Thursday, May 15, 2008

Off the Wagon

Oh how the mighty have fallen. I managed to kick my Taco Bell habit years ago…and now a full relapse.

When I first went vegetarian/vegan back in high school I needed a solid option for food on the go. Burger King didn’t have a veggie burger back then. Subway had introduced the Veggie Max, but that was back before that Jared character told the public the tremendous health benefits of sucking down subs all day. Taco Bell became my opium den of choice for three reasons. 1. They have tasty bean burritos. 2. They have tasty bean burritos at .79 cents. 3. They have tasty bean burritos at .79 cents until 1 a.m., which often leads to some great people watching.

I.O. the Reader: A story about a lady of some foreign country walking up to my car during a mighty drive-thru line and asking us “Would you like to buy me something I like to drink…like chocolate milk.”

I was not alone during these times. There were always a lot of people willing to go to Taco Bell for some cheap food, but it takes a true deviant to be my wingman. I’m sure he will wish to remain anonymous and I will respect that position. I’d never drop the dime on you Matt Dinsmore of Asheville, North Carolina, you’re secret is safe with me. Much like Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Toro in Fear and Loathing Las Vegas our dependencies on our drug of choice felt more comfortable when you look across the table and see someone in as deep as you. It got to the point we were using bean burritos as currency or payback for favors…that’s right “Burrito Debt” made our modern credit crunch look like an economic sniffle. It got to the point where I was more flour, bean and mild sauce than man. After a fierce bout with a disease doctors dubbed “Burritomaine Poisoning” I was forced to cut back and eventually enter a five-year Taco Bell hiatus.

About a month ago I pulled into the Taco Bell drive-thru, like a recovering addict walking down the same street he used to score his medicine. I had convinced myself that I had broken my old ways and now it was fine if I had one burrito. After all I’m older and more responsible now, and haven’t I proved that I could control the beany beast within me? No. Over the last two weeks I’ve eaten probably 8 burritos, a shell of my former self, but still cause for concern. As I finish writing this blog post, my mind drifts into fantasy. For only 10 minutes away salvation lies…at only $1.09.


matthew said...

I really wish I could post a soundbite/clip of me mimicking the accent. It was as thick as the curdling chocolate milk that runneth from that poor woman's bugle-mouthed pant-fish.

Meghan said...

können Sie mich ein schokolade Milch kaufen, bitte?