining about how the mashed potatoes are too difficult to chew.

Story Time: Gary and I went down to Brevard to visit Park on Friday who was house sitting for a yoga instructor/personal trainer. Gary brought his dog so we had 4 dogs in the house. Park tried as best as he could not to let the dogs get rowdy, but I wasn't trying to hear that...and boy they got rowdy alright. I think the body count is officially one chewed up blanket, two dog doo land mines indoors ( there were countless bombs on the deck outside that I somehow managed not to step in) and one destroyed pillow. Park and Gary argued over which dog to blame...not being the owner of the house or a dog, I chalked this up to a case of dogs will be dogs and continued to eat free food and enjoy the hot tub.

The real chestnut in this adventure was the next morning when we went to go eat breakfast. I'm a seasoned veteran of Ashville's stare at the black guy game, but boy did I get it hard in the sticks of Brevard. To make matters worse, while trying to traverse through spaces in between the tables of the restaurant I accidentally spilled some extremely hot coffee on an elderly white lady. Which immediately resulted in me making this face:

Most if not all of the lava landed on her jacket without her saying a word, but I apologized (without looking at her as to not let her get a decent description of my face to give to police) though I doubt she heard me. Until they left I avoided eye contact and shared awkward laughter with Gary and Park. When they left awkward laughter became loud witty remark time. I think the worst thing that could of happened is that I cost Obama a vote...which really isn't that bad.

Saturday Keller Williams played a free outside concert in downtown yeah...that happened. I would say the dude is overrated, but I only hear people talk about him in passing. Didn't really feel his gig, but I was also helping Matt make fun of people...which was way more entertaining.

Netflix Reviews:
Got to see two very good movies this weekend. It's hard to talk about each film without giving too much away so here is a quick rundown.

13 Tzameti: If you can survive the first 30 minutes of slow paced setup you'll be rewarded with and hour of intense thought provoking cinema. This is a French movie so I hope you can speak French or read...if not you've already wasted enough time pretending to read my here to redirect to a site that will actually make you look smarter than you are. The movie centers around a 22 year old man and his quest to support his family through odd jobs. Suspecting a big pay day he takes an invitation sent to his recently deceased employer and is quickly hurled into a very dark scenario. Think Saw, but without the bad acting, plot, ideas.
If you are in the mood for a good foreign film pick this one up. Netflix Gold for sure.

Inside Man: A 2006 Spike Lee joint with a hefty cast including Denzel Washington, Clive Owen, Willem "Skeletor" Defoe and Jodie "I feel like I should be attracted to her, but it just ain't happening" Foster. A crime drama involving a highly organized and well thought out bank robbery. All actors show up and give great performances and the movie is written just as well. If you missed this 2006 surprise then I would definitely rent this one. If you aren't a Spike Lee fan, I urge you to check it out. Shows how versatile this guy can be when he isn't on a soapbox. Netflix Silver

Sunday Seance:
Went for a run Sunday morning and came back in time to catch most of the NFL games. I'm glad I had the day off from work, being there were so many great games with awesome finishes. While my football viewing ended on a sour note by watching the 49ers rip my heart out again, I gotta say I love me some Mike Singletary. Dude is straight old school fire. His first game coaching the niners he benched JT O'Sullivan( after he couldn't find the off switch to the turnover machine) and then sent Vernon Davis' prima donna ass to the locker room early for making a fool of himself on the field. Mike Singletary was the first football player who I understood was clearly better than most who played his position. My grandfather was a Chicago Bears fan and I owned Tecmo Bowl and thus began my infatuation with Singletary. Here is a quick excerpt from Singletary's post game presser.

"It's something I told players at the beginning of the week. I will not tolerate players who think it is about them and not the team. We can't make decisions that cost the team, and then come off the sidelines and it's nonchalant. I'd rather play with 10 people and just get penalized all the way until we have to do something else. Rather than play with 11, when I know that right now, that person is not sold out to be part of the team. It's more about them, than it is the team. You can not play with them. You can not win with them. You can not coach with them, can't do it. I want winners. I want people who want to win."

When this man says listen or prepare to eat your molars.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Greensville Weekly (formerly Fantasy Island)

-And BOOM goes the dynamite!-

So I decided to end the Fantasy Island idea. Just didn't really keep my attention the way I thought it might. So instead I'll move my fantasy interest into a "weekly whats up post" about the Greensville fantasy league.

As I predicted Shaun "Big Fish" Nelson's attempt to run the table in reverse (lose all his games) fell short this week, as he lacked the talent and perseverance to go all the way and lose again this week. Had Gus Frerotte shown some focus and managed to throw 8 interceptions instead of 4 Shaun would still be on the road to Greensville fame. Now he is just some chump at the bottom of the list.

In the battle of the kissing cousins 4th & Schlong snatched a victory from The Cunt Returner in a close game decided on Monday night. Sammy Morris turned out to be Ashton's saving grace this week after the Farve and Cotchery connection yielded about 9 points. Always scary when a single defensive player puts up more points than a QB and WR combined.

Dave "Asian Ballz" kept his streak alive by defeating the Buck Naked Ballers in a blowout. Though one wonders what will become of the Orientals when young master Mewelde Moore is back on the bench.

The trade of Greg Jennings for Matt Forte didn't do much for Omega Nizzle this week. Big Bill from Awesomeville hung 215 points on Dirty this week. Romo...Brady?...who needs em when you have Matt Cassel throwing 3 TDs. Also who really needs to start a full roster? Not Dirty obviously.

Oh yeah, please do holler at your boy who went to 4 straight wins on the back of Steven Jackson's 3 TD performance. Which I needed being Brees and Colston hooked up for just around 0 connections. That combo is taking much too long to develop for my patience.

Key Matchups Week 8:
4th and Balls vs. Bill's Corn Pads: The former and the current number one going head to head this week. I think 4th has this one. After all I need Bill knocked down a peg to put me at number 1.

Omega vs. Balls and Big Fish vs. Favre's Freakshow: The bottom 4 teams are trying to get into or stay in position to make the 8 team playoffs . Just so happens they are all playing each other this week. So let's see who can manage to suck the least. One more loss and Balls is pretty much out of the playoffs. Omega needs a win to stay alive as well and has a squad able to put down P for the season. I'm hoping Shaun comes storming back into the playoff picture, but that most likely won't happen if he picks up the "L" this week.

So some pretty important nerdery going down this weekend. Did I mention the winner gets a Zong autographed by Kris Burton?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Drinking Pizza Movie Reviews: Pineapple Express.

Asheville Brewing Company is the local second run movie theater, which also serves pizza and beer. Great friends, great food and cheap movies. Does life get any better?

I remember talking to Shaun on AIM and linking him to the trailer for Pineapple Express. The first thing I though was "Wow, Seth Rogan is making a pothead buddy flick (why didn't the word "pothead" come up as a spelling error?)" My next thought was "Wow, this song is crazy dope" (Paper Planes by M.I.A).

I didn't catch the movie when it came out originally, but now that it's at the local second run theater, Asheville Brewing Company, I thought this would be a great time to see if this movie would be as entertaining as I thought it would be. The short answer is a solid no. Much like trying to conquer one of those softball sized jawbreakers, this movie started off sweet and inviting, but ended with the thought "This was a better idea two hours ago".

Quick Synopsis. Dale Denton (Seth Rogan) is a 25 year old marijuana addicted process server, dating an 18 year old high school student. His current dealer is Saul, an unkempt slacker with a passion for 2-2-7...wait for it.....


After receiving the sneak preview of the titular strand of ganja called "Pineapple Express", Dale witnesses the murder of a chinaman, who I assume did not take the knees of anyone in Vietnam, and is seen fleeing the scene of the crime by the killer and his accomplice Rosie "Angry Dancer" Perez. During his getaway Dale leaves a roach of the rare strand behind, allowing the killer/drug lord to figure out who the witness may be. After alerting Saul, they decide to get out of dodge before they drug lord puts the pieces together.

The Positive: The movie starts off well enough and you get settled in to a rather exciting crime comedy. The characters are all original and offer a lot of laughs. The friendship that evolves between Dale and Saul is well done, as they try to bridge the gap between dealer and user. Anyone who knows the dynamics of this particular symbiotic system will find more laughs than others. Though I couldn't imagine going on a road trip with my Robotussin dealer.

The Negative: Overall, the movie is just too ridiculous for it's own good. From what I can tell, a great deal of the dialogue is improved, but fails to shine through the poorly delivered plot. As with most comedies these days, the humor seems front loaded and 3/4ths the way through you start checking your watch waiting for the credits to roll. The violence is very Itchy and Scratchyesque, providing laughs at first then like the rest of the movie, wears out it's welcome by the end. Also, why in the world would a movie about and for potheads run almost 2 hours (Why did the word "potheads" just alert my spell must be okay). You could actually feel the collective high wear off amongst those "partaking" in the audience. Must have been hell in the kitchen. I've never seen so many gummi bear pizzas eaten in one night.

Overall: Meh. ABC movies are only 3 bucks, which is about 1 and 1/2 slices of pizza. I'm still debating whether or not I should have ordered a slice and watched college football at the bar for my friends instead. If you like Seth Rogan, pick it up as a rental when it comes out. I wouldn't buy a the DVD though...just save the $20, get high and watch Cops instead...or episodes of Sanford & big dummy.

Quick List: My current Top 5 Marijuana based movies.
1. Half Baked: I'm not sure if it can be topped.
2. Friday: If you can't quote this movie...we aren't friendds.
3. Harold and Kumarr Go to White Castle: Such a surprise. Too bad the sequel was the dud bud.
4. Cheech and Chong Nice Dreams: This movie brought tears to my eyes even before I knew what ganja was...haven't seen it since though...which just ain't right.
5. Weirdsville: Know one knows about this film, but its just a great low budget film. Netflix Gold!

Wonder why I call her Rosie "Angry Dancer" Perez...view on oh curious reader and remember to fight the power!:

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Fantasy Island Week 6

This video pretty much summarizes my fantasy performance over the last 3 weeks. I'm the guy in the white pants...not the guy getting his jaw disintegrated.

The fantasy gods must have fell asleep this week and ignored my lapse of arrogance in last week's post. The streak reaches 7 consecutive victories in my alternative/preferred reality. This is about the time I should point out the negative correlation between my success in fantasy sports and real life.

Exhibit A: When I decided to move to Asheville, I went from 1st to fourth in fantasy baseball.

Exhibit B: 2007 was the year of fantasy Derek as I won baseball and both football leagues. Conversely, it was also the year of failure Derek as I unsuccessfully looked for work in advertising. At least I got to put three gold trophies in my Yahoo fantasy closet (pause for uncomfortable laughter turning into crying).

Exhibit C: This current streak of fantasy ass kickery fails to lift my spirits as I feel the burden of yet another dead end job crushing my dreams. Though I am enjoying my internship with Sensible City, which probably explains why I haven't been able to start Marques Colston this year.

If this must be the trend, then I'll face my destiny on both fronts. Either swim to fantasy glory while drowning 5 days of the week in the real world; or watch these monkeys bring down the gorilla and hope to catch a break.

Fantasy Savior: Drew Brees....COME ON DOWN!!!! Good lord boy you done out did yo self dis week. 320 yards and 3 being for two thats just showing off. Play on playah and you get Colston back this week. Though your success is ruining my real life, I can hack it.

Fantasy Cuts: Line em up. Benjamin Watson: 0 points, Lawyer Milloy: 1.6 points, Mike Vrabel: 1.6 pts. I appreciate what you all are trying to do for me and my future, but I simply can tolerate no more. Especially you Vrabel, you were supposed to be defensive point machine, but I guess its time to send you to the scrap heap.

One thing about fantasy football; you can avoid the injury bug no man is immune to bye weeks. So I'll be without Donovan McNabb, Roddy White and Larry Fitzgerald this week. Will I get to nine wins in a row? If so you can probably find me celebrating in the kitchen of Barley's. Man seriously...fuck that place.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Fantasy Island: Week 5

Around the way they call me "Giant Killer".

In the last two weeks I played the two remaining undefeated teams in Greensville (The Cunt Returner and Bill's Corn Pads). Let's just say no one will be running the table this year. Though Bill put up a good fight with 9 touchdowns overall, my corns went unrelieved as defense proved to be my saving grace. Speaking of which... someone phone Mike Vrabel (my second pick on defense) and tell him to at least tackle an already downed opponent and maybe I can get credit for a 1/2 tackle. Don't want to drop him because he has been known to score TDs, but I don't think I can hold on much longer.

I also won in Sam's league, bringing my winning streak to 4 games and an overall record of 7-3 with the points lead in each league. I'd say I'm off to a good start and despite my lack of a QB in Sam's league I like my squads.

Instead of running down my week, I'll do something a bit different. Since we are five games in I think this is as good a time as any to review Greensville. I would do the same for Sam's league, but with 90 teams I'd have to actually buy more bandwidth.

In Current ranking order.

1. 4th & Schlong: 4-1
Still the best name in the league. You would think a team which drafted Tom Brady would be struggling, but stranger things have happend in Greensville. If Ashton can avoid the injury bug to his retirement home he calls a QB duo (Kurt Warner and Brett Farve...Warren Moon wasn't available I guess) he definitely has the scariest team in the "Ville".

2. Bill's Corn Pads: 4-1
McKenna has come a long way. From the days of drafting Kyle Boller first round, then followed by a kicker in the third he has one of the most dangerous teams in the league. If he can pick up some more talent on defense and Steve Smith comes back to life he'll be around for the playoffs.

3. The Cunt Returner: 4-1
The Rookie of the default. As a fellow victim of the now dreaded Derek Anderson pick I really don't understand how his team is doing this well (he also has the under performing Kellen Winslow). Outside of Phillip Rivers and Terrell Owens I don't see the power, but obviously he is doing something right. If the Browns turn it around though...look out.

4. Wounded Duck Wobblers: 3-2
I need to make trades...but smart trades. If I can move Earnest Graham for a solid Tight End or WR then I should be able to stay in the hunt. Though when Marques "Coldstone" Colston comes back it's gonna be lights out.

5. Buck Naked Ballers: 3-2
Last year Torrey was my nightmare, owning both Brady and Randy Moss. This year he practiced affirmative action and went with an all black QB duo (Garrard and Campbell). Has all the tools to beat anyone in Greensville (WRs: Fitzgerald, Boldin and Braylon Edwards), but those quarterbacks aren't scaring anyone.

6. Asian Ballz: 2-3
When you look at Dave's team you immediately get the feeling that this guy missed the draft. He sure did, but he is doing rather well with what Yahoo's fate machine dealt him. If he can con me into trading him Graham or Dirty into trading an RB for a QB, I like his chances to be a player down the stretch.

7. Omega Nizzle Supreme: 2-3
"I'm gonna win this league" stated Dirty in the smack talk section a couple of weeks ago. Well not with those QBs you aren't. Sure its a down year for Hasselbeck who should be better when Seattle gets healthy, but you can't play the captain going down with the ship on the S.S. Marc Bulger. Time to get your black ass in the dingy. Though his incredible depth at RB could make for a good trade down the line, just wouldn't wait too long to pull the trigger on any lingering offers.

8. Favre's Freak Show: 2-3
Could and should be a top 5 team. When Peyton remembers his last name is Manning and the Steelers find some stability in their offense I expect to see Web's team climb the ranks. Though he's gotta consider shuffling the defense up...there are about 10 guys on waivers that are better than his starters.

9. Balls: 1-4
It's never good when you have to use FaceBook to tell someone to get their roster straight. Outside of his RB duo, the entire team just screams mediocrity. Could make the playoffs though if Shaub and Aaron Rodgers get healthy and turn their teams around.

10. Rickey's Gunney Sack: 0-5
Shaun has been a victim of a crazy year in the NFL. All the names are there...even snagged LT as his first pick. Who knew the Bengals would be as bad as they are (owns both Carson Palmer and Ocho Cinco). Who knew that Willis McGahee would be splitting carries and giving up TDS all year. Who knew that Antonio Gates would go from sugar to shit over the off season. Just goes to show...all you can do is draft properly and let the players play. Good draft, but it seems that the fantasy gods have turned their back on the 1/2 of team WhiteShed.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Gotta Keep the Devil Down in the Hole.

The devil and his friend were walking down a path. They spotted a man stooped over looking at an object on the ground. The man picks up the object and places it in his pocket.

The devil's friend ask: "What did he just pick up?"

The Devil replied: "It was a piece of the truth"

His friend replies: "Well, thats bad business for you"

"Not at all" the Devil replies, "I'm going to help him organize it".

-not mine, but an interesting story that says a lot about relying on other's to present you with the truth. Gotta dig for yourself these days and keep the devil down in the hole.