Thursday, October 7, 2010

Greensville Gazette 2010 Issue #1

4 games in we are starting to figure out who are the players and who is being played. Only one team remains undefeated and only one team remains winless. Early season disappointments (Favre, Larry Fitzgerald), big injuries (Ryan Grant, Kevin Kolb) and trades (Beastman Lynch and Randy Moss) have kept the waiver wire very active. In this year’s premiere issue, we will look at how each team has fared and where they may be heading.

League of Extraordinary Dudes

Big O (3-1)Much like his namesake, Big O is equipped to deal damage to all opponents. Top tier talent at every position makes this one of the most dangerous squads in the league. Losing Vick for awhile may hurt, but he’ll keep every matchup close.

Chicken Hill Peckers (2-2)
A perfect mix of underachievers and breakout stars. The Colston Creamery has been anything but sweet, but McCoy has been a blessing. The trade for Boldin seems a lot more even after last week, but I’m still iffy at the crucial WR positions. Currently, my defense is the best in the league, which makes up for my lack of offensive production.

The Pot Jar Pickers (2-2)
Who would have thought accidently drafting Beanie Wells would have been so detrimental? Beanie is back though, so that slip-up might be negated in the coming weeks. After a slow start the former champion seems to be falling into a groove. Boasting both starting Green Bay WRs is a risky play, but I like his odds. Trading one for better options at RB wouldn’t be a bad idea though.

Dong Bags (2-2)
All P has to do is survive until bye weeks are over and keep his sideburns tight. The big question he faces is how Wes Welker will perform without Moss. The answer, ironically, may be in the form of Sidney Rice who will likely start opposite Moss in Minnesota.

Whiteshed Shufflers (1-3)
The demon of Devil’s Canyon has gotten off to a slow start. Cut by Cutler, stepped on by Sims-Walker and Larry aint as scary with no QB. The Shufflers are a proud race though and are deep at RB and TE, some savy trading can turn this ship around.

Will Reign Supreme (0-4)
The bad news: No wins and the lowest weekly point total thus far. The good news: He is heavily invested in the Dallas passing attack, which will turn around both teams’ fortunes. Donnell beats the undefeated Orakpown’ed this week and makes the playoffs. That’s my “lock of the century…of the week”.

Virginia Gentleman

OrakPown’ed (4-0)
What can I say? As far as potential goes, this is the best team in the league. Even if the injury imp gets a craving for Asian, he has the depth to compete. If you need an RB, look his way, but I really don’t know what you can trade a man who has everything.

4th & Schlong (3-1)
Could it be his year? In fantasy, the only thing that matters is points. Through 4 weeks no one has more. Palmer and the lack of a legit RB2 may hold him back against a few teams, but like always he will make the playoffs. What happens after that is anyone’s guess. Can’t sleep on the second highest scoring defense either.

The Muenchies (3-1)
Way too much in common with the Steelers. Despite the lack of Big Ben, both teams have gone 3-1 and have one of the better defenses in the league (4th in Greensville). The Big Groper comes back from his suspension soon and with strong plays at every position he can very easily make it back to the championship game.

Captain Stabbin’ (2-2)
In the course of two weeks he goes from the worst team in the league to putting up the most points in a single week. Another benefactor of the Moss trade, Team Porno Reference is now absolutely stacked at QB. The only thing I see holding him back is the lack of a lights out WR. Doesn’t hurt having a defense put up 97 points in one week though.

The Cunt Returner (1-3)
Yeah if my cunt was 1-3 and desperately needed a solid WR I’d return it also. Not saying this ship is sunk, far from it. Big Ben coming back will help WR Ward and if Eli can pull it together Steve Smith should turn all those receptions to a TD soon. My advice though: Sacrifice a chicken and bury it at Overhill Lake. This should keep the bad juju of injuries at bay.

Ballsacks (1-3)Rarely does one player’s poor performance hold an entire team back, but Eli is killing Web. The surprising play of his WRs may be hampered if Kolb can’t get the ball to Maclin, but having Randy Moss on your team means you have the potential to have monster weeks. Not the best players in the league, but can still be dangerous.

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