Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Fantasy Island Week 4

When it rains it pours...

200 points is the magic number in the league of Greensville. Meaning if you can get to 2 hunnit, you are most likely going to win. After failing to crack the 180 mark the first 3 weeks the Wobblers came up aces with the highest score set in the league thus far. 260.80? I'm only used to seeing that number on the scale (back in my lardier days) or on my paycheck. That freakish score raised me from 8th to 5th place and 3rd in overall points.

In the other league it took a game winning field goal in overtime from Jeff Reed to get me the win, keeping me in 3rd place.

Fantasy Savior: I hate to snub Drew Brees yet again, but Laveranues Coles caught three touchdown passes without defeating my beloved Niners. However, the game is the game and I'm used to fantasy and reality allegiances colliding. Speaking of which; I wanted to put a hex on Brett Favre for almost costing me the win in Sam's league. 6 touchdown passes by an opposing player would normally call for me to break out the piano wire and get on the next train to New York to see what the core of Brett's Adam's apple looks like. Being that 3 of those TDs went to Coles, I'll keep the "Life Line" and Favre can keep his jugular another week...maybe.

Fantasy Shitbird:
Heath Miller didn't need to do much to help me win Monday night, but his 2 receptions for 8 yards effort would have spelled doom if not for Jeff Reed's leg. I've had the worst luck with tight ends this year, but if I can't rely on "Big Money" Miller, who else is out there.

Now I must get ready to take on the undefeated Bill's Corn Pads. McKenna's team named after his father's feet will pose a significant problem, but I've already taken down one giant this year. Speaking of which someone put out an A.P.B on Gheorge Mureshan.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

2008 Fantasy Baseball Yearbook

Well, Fart Huffers LLC had a good year but won't be repeating as champion and unless that time machine I ordered on the internet turns out to be worth the $19.99 we won't be finishing any better than 4th in baseball. Not a bad year though, we held down first place a couple times, but a slow economy, Fantasy Adam and lack of power numbers caught up with us in the second half.

To cap off this season I decided to put some good use to my time spent watching games on Stat Tracker and Yahoo Gamecast. There are a lot of funny looking people in the MLB , all of whom are far more successful in life and with ladies than I, but here is my cowardly rebuttal in the form of photos and captions.

Ramon Vazquez: Sporting a mustache only at 8 year-old girl could love.

Dioner Navarro: I'm convinced he simply moved the connector of his uni-brow to his chin. Nice save.

Houston Street: Calm down fella.

Jorge Posada: The Yahoo photographer must have fell for Jorge's infamous "pull my finger" gag before he snapped this one.

Masa Kobayashi: Masa got his team photo done at Glamor Shots and got a background of his choosing. Chain link fence...not bad, but I would have gone for the majestic waterfall.

Gabe Kapler: Voted "Whitest man in the MLB."

Jeff Baker: Skeletor called, he wants his heroin addiction back.

Adam Jones: Adam...ADAM!...Wake up or your mom isn't gonna buy the wallet size prints.

Miguel Cairo: Quick quiz: Derek is about to make a reference to which popular figure: A) Popeye. B) Mills Lane. C) Mick the trainer, from the movie Rocky or D) All of the above. See below for the answer.

Chad Bradford: You know this guy has started and ended his share of bar fights. "Fuggin A I touched your wife's ass! Keep those gums flapping and I'll be kicking yours!"

That about does it. Thanks to Shank Nelpin for helping me keep an eye out. See yah next season. Go Dodgers...unless the Brewers make the playoffs then thats my October team.

Oh yeah the answer is E) Billy Barty

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Fantasy Island Week 3

Fantasy Proverb #131: Play match-ups, not yourself. Meaning don't over think the situation; trust your fantasy gut and show some cohones. I, a fool, did not follow this proverb and I came away with one win and one really close loss in week 3.

While trying to decide who to start at my wide receiver/tight end position (no gay jokes) I totally ignored Laveranues Coles on my bench due to that big "Q" next to his name indicating that he was questionable to play, and it's not like he had been a world beater the first two weeks either…but the decision not to start him, even though Ashton was starting his quarterback and I could nullify some of his stats, cost me the W. Also...who names their kid Laveranues?

Just when I thought Favre would blow it for Ashton and that Michael Turner had all but single handedly crushed my team in the other league, every thing got turned on its head. Favre had to go into shootout mode against the Chargers and Michael Turner turned (get it?) out not to be enough to keep Sam ahead in points. So three weeks in I'm 3-3. I know what I need though…I need to stop the bleeding in my league and a solid receiving option until Colston comes back. In the other league I need Derek Anderson to stop wilting before my eyes like a flower separated from the soil. Especially since my back up is Chad "Short Passes only" Pennington.

Fantasy Savior: From the depths of doom Ladanian Tomlinson came thundering back with a two touchdown effort that sealed the victory for me in Sam's league. Granted Sam has the worst injury bug ever loosing Tom Brady and Marques Colston on the same team, but that was a close one.

Fantasy A Fool Actor: Oh namesake why did I draft thee. You Derek Anderson, were a sexy pick a month ago, but now I just have to wait and see if you can turn things around. How I win with your 2 TDS and 5 INTS over the first 3 weeks I do not know, but the league is so shallow on waivers I have no other choice but to start you until they install Brady "Muscle Shark" Quinn Week 5.

Noticing that my fantasy team is doing very well, Derek Anderson audibles to throw yet another interception.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Aliens vs. Predator Requiem: The Live Blog

(Current Movie Time 30 minutes)

So yeah the live blog was a late idea and I've practicality missed the first half hour of the movie while tinkering with my fantasy teams. I doubt I missed any crucial plot developments, but I did catch out of the corner of my eye an alien busting out of a little kids chest. So thus far I guess I'm gonna pull for the Predators. There is also a pizza delivery guy who looks to be the main character. If this is the hero...this movie has already won me over. Wait he just let JTT (Jonathan Taylor Thomas) kick his ass in front of some broad. Not acceptable.

The Predators as I suspected are on their way. And I think one is about to kill a cop...and yep...there goes Lt. Quickkill.

(Current Movie Time 48 minutes in)

Quick update...I think the forecast calls for a slight chance of brief nudity. And Denied by JTT!...and here comes the fight...Okay Predator all of a sudden started kicking ass, be right back. The only black kid in the movie just got gutted by an alien...must have been going for endurance.

The battle is going full swing. The protaganists are holding out in a building of some sort while this whole thing blows over. I think the aliens are ahead on the kill count. Despite the lack of nudity this movie could be doing worse. The Army just arrived, so I think are about to get ridiculous (about to?). Uhhh......the aliens are in a hospital killing pregnant women now....seriously....wow.

Now we throw in a government conspiracy. I tell you the twist and turn in this movie are as unpredictable as a knock- knock joke. Protagonists are in route to Giliam's Square (sp?) where there may or may not be an evacuation aircraft waiting for them. By the way...a pregnant woman had a litter of alien puppies burst from her like a fountain of Jello. Aliens are up by a lot, maybe they aren't judging this competition on overall body count....I'll go check the abstract on Netflix.

I just realized that one of the aliens is an AlienPredator hybrid. This would actually be a good time to say I never saw the first Alien vs. Predator I can only hope this was explained in that movie.

Well in what was an epic dual of extraterrestrials, I think we'll have to call this one a draw. After getting a group of protagonists the good ole U.S of A just drop a bomb on the site killing aliens, predators and even a few humans to boot. I feel obligated to chant U-S-A. What a weird last scene. They show some of the predator's weaponry to an older Asian woman, who declares that our world is not ready for this technology. The reply is simply "But this isn't for our world is it Ms. Utani". So I guess some how old Asian women are going to start hunting Predators now for the third movie. If it's as half as good as this movie, you can count me in...in an iron maiden which would be complete bliss compared to watching another movie this bad.

Asheville...Yall Niggas Crazy pt. 1

Asheville is a unique place. Despite the fact that the black people don't come into town at night and everyone stares much longer than necessary, I'm making myself quite comfortable here.

Currently I'm holding down a jobs at Sensible City and Barley's Taproom (gotta try the Pumpkin Ale...tis the hoobanger). Some days are really long, but I work with awesome people on both sites and they are so different that it doesn't really feel like I'm leaving one job for the other all too often.

You may have noticed the "pt. 1" on the title, so yes that does mean I'm starting another series of posts and this one has nothing to do with sports. This series is designed to show some of the cooler aspects of Asheville, along with my unique brand of humor and poor grammar.

I live in Chicken Hill, a section of town where we claim to be the craziest and have the most sex with the opposite gender. About a five minutes walk down the street is the French Broad River and a railroad track. Haven't spent too much time at the river, but I did get a chance to go take some pictures at the free wall near the tracks. Which turned out to be a good idea, being they are making way for "sustainable village" of homes. Dinslo, a long time friend and stranger odor distributor, hipped me to the wall awhile back and told me there is always fresh graffiti up. Right now it seems that the contractors want to put an end to this wall having recently dumped a bunch of gravel and dirt next to the walls, making it near impossible for the fellas around town to show their skills at this venue. It's kind of like wildlife though, you can take over their habitat, but they all don't disappear , some simply move on. I look forward to seeing more around the city.

Here are some of the flicks from the wall...Hope you enjoy.

Love me some stencils. Not too many in Richmond, but I've found several in Asheville. Great work on Obama and Hilldog. Apathy is never a good idea, but neither is voting for the lesser of two evils right?

I've always preferred characters over words. I like the pumpkin more than the Stitch on the left...though you could probably figure this out by the angle of the shot.


I'm sure what I like more: the character or my ill placed shadow.

I was gonna write something witty about the Pringles guy, but then a housefly the size of a kaiser roll just flew in my room. Gonna have to break out the Roscoe to handle this one.

Tools of the trade I presume. Nice to know that Pabst is enjoyed by people from all walks of life. From the graffiti artist, to the gutter punks, to the people who just can't convince themselves to pay more than two dollars for a beer.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Fantasy Island: Week 2

Week 2 Synapsis:
The swift hand of Karma punch me square in the jimmy this week. First, after I exhaled in relief after I dodged the week 1 injury bug, Marcus Colston aka The Colston Creamery went down with a torn thumb ligament. So my third round pick will be out about a month, but the good news is that the injury wasn't to his legs, ankles or knees. The second blow came in the form of 2 losses to the same guys I blew out week one, leaving me at an even .500 at 2-2. The fantasy gods obviously frowned upon my new blog series, but I'm used to not being in their favor...so on we go.

Week 1 Saviour:

With 2 losses there really weren't too many bright spots, but my receiving corps in the "Gay for God" league is proving to flesh out rather well. Both Greg Jennings and Larry "Jerry Rice Jr" Fitzgerald tried their best to keep me afloat. Well done boys, but this week it was an uphill battle.

Week 2 A Fool Actor:

Get the blindfolds and smokes ready, cause I've got a lot of firing line fodder this week. Lets start in my league (Greensville). With Colston out I was hoping Patrick Crayton could of picked up some slack, but leave it to a Cowboy to let me down. 2 receptions for 28 yards? Should have listened to the experts and history as the Eagles usually lock this guy down pretty well. Of course when I sit him next time they meet, he'll catch rush and throw a touchdown while simultaneously tackling 9 people. In my other league, this week's death threat goes to the numba one stunna Ladainian "My toe hurts" Tomlinson. I remember leading my pee-wee football team without any toes...you know what I would have given for a jammed toe? Thats right, my lost childhood. 26 yards rushing and I really don't care how many yards receiving he attained, cause it wasn't enough to keep the Tiny Tigers at bay (Shaun's team and a hilarious name for any group of people). At least him and Kimbo just made me laugh out loud at 1am.

So on to week 3 where I face off against 4th and Schlong (Ashton) and Hurricane Ditka (Sam...and I hope you get that reference). Ashton is the bigger worry, but I got a little something waiting for him....retroactive point manipulation anyone?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Fantasy Island Week 1.

Well, well, well...look who comes crawling back.

I'm a cheap whore for fantasy sports and my favorite "use other's success to your benefit" game got started this week. Fantasy Island will be my bulletin board for the ups and downs of my fantasy football season. The big games, the injuries, the beat downs I lay upon my opponents...all shall be documented most Tuesdays until the end of the regular season or until my team flames out and I can't twist the knife any further.

Week 1 Synopsis:
Two wins this week bringing my overall record to 2-0...not a bad start, perhaps the best start....I 've never been good at math. However, one week does not a fantasy season make.

The Cheeseburgurlars (Shaun) and Omega Nizzle Supreme (Dirty) felt the full force of my pent up rage that had been marinating since January. The odd thing is I'll be playing Shaun and Dirty again week 2 just in different leagues.

Week 1 Savior:
I would love to pick one guy but being they were both incredible week 1 I'll have to do a co-savior award this week. Drew Brees and Donovan McNabb each had 3 TDs with over 300 yards passing, both were the leading quarterbacks in the league and fortunately they are both on my team the Wounded Duck Wobblers. Now if McNabb can stay healthy for a whole year, I won't have to keep making fun of his mom...actually...

"You just sit right there baby while mama rustles her up some of that Chunky money"-Ms. McNabb

Week 1 A fool actor:
Todd Heap tight end of the Baltimore Ravens decided to catch one ball...for 5 yards. If that isn't bad enough ...that one reception was obviously too much for him to stomach...so he coughed up the ball after being hit for a fumble. The result: negative 1.70 points. Under normal circumstances I would have already mailed a cow's heart with a knife in it to the Heap residence, but I managed to still pull off the win, so I'll keep it in the fridge for the next time Heap decides to sabotage my team/dreams.

Okay...got that ball rolling...now its time for a mid day nap. Shalom.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

2 outta 4 aint bad.

If this were baseball I would be batting .500. However, this is MMA where anything can happen...and Saturday night it did.

I had a great time hanging out and meeting John (my new and incredibly informed MMA viewing partner) at Hooters watching the fight. It wasn't nearly as bad of an atmosphere as I had anticipated, except for the chain smoker with fingernails like yellow railroad spikes next to me, that guy looses...forever. Great night of fights and I went 50% on predictions (Hendo and Franklin). The highlight of the night by far was Rashad Evans tweaking his nipples before the fight started...and to a lesser extent when he chin checked Chuck Lidell. Lidell was the heavy favorite, but I could have sworn Rashad had killed the man with that punch. Seriously, I've seen my share of knockouts in boxing and MMA, but this was one for the ages...homeboy charged up Bad Dudes style and landed an overhand right as Chuck was going for a counter uppercut...but just too slow.

Rashad gets a title shot and Chuck enters a serious crossroads. I like Lidell and I've enjoyed seeing him hand out some nasty Memphis mouthwash to plenty of people. However, age may finally be catching up with the Iceman who had recently dominated the 205 division.

Want to see the fight in question? Check it...but if the Feds come a callin' you didn't get it from me.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

One Sentence Fight Predictions

No, this blog isn't switching over to a solely MMA sounding board. With a great line up of fights in the near future, it's just been top of mind...even though I actually have advertising work now. Funny how that works out.

UFC 88 is tonight and on a lazy Saturday I'm ready to make some picks.

For the sake of brevity I will only predict on the 4 fights that will make the broadcast and try my best to keep it to one sentence. They will air 5 fights, but with Karo "The Heat" out with a late back injury I have no idea what under-card fight will be bumped up. So without further ado...Cast ye eyes upon my opinions.

Martin Kampmann Vs. Nate Marquardt
In an effort to stop picking against the Dane, I believe his Muy Thai and serviceable ground game will frustrate Marquardt, ending in another close decision.

Dan Henderson Vs. Rousimar Palhares
Though I won't call this a slump buster for Hendo aka Powdered Toastman , he should be able to handle the BJJ expert Palhares.

Former PRIDE middle weight and light-heavy weight champion Dan "Hendo" Henderson

Dan's alter ego and Ren & Stimpy superhero Powdered Toast Man

Rich Franklin Vs. Matt Hamill

No one wants to see a deaf guy get knocked out...so I will close my eyes in the third round when Franklin makes 205 an even more interesting weight class.

Chuck Lidell vs. Rashad Evans
Wesley Snipes once said "Always bet on black", well where is Wesley now? Chuck wins via TKO.

Actually going to watch the fight tonight at the Asheville Hooters. Horrible restaurant, but I'd watch the UFC in a cage of hungry racist tigers if it's free. Might have to get some nachos though, its been awhile since I've had to run stoplights in a race for the ole bathroom buzzer beater.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Couture v. Lesnar or How Money Has Ruined My Life Again

An artist depiction of the slaying Randy Couture laid upon Tim Silvia.

If you don't know or care, Randy Couture (legitimate legend of MMA) will be facing Brock Lesnar ( 2 wins in 3 fights) for the UFC Title.

Knowing that Brock Lesnar will never take the time to come find me, I can make fun of his sternum tattoo. I wonder if he has a battle axe starting at mid spine and ending on his butt cheeks.

My mom always said: "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything...unless someone tries to pull some bullshit." Okay I added that last part, but you get where I'm going.

Really? Is our economy so bad that the UFC needs this cash grab event? Is the UFC heavyweight division so deplete of top level talent that some shitbird who almost got his leg ripped off in his first UFC fight just under a year ago, gets a shot at the title solely on name recognition? Obviously the answer to all three questions is Yes.

This is why I'm not a Dana White fan (UFC President). Yes you are giving the fans what they want, but if you listen to the crowd when a fight goes to the ground for more than 10 seconds and hear the volume of boo's and jeers, you'll notice most fans would be happy seeing two guys exchange punches on a turn based system until one dies or goes goes unconscious...then they would complain about an early stoppage. One of my favorite quotes from a dead white guy is Henry Ford's infamous blast against consumer input "If I asked my customers what they wanted, they'd have said a faster horse". As the UFC you have the responsibility to focus on the greater good of the sport not the greater pay day. Don't forget that you are the head of this MMA monster that is taking this country by storm...act accordingly. The UFC is usually good at matching fighters, but there is no explanation for this fight other than the pay-per-view dollars that it will generate. Thats business though...always a bottom line to consider.

A common question is who would you rather see fight Couture in his return to the cage and for a title. How about Fabricio Werdum or Cain Velasquez...both are actually proven and have more experience than Brock...but neither one paraded around in women's underwear on basic cable for a year, so they lose out.

I'm glad Arlovski left the UFC and that Randy will be right behind him when his 2 fight contract is up. You guys have a great product, but I'm just not feeling you on this one.

This is very reminiscent of the episode of the Simpsons when Homer becomes a boxer and ends of fighting Drederick Tatum:

Man #1: "Champ, do you feel remorse for your crime?"
Tatum: "Oh, yes. Believe me, my god, if I could turn back the clock on my mother's stair pushing, I would certainly...reconsider it."

Man #2: "Drederick, ah, what do you think of Homer Simpson?"
Tatum: "I think he's a good man. I like him. I got nothing against him, but I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children."

Man #3: "Uh, you know, they do have a mother, Champ."
Tatum: "Yes, but I would imagine she would die of grief."

Lucius Jackson (Tatum's manager): "Thank you, thank you. But the champ has no time for further queries. This parole hearing is over."