Thursday, December 13, 2007

Top Five Drug Related Sports Stories of 2007

2007 was a great year for sports and drugs. Has there ever been a year so marred with drug scandals. Tour de France, The Olympics, MLB, NFL, MMA, NPR and the NRA all seem to be looking to the pharmaceutical industry for a little help. The following is the first installment of several "Best of '07" lists. In my opinion these were the top five sports stories involving illegal drugs. So sit back, rub on your creme and clear and get ready to get ripped.

5. RIIIICCCKKKEEYYYY Williams!!!(NFL Miami Dolphins, Running Back): I can't really explain my infatuation with Ricky Williams. I just know that when they announced he had returned to the Miami Dolphins after serving his suspension for violating the league's substance abuse policy, a small tear of joy rolled down my cheek. However all did not go well for Ricky. He had the misfortune of returning to the NFL on one of the worst teams, playing on one of the worst fields ever. Constant rain had turned Heinz Field in Pittsburg into sloppy joe meat. After fumbling early in the game a nearby defender used Ricky's pectoral muscle as a doormat. He will finish the season on injured reserve, but the bigger story will be Miami going down as possibly the worst NFL team of all time.

4. Travis Henry(NFL Denver Broncos, Running Back): Fantasy football brings out the worst in people. Long story short: Henry has violated the league's no hippy lettuce policy twice before and this season he violated the policy for a third time, which calls for a one year suspension. As a fantasy football dork and owner of Selvin Young (Henry's backup) I felt comfortable, for my foresight had provided me a much needed running back. Sure, Henry was appealing the test, but so does everyone else and they always lose. That is until I needed for a drug test to come back positive (very rare). Henry actually won his appeal, by providing a hair sample and blaming second hand smoke. I wanted to second hand smack him across his lips.

3. Sean (The Muscle Shark) Sherk (Former UFC lightweight champion): 2007 was a great year for mixed martial arts. The UFC continued to appeal to the masses while upstarts such as WEC, Strikeforce and Elite also started to gain notoriety. MMA may be the new boxing, but that doesn't always have positive connotations. After defending his title this summer, Sherk tested positive for the steroid Nandrolone, as did his opponent Hermes Franca. Since the fight his title has been stripped and will be up for grabs in January. If you go by the name "Muscle Shark" you need to be prepared to defend yourself against steroid accusations. We all need to learn from Darrell "Crack Cod" Strawberry.

2. The Mitchell Report: One report to rule them all. This week George Mitchell presented the findings of his 21 month investigation into Major League Baseball's drug culture. If you've paid attention to baseball over the last decade or so, you knew this report was gonna be bad, but damn! Roger Clemens and Andy Petite were the two major names to come out. However several names from my childhood and teenage years were in the report as well. Lenny Dykstra , Mo Vaughn, Chuck Knoblauch and even my beloved former Oriole Miguel Tejada. Excluded from the list was stolen television...errr... stolen base king Tim Raines. Hopefully talk of this report won't span over the '08 season, because some of us still really love baseball and love watching people like Ichuro Suzuki and Josh Beckett do what they do so well.

1. Barry Bonds (future DH, MLB): I got home from work a little early, sat down on my bed, fired up my labtop and turned of the television. The first thing I saw is a ball going over the wall at PetCo. Barry had finally done it....he had made the top of this list. More importantly he had just become baseball's new home run king. As Big Brother a.k.a Henry Aaron tried his best to not jump out of the Jumbotron and bludgeon Barry with a king size Oh Henry bar, I thought to myself "It's all down hill from here". If you haven't been paying attention, Barry Bonds has been accused of using flax seed oil and arthritis creme to enhance his performance. This is all well and good, but he also (allegedly) used a masking agent called antibiotic steroids. To make matters worse Barry is a black-hole. That is to say, a black asshole. I more than anyone hate to play the race card, but the venomous accusations and speculations aren't just due to the fact that Barry is a horrible teammate and a colossal jerk. Bonds made his pedestal and now he and his gargantuan head are poised to take a terrific fall, especially since he is being brought up on perjury charges. Which is a shame, because Bonds was Hall of Fame material without the home runs. Now he and many others from this era are probably looking in from the outside.

"Cheating is Winning. Lying is Noble. Controversy is Legacy"

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