Fantasy Island Week 1.

Well, well, well...look who comes crawling back.

I'm a cheap whore for fantasy sports and my favorite "use other's success to your benefit" game got started this week. Fantasy Island will be my bulletin board for the ups and downs of my fantasy football season. The big games, the injuries, the beat downs I lay upon my opponents...all shall be documented most Tuesdays until the end of the regular season or until my team flames out and I can't twist the knife any further.

Week 1 Synopsis:
Two wins this week bringing my overall record to 2-0...not a bad start, perhaps the best start....I 've never been good at math. However, one week does not a fantasy season make.

The Cheeseburgurlars (Shaun) and Omega Nizzle Supreme (Dirty) felt the full force of my pent up rage that had been marinating since January. The odd thing is I'll be playing Shaun and Dirty again week 2 just in different leagues.

Week 1 Savior:
I would love to pick one guy but being they were both incredible week 1 I'll have to do a co-savior award this week. Drew Brees and Donovan McNabb each had 3 TDs with over 300 yards passing, both were the leading quarterbacks in the league and fortunately they are both on my team the Wounded Duck Wobblers. Now if McNabb can stay healthy for a whole year, I won't have to keep making fun of his mom...actually...

"You just sit right there baby while mama rustles her up some of that Chunky money"-Ms. McNabb

Week 1 A fool actor:
Todd Heap tight end of the Baltimore Ravens decided to catch one ball...for 5 yards. If that isn't bad enough ...that one reception was obviously too much for him to stomach...so he coughed up the ball after being hit for a fumble. The result: negative 1.70 points. Under normal circumstances I would have already mailed a cow's heart with a knife in it to the Heap residence, but I managed to still pull off the win, so I'll keep it in the fridge for the next time Heap decides to sabotage my team/dreams.


Okay...got that ball rolling...now its time for a mid day nap. Shalom.

2 outta 4 aint bad.

If this were baseball I would be batting .500. However, this is MMA where anything can happen...and Saturday night it did.

I had a great time hanging out and meeting John (my new and incredibly informed MMA viewing partner) at Hooters watching the fight. It wasn't nearly as bad of an atmosphere as I had anticipated, except for the chain smoker with fingernails like yellow railroad spikes next to me, that guy looses...forever. Great night of fights and I went 50% on predictions (Hendo and Franklin). The highlight of the night by far was Rashad Evans tweaking his nipples before the fight started...and to a lesser extent when he chin checked Chuck Lidell. Lidell was the heavy favorite, but I could have sworn Rashad had killed the man with that punch. Seriously, I've seen my share of knockouts in boxing and MMA, but this was one for the ages...homeboy charged up Bad Dudes style and landed an overhand right as Chuck was going for a counter uppercut...but just too slow.



Rashad gets a title shot and Chuck enters a serious crossroads. I like Lidell and I've enjoyed seeing him hand out some nasty Memphis mouthwash to plenty of people. However, age may finally be catching up with the Iceman who had recently dominated the 205 division.

Want to see the fight in question? Check it...but if the Feds come a callin' you didn't get it from me.

One Sentence Fight Predictions

No, this blog isn't switching over to a solely MMA sounding board. With a great line up of fights in the near future, it's just been top of mind...even though I actually have advertising work now. Funny how that works out.

UFC 88 is tonight and on a lazy Saturday I'm ready to make some picks.

For the sake of brevity I will only predict on the 4 fights that will make the broadcast and try my best to keep it to one sentence. They will air 5 fights, but with Karo "The Heat" out with a late back injury I have no idea what under-card fight will be bumped up. So without further ado...Cast ye eyes upon my opinions.

Martin Kampmann Vs. Nate Marquardt
In an effort to stop picking against the Dane, I believe his Muy Thai and serviceable ground game will frustrate Marquardt, ending in another close decision.

Dan Henderson Vs. Rousimar Palhares
Though I won't call this a slump buster for Hendo aka Powdered Toastman , he should be able to handle the BJJ expert Palhares.

Former PRIDE middle weight and light-heavy weight champion Dan "Hendo" Henderson



Dan's alter ego and Ren & Stimpy superhero Powdered Toast Man

Rich Franklin Vs. Matt Hamill
No one wants to see a deaf guy get knocked out...so I will close my eyes in the third round when Franklin makes 205 an even more interesting weight class.

Chuck Lidell vs. Rashad Evans
Wesley Snipes once said "Always bet on black", well where is Wesley now? Chuck wins via TKO.


Actually going to watch the fight tonight at the Asheville Hooters. Horrible restaurant, but I'd watch the UFC in a cage of hungry racist tigers if it's free. Might have to get some nachos though, its been awhile since I've had to run stoplights in a race for the ole bathroom buzzer beater.

Couture v. Lesnar or How Money Has Ruined My Life Again

An artist depiction of the slaying Randy Couture laid upon Tim Silvia.

If you don't know or care, Randy Couture (legitimate legend of MMA) will be facing Brock Lesnar ( 2 wins in 3 fights) for the UFC Title.

Knowing that Brock Lesnar will never take the time to come find me, I can make fun of his sternum tattoo. I wonder if he has a battle axe starting at mid spine and ending on his butt cheeks.

My mom always said: "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything...unless someone tries to pull some bullshit." Okay I added that last part, but you get where I'm going.

Really? Is our economy so bad that the UFC needs this cash grab event? Is the UFC heavyweight division so deplete of top level talent that some shitbird who almost got his leg ripped off in his first UFC fight just under a year ago, gets a shot at the title solely on name recognition? Obviously the answer to all three questions is Yes.

This is why I'm not a Dana White fan (UFC President). Yes you are giving the fans what they want, but if you listen to the crowd when a fight goes to the ground for more than 10 seconds and hear the volume of boo's and jeers, you'll notice most fans would be happy seeing two guys exchange punches on a turn based system until one dies or goes goes unconscious...then they would complain about an early stoppage. One of my favorite quotes from a dead white guy is Henry Ford's infamous blast against consumer input "If I asked my customers what they wanted, they'd have said a faster horse". As the UFC you have the responsibility to focus on the greater good of the sport not the greater pay day. Don't forget that you are the head of this MMA monster that is taking this country by storm...act accordingly. The UFC is usually good at matching fighters, but there is no explanation for this fight other than the pay-per-view dollars that it will generate. Thats business though...always a bottom line to consider.

A common question is who would you rather see fight Couture in his return to the cage and for a title. How about Fabricio Werdum or Cain Velasquez...both are actually proven and have more experience than Brock...but neither one paraded around in women's underwear on basic cable for a year, so they lose out.

I'm glad Arlovski left the UFC and that Randy will be right behind him when his 2 fight contract is up. You guys have a great product, but I'm just not feeling you on this one.


This is very reminiscent of the episode of the Simpsons when Homer becomes a boxer and ends of fighting Drederick Tatum:

Man #1: "Champ, do you feel remorse for your crime?"
Tatum: "Oh, yes. Believe me, my god, if I could turn back the clock on my mother's stair pushing, I would certainly...reconsider it."

Man #2: "Drederick, ah, what do you think of Homer Simpson?"
Tatum: "I think he's a good man. I like him. I got nothing against him, but I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children."

Man #3: "Uh, you know, they do have a mother, Champ."
Tatum: "Yes, but I would imagine she would die of grief."

Lucius Jackson (Tatum's manager): "Thank you, thank you. But the champ has no time for further queries. This parole hearing is over."