Sunday, March 1, 2009

To Beard or Not To Beard...

I miss Kids in the Hall.

Lousy Smarch weather. For someone who fancies themselves as a funnyman, my lack of timing is epic. As soon as I shave my beard, mother nature remembers it's early March and screams "In like a lion fool!" while dumping sleet and snow on my defenseless face.

This was the coldest winter I've ever experienced and I kept a beard much longer than I normally would. Asheville is full of face suits though, which made me feel like I blended in with my hairy brethren. While I was in Richmond, Chuck told me that when you are having trouble growing hair on certain parts of your faces, get a man with a beard to rub it on the spot. That's the closest my face has been to another man's since my days as one of Madonna's background dancers.

I got it in my skull to get rid of the facial hair at the end of February and bring an end to the dual realities that come with me sporting a fine mouth curtain. There were the good times. Like when girls compliment your beard. Nothing puts a strut in your gate like cute coffee shop girls commenting on your style.

Me: Large coffee to go please
Coffee Broad: Sure, you on your way to Barley's?
Me: Yeah about to get the day going I guess.
Coffee Broad: I'm liking the beard.

Yep, that's Alicia Keys riding a puppy. You think you're better than me?

Me: Really? Thanks! It's so manly and thick that I lost my lips a few days ago, can I use yours to find em'?

Didn't say that last part, but you get the idea. Beards open doors that bare faces can't.

Then there are the bad times. Like when you are walking home at night and you get mistaken for a homeless man.

Homeless Man: Hey what's going on?
Me: Not much, howya doing?
Homeless Man: You know just trying to stay warm, you got a place to stay tonight?
Me: (Thinking that this man was about to ask to stay at my house) Uhhh...yep.
Homeless Man: Oh you got a tent or are you at the mission?

Me: I live in a house.
Homeless Man: Oh
Me: Yeah, very more rooms than I can use. Gets a bit hot in the winter though.

Okay that last part was made up, but damn that's a new low.

On my personal beard record, I give my latest attempt a 7. It did it's job, but maybe next I'll grow a different style of beard. Thinking about giving this one a try: