A Cool Headed Letter to The Piece of Shit Who Broke into My Car

Dear Worthless Thieving Junky Asshole:


What were you thinking? What did you see in my car that made you think "Oh shit! Jackpot!"? Was it the Taco Bell wrappers or my bag of heroin? It definitely wasn't my bag of heroin, cause as everyone knows I keep my "Mexican Mud" in the tank behind the toilet. And what was up with going through my glove box and throwing the contents all over the car? Did the wet naps send you into a furious rage?

Thanks for taking all my CDs by the way. I hope you find someone who wants to buy a burned copy of Black Sabbath's Paranoid or my Shonen Knife collection. You didn't take my change or my Ipod charger, just my workout clothes and my music. Is that some sort of sign? Should I not be working out or enjoying obscure hip-hop? Nah, you just aren't very good at what you do. I'm going to go put out the word to all the local drug dealers that if they are offered Saafir's Boxcar Session in exchange for some "Racehorse Charlie" to refuse you service. Hope you can find some "Big Harry" on the east side of Baltimore, cause you are cut off over here son!


What about not even touching the American flag tie? No interest in being patriotic huh? It actually makes sense now...the stolen music...the disorganized destruction...the unwillingness to take my patriot tie...the fucking Taliban broke into my car!

Well you are probably back in your cave in AIDSganistan now, but rest assure you won't get away with this. You might have taken my music, but you left something very near and dear to your heart behind - your filthy fucking needles! Have fun shooting up that WMD, Spidah bags or Red-tops without your AIDS sticks.


Seriously: Thanks for costing me a shitload of money I don't have and causing me to miss a day of work and a chance to go to Asheville. I would say karma will catch up with you, but I'm sure your crippling addiction is punishment enough. Not saying I would mind you being attacked by herd of rabid beavers, but I'm sure you'll meet an untimely end by choking on your own vomit or tongue...God Bless.

Love,
Derek