Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown


I used to get this same feeling when I was a kid. About a week before Christmas I would get ants in my pants waiting for that magical morning. The anticipation was thick enough to choke a mule. Now here I am, 26 years old and I'm able to conjure up those past emotions for what is now my own personal religious holiday....The Fantasy Football Draft!!!!! Damn, I'm a nerd and I wouldn't have it any other way. Oh the excitement of getting your sleeper pick. The anger of watching someone draft Chad Pennington in the 2nd round. I swear to you there have been moments where my mouth has literally been watering waiting for my turn to snatch a diamond that had gone unnoticed. Only to have the manager in front of me take my pick. My mouth dried up faster than a snowball on the sun as I quickly scrambled to find another choice. I'll say it again...damn I'm a nerd.

I lost my fantasy virginity back in 2002 when I was asked to take over a team in my friend Sam's league. It was a very different world back then. Emmit Smith was a Cardinal, TO was a 49er and I had a social life. The biggest difference was that I finished dead last. This is a far cry from the present as I won both leagues last year...3 if you include fantasy baseball...I'll pause for your applause and admirations.... In 2004 I got with a sick ass clique and went all out...meaning I started the Greensville league, which has become an annual battleground for people far funnier than those in Sam's league.

If I could only put those achievements down on my resumé

Interviewer: "I see here your team The Scorpion Deathcocks took the league championship in 2007...very impressive"

Me: "I owe it all to the whitest man in the NFL...Kurt Warner"

Interviewer: "How does $250,000.00 a year sound?

Me: "Sounds a little light, considering I also led the Deckster Manlees to a championship that same year. My skills at selecting players and letting fate do the rest is a highly desirable commodity any agency would love to have...I suggest you pay up or shut up"

Interviewer: "Try not to make a scene when security arrives."

This Sunday will be a good time no matter how well I draft. For I know the next 17 Sundays and Mondays (and the occasional Thursday and Saturday) will provide tears, laughs and broken dreams. Damn, I'm a nerd...a nerd with two titles to defend.

So in the words of the Nature Boy Rick Flair: "To be the got to beat the man........(chest hack) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

here have a lil "Stylin' and Profilin'"

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