Friday, May 28, 2010


I have two pals at work. Well, I have friends here, but the only two who keep me company throughout the day are Pandabot and Jihabot. Oddly enough they are gifts from my friend and ambassador of all things pleasant, Joy. I'm experimenting with my new camera and editing software so eventually something completely nonsensical would be created. Open wide.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Slaving Over a Hot Desktop

They really don't pay me enough for all the work I do. These people couldn't wipe their ass without me.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Preakness: A Balance of Booze, Horses and the Sun

What I learned from my visit to the Preakness:

1. I'm still a big fan of sundresses and the women who host them.

2. The Mug Club ($20 all-you-can-drink) is a good idea...until you risk running out of beer...then prepare for sweaty, drunk and sunburned riot.

3. Port-a-potties are still gross. My advice, do all your drinking and eating early so you don't have to use them after all the people who have been stuffing themselves with burgers, burritos and funnel cakes. If you must go, try to find a stable with an apathetic horse.

4. Collective Soul still exists...I don't know why.

5. Protect your lawn chairs with your life. Drunk guys in need of rest have a rather socialist view on seating. This guy was actually the second dude to take a spell in our chairs. Not that we minded, but when you can't even eat efficiently due to your intoxication - its probably time to call it a day.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A Cool Headed Letter to The Piece of Shit Who Broke into My Car

Dear Worthless Thieving Junky Asshole:

What were you thinking? What did you see in my car that made you think "Oh shit! Jackpot!"? Was it the Taco Bell wrappers or my bag of heroin? It definitely wasn't my bag of heroin, cause as everyone knows I keep my "Mexican Mud" in the tank behind the toilet. And what was up with going through my glove box and throwing the contents all over the car? Did the wet naps send you into a furious rage?

Thanks for taking all my CDs by the way. I hope you find someone who wants to buy a burned copy of Black Sabbath's Paranoid or my Shonen Knife collection. You didn't take my change or my Ipod charger, just my workout clothes and my music. Is that some sort of sign? Should I not be working out or enjoying obscure hip-hop? Nah, you just aren't very good at what you do. I'm going to go put out the word to all the local drug dealers that if they are offered Saafir's Boxcar Session in exchange for some "Racehorse Charlie" to refuse you service. Hope you can find some "Big Harry" on the east side of Baltimore, cause you are cut off over here son!

What about not even touching the American flag tie? No interest in being patriotic huh? It actually makes sense now...the stolen music...the disorganized destruction...the unwillingness to take my patriot tie...the fucking Taliban broke into my car!

Well you are probably back in your cave in AIDSganistan now, but rest assure you won't get away with this. You might have taken my music, but you left something very near and dear to your heart behind - your filthy fucking needles! Have fun shooting up that WMD, Spidah bags or Red-tops without your AIDS sticks.

Seriously: Thanks for costing me a shitload of money I don't have and causing me to miss a day of work and a chance to go to Asheville. I would say karma will catch up with you, but I'm sure your crippling addiction is punishment enough. Not saying I would mind you being attacked by herd of rabid beavers, but I'm sure you'll meet an untimely end by choking on your own vomit or tongue...God Bless.