Robots, Skulls, Squids

The only reason I'm uploading this picture...

2011-02-17T12:57:00.000-08:00

is because it is amazing.

Meeting Notes 1.13.11: I got my Mojo back.

2011-01-13T12:25:00.000-08:00

Another meeting, another chance to doodle. I never really know what I want to draw when i start and I like that. After I drew this creature's huge gut, it made me thing of Mojo, villain of the X-Men. So naturally the mechanical legs were next.

As far as our company's SEO efforts go...we are doing pretty good.

Mojo, he's single ladies.

Rae Day

2011-01-12T10:26:00.000-08:00

When I was just a lil dun and "Cuban Links" dropped, I thought that ish was straigh garbage. Word Life. Then when I got some knowledge and opened up a god's third eye and shit, thats when the truth was revealed. Since that day, Raekwon and I connect. Today is the Chef's birthday and a nigga cooked up sumfin marvelous in hell's kitchen for my mans. Peep the stills of Rae in some mad comedic poses. Whose that fool politikin' with dah chete'? Look like my man Chuck, but he aint 5% doh. Aight, C-Cipher rolling up in my plantation and shit, so I'm gonna seal this up with a peace to the Gods and the Earfs...Bong Bong!.

Who Dares to Trifle with the Mighty Mocktopus?

2010-12-30T13:51:00.000-08:00

After a bout with bacterial bloom Duh Tank! is back in order...minus two frogs, but back in order nonetheless. Big Zeb gets snared in the grip of the Mocktopus and learns who is the master of the aquarium. JOKES! He just likes to hide there.

Music: Psy/Opsogist - "Christ, Castro and Candy"

Bill Watterson's Early Work

2010-12-10T07:41:00.000-08:00

A great illustration by Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes). Too bad he couldn't keep people from using his creation for dumb shit.

Check Out More of Bill's Work From the Late 70's

And Tweeeeeiiiinnnnsss

2010-12-02T20:43:00.000-08:00

Starting to figure out what Adobe Premiere has to offer. That split in the middle is a bitch, but I liked it for a first try. I just learned the "teleport" effect as well. If I can figure out how to use that professionally in my current position I will consider my time here very beneficial.

Greensville Gazette 2010 Issue #1

2010-10-07T11:30:00.000-07:00

4 games in we are starting to figure out who are the players and who is being played. Only one team remains undefeated and only one team remains winless. Early season disappointments (Favre, Larry Fitzgerald), big injuries (Ryan Grant, Kevin Kolb) and trades (Beastman Lynch and Randy Moss) have kept the waiver wire very active. In this year’s premiere issue, we will look at how each team has fared and where they may be heading.

League of Extraordinary Dudes

Big O (3-1)Much like his namesake, Big O is equipped to deal damage to all opponents. Top tier talent at every position makes this one of the most dangerous squads in the league. Losing Vick for awhile may hurt, but he’ll keep every matchup close.

Chicken Hill Peckers (2-2)

A perfect mix of underachievers and breakout stars. The Colston Creamery has been anything but sweet, but McCoy has been a blessing. The trade for Boldin seems a lot more even after last week, but I’m still iffy at the crucial WR positions. Currently, my defense is the best in the league, which makes up for my lack of offensive production.

The Pot Jar Pickers (2-2)

Who would have thought accidently drafting Beanie Wells would have been so detrimental? Beanie is back though, so that slip-up might be negated in the coming weeks. After a slow start the former champion seems to be falling into a groove. Boasting both starting Green Bay WRs is a risky play, but I like his odds. Trading one for better options at RB wouldn’t be a bad idea though.

Dong Bags (2-2)

All P has to do is survive until bye weeks are over and keep his sideburns tight. The big question he faces is how Wes Welker will perform without Moss. The answer, ironically, may be in the form of Sidney Rice who will likely start opposite Moss in Minnesota.

Whiteshed Shufflers (1-3)

The demon of Devil’s Canyon has gotten off to a slow start. Cut by Cutler, stepped on by Sims-Walker and Larry aint as scary with no QB. The Shufflers are a proud race though and are deep at RB and TE, some savy trading can turn this ship around.

Will Reign Supreme (0-4)
The bad news: No wins and the lowest weekly point total thus far. The good news: He is heavily invested in the Dallas passing attack, which will turn around both teams’ fortunes. Donnell beats the undefeated Orakpown’ed this week and makes the playoffs. That’s my “lock of the century…of the week”.

Virginia Gentleman

OrakPown’ed (4-0)

What can I say? As far as potential goes, this is the best team in the league. Even if the injury imp gets a craving for Asian, he has the depth to compete. If you need an RB, look his way, but I really don’t know what you can trade a man who has everything.

4th & Schlong (3-1)
Could it be his year? In fantasy, the only thing that matters is points. Through 4 weeks no one has more. Palmer and the lack of a legit RB2 may hold him back against a few teams, but like always he will make the playoffs. What happens after that is anyone’s guess. Can’t sleep on the second highest scoring defense either.

The Muenchies (3-1)
Way too much in common with the Steelers. Despite the lack of Big Ben, both teams have gone 3-1 and have one of the better defenses in the league (4th in Greensville). The Big Groper comes back from his suspension soon and with strong plays at every position he can very easily make it back to the championship game.

Captain Stabbin’ (2-2)
In the course of two weeks he goes from the worst team in the league to putting up the most points in a single week. Another benefactor of the Moss trade, Team Porno Reference is now absolutely stacked at QB. The only thing I see holding him back is the lack of a lights out WR. Doesn’t hurt having a defense put up 97 points in one week though.

The Cunt Returner (1-3)

Yeah if my cunt was 1-3 and desperately needed a solid WR I’d return it also. Not saying this ship is sunk, far from it. Big Ben coming back will help WR Ward and if Eli can pull it together Steve Smith should turn all those receptions to a TD soon. My advice though: Sacrifice a chicken and bury it at Overhill Lake. This should keep the bad juju of injuries at bay.

Ballsacks (1-3)Rarely does one player’s poor performance hold an entire team back, but Eli is killing Web. The surprising play of his WRs may be hampered if Kolb can’t get the ball to Maclin, but having Randy Moss on your team means you have the potential to have monster weeks. Not the best players in the league, but can still be dangerous.

Despite President Obama's Wishes...

2010-09-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

...Joy had a birthday. I made a video for her.

REEEEMIIIIIIIXXX!!!!!

2010-09-03T06:34:00.000-07:00

Bitch, Is That a Gay Dinosaur?

2010-08-04T10:35:00.000-07:00

So my sketchbook is more or less used to take notes at work during meetings. However, while pretending to listen I can also doodle whatever comes to my mind. My latest creation...an effeminate T-Rex. To be honest, I got the idea from an episode of Kids in the Hall.

Matt McKenna's Video Resume

2010-08-03T07:42:00.000-07:00

I'd apologize for my loud dumb laugh, but it really helps the slow mo video. A full video of the beach trip is in the works...stay tuned.

Up To Our Old Tricks Again

2010-07-20T08:55:00.001-07:00

Almost time for the beach. Shaun can't wait to empty his guts out on the sand again.

JoyBots!!!

2010-05-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

I have two pals at work. Well, I have friends here, but the only two who keep me company throughout the day are Pandabot and Jihabot. Oddly enough they are gifts from my friend and ambassador of all things pleasant, Joy. I'm experimenting with my new camera and editing software so eventually something completely nonsensical would be created. Open wide.

Slaving Over a Hot Desktop

2010-05-26T07:44:00.000-07:00

They really don't pay me enough for all the work I do. These people couldn't wipe their ass without me.

The Preakness: A Balance of Booze, Horses and the Sun

2010-05-17T06:58:00.000-07:00

What I learned from my visit to the Preakness:

1. I'm still a big fan of sundresses and the women who host them.

2. The Mug Club ($20 all-you-can-drink) is a good idea...until you risk running out of beer...then prepare for sweaty, drunk and sunburned riot.

3. Port-a-potties are still gross. My advice, do all your drinking and eating early so you don't have to use them after all the people who have been stuffing themselves with burgers, burritos and funnel cakes. If you must go, try to find a stable with an apathetic horse.

4. Collective Soul still exists...I don't know why.

5. Protect your lawn chairs with your life. Drunk guys in need of rest have a rather socialist view on seating. This guy was actually the second dude to take a spell in our chairs. Not that we minded, but when you can't even eat efficiently due to your intoxication - its probably time to call it a day.

A Cool Headed Letter to The Piece of Shit Who Broke into My Car

2010-05-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Worthless Thieving Junky Asshole:

What were you thinking? What did you see in my car that made you think "Oh shit! Jackpot!"? Was it the Taco Bell wrappers or my bag of heroin? It definitely wasn't my bag of heroin, cause as everyone knows I keep my "Mexican Mud" in the tank behind the toilet. And what was up with going through my glove box and throwing the contents all over the car? Did the wet naps send you into a furious rage?

Thanks for taking all my CDs by the way. I hope you find someone who wants to buy a burned copy of Black Sabbath's Paranoid or my Shonen Knife collection. You didn't take my change or my Ipod charger, just my workout clothes and my music. Is that some sort of sign? Should I not be working out or enjoying obscure hip-hop? Nah, you just aren't very good at what you do. I'm going to go put out the word to all the local drug dealers that if they are offered Saafir's Boxcar Session in exchange for some "Racehorse Charlie" to refuse you service. Hope you can find some "Big Harry" on the east side of Baltimore, cause you are cut off over here son!

What about not even touching the American flag tie? No interest in being patriotic huh? It actually makes sense now...the stolen music...the disorganized destruction...the unwillingness to take my patriot tie...the fucking Taliban broke into my car!

Well you are probably back in your cave in AIDSganistan now, but rest assure you won't get away with this. You might have taken my music, but you left something very near and dear to your heart behind - your filthy fucking needles! Have fun shooting up that WMD, Spidah bags or Red-tops without your AIDS sticks.

Seriously: Thanks for costing me a shitload of money I don't have and causing me to miss a day of work and a chance to go to Asheville. I would say karma will catch up with you, but I'm sure your crippling addiction is punishment enough. Not saying I would mind you being attacked by herd of rabid beavers, but I'm sure you'll meet an untimely end by choking on your own vomit or tongue...God Bless.

Love,
Derek

History of Baseball 301 (Part 2)

2010-03-12T06:39:00.000-08:00

You might often wonder why there aren't more instances of bat related violence in baseball. Especially when batters are on the business end of the 90 plus mph fastballs. One reason we don't see more baseball bat bruising and bludgeoning is the very intricate and legal art of arguing with officials.

"Jane! Get me off of this crazy thing!"

Tommy Lasorda is one hell of a manager and made the practice of invading an umpire's personal space an important element of 80's and 90's baseball. However, to find the best case of a managerial meltdown you are gonna have to venture down in both professional ability and geography. This is the story of Mississippi Braves' minor league manager Phil Wellman. Ladies and gentlemen for your viewing pleasure: The Best Baseball Meltdown of All-Time:

Notes:

In the opening seconds you'll see the respect to arguing etiquette as both the umpire and Wellman remove their hats. There is nothing worse than trying to scream down someone's throat only to be prevented by the bill of your own lid. It's downright uncouth and has resulted in numerous bruised foreheads and destroyed brims.

After pointing out the closest emergency exits and the size of a bass he had caught earlier in the day, Wellman takes the shtick of kicking dirt on home plate to the next level. Notice the attention to detail and to top it off he outlines a home plate more suitable for the umpire's vision. This is a masterpiece in the making folks.

Next he notices that 3rd base, while being a practical idea and solid hip-hop group, is also a tripping hazard and places it in shallow center field out the way.

Then he delivers the coup de grace. In an act of pure theater he takes cover and methodically creeps to the pitcher's mound in full Metal Gear Solid mode. He grabs the rosin bag and chucks it like a hand grenade at the umpire. Whose response is so stoic you know he had say "C'mon Son" or at least a "Child Please".

To top it off 2nd base makes the mistake of being an inanimate object that gets in his way, so he decides to take both 3rd and 2nd base with him. "What about 1st base?" you might say. The first rule of showmanship is to always leave them wanting more and thus Wellman makes his way to the waiting exit and thanks the crowd for their support.

Oh minor league baseball, no wonder you are synonymous with acts of amateurish non proffesionalism and have given us the term "Bush League". Just because you are a manager for baseball's version of purgatory doesn't mean you can't go out with a major league meltdown.

Hats off to you Phillip Wellman...where ever you are.

Friday Pot Luck

2010-03-04T16:41:00.000-08:00

Can you smell it my friends? The weekend is creeping up and it has been a long time since I've tried to get you fired. In the name of slacking off here are a few links that got sent my way this week that I thought others might enjoy.

A bit of the ultra violence. (Frank151)

The significance of flies, the case for Sarah Palin's whiteness and why smart is sexy are the topics that will be covered at next weekend's DC Nerd Nite. My boy Jason Keagy will be presenting so if you are in the area come on out. (DC Nerd Nite)

James "Lights Out Toney" signs with the UFC. Finally a big boxing name enters MMA, too bad he is over 40, overweight and overly gassed on his own abilities. (Cage Potato)

Ralph Nader has been right about many things over the years including the shortcomings (I'm being friendly) of the Obama administration. (Truth Dig)

IGN runs down the top 100 Comic Book Villains of all time. Great list, but I would have had Venom in the top 5. (IGN)

Jim Carey as Reagan is fantastic. Everyone else (except the guy still on SNL) is on point as well. (Funny or Die)

The hunt for gainful employment continues. (Golliblogs)

Ever find yourself just not feeling the same about your robots? Me too. (Break-Up Bots)

History of Baseball 301 (Part 1)

2010-03-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

When I was an undergraduate history major, my college actually offered a course titled "Baseball History 301". Had I not been a graduate level procrastinator I might have actually signed up before it filled up in 5 minutes.

With Opening Day just under a month away I wanted to examine some of my favorite moments in the sport. Oddly enough, none of my favorite moments involve feats of great athleticism or achieving career milestones. I really just dig the fights and drugs.

One of my favorite baseball moments was the day 26 year old Robin Ventura decided to buy a one-way ticket on the Nolan express.

Nolan Ryan (46 years old) is to baseball what Dalton is to the Double Deuce, about 3 gallons of ass whoopin' packed into a pint glass. During a Texas Rangers vs. Chicago White Sox game in 1993, Ryan hit Ventura with a 96 mph fastball. Being hit by a pitch normally awards the batter a trip to first base, unless of course they find the pitcher's mound more attractive real estate. Ventura should have chosen the former. One only needs to watch the first minute of the video to witness the extent of his error.

Robin Ventura Charges Mound Against Nolan Ryan from CoasterNick3157 on Vimeo.

Several things to note:

- At the 0:07 mark you'll notice Ventura take a second to gather his thoughts. I don't know what was going through his mind, but it should have been "Walk my ass to first base and take out my frustrations on the next elderly man I see".

- At the 0:10 mark his bullish charge becomes a regretful saunter, but it's too late, he already made his move and now young one you must learn...a snake cannot eat a dragon.

- At 0:54 you'll see what can only be described as the most homoerotic scene in MLB's history.

- When the heat starts back up around 1:45 you'll notice Bo Jackson in the thick of the tussle. Bo knows conflict resolution.

Robin Ventura isn't a bad guy and definitely not a bad baseball player. He was simply a victim of anger and impulse. You can't take away his charity work, golden gloves or all-star appearances, but his legacy will remain the guy who stepped to Nolan Ryan and got handled.

Damn I love baseball!

Rob Wooten Diss Haiku

2010-02-24T16:56:00.000-08:00

Notice anything different other than the fact that I'm back to posting on a regular basis? Yep, your boy got a new look complete with an awesome header image courtesy Rob Wooten, but only after he dissed me on Facebook.

It was obvious he wanted social media beef, so I decided to cook it up hibachi style for him with an emasculating haiku.

Day Job

Peace to Rob Wooten
I am not good at dissing
Thanks for the header

Someone just got 5-7-5'd straight to the guts.

A Decade Ago...

2010-02-15T12:40:00.000-08:00

Billy a.k.a Nuthead's car sploded on the way to Scribble Jam 2000. Matt refuses to keep his shirt on.

While cleaning up the apartment the other day I came across an old photo album. Inside is a compilation of moments from my early 20's. Most of the pictures came from going to Scribble Jam in Cincinnati in 2000 and 2001. Here are a couple pics that reminded me of what it was like to have virtually no worries.

Erica and I: This was obviously before I got tattooed and grew armpit hair. I don't think I've ever seen my sister smile so big.

Billy's (Nuthead) car being towed en route to Scribble Jam 2000. You can't keep Ashland down though. We made it there, but only after Mike Hale had to rent a car.

From right to left: Mike Hale, Matt Dinsmore, Brad Douglas, Andrew (I can't remember how to spell Hognet), Billy Ennis (Nuthead) and Ryan Thompson. This was when we first got to Cincinnati and Ryan's expression pretty much sums up the journey.

Alex spinning some dude he had been e-beefing with on the Anticon message board at Scribble Jam 2001 (the last one I attended). I'm pretty sure Dose signed Alex's wife beater.

Despite our protest and the lack of an engine, Matt tries to "peel the eff out" of our backyard at our farewell party on Grace St. RVA. (Hell Block). Later that night the homeless man we let sleep in our backyard dropped this nugget on us in reference to an underage kid who got wasted and was in the process of puking on his own shoes: "He's dumb as a box of rocks...without the rocks"- Wild Bill.

Snowba Ranks or How I Learned to Stop Listening to the Voice of Reason.

2010-02-05T19:57:00.001-08:00

Friday night after realizing I wasn't going to see Avatar due to the impending blizzard, I decided to man up (which is often synonymous with dumbing up) and drove through a blizzard 60 miles south to Centreville, VA. Why? Because there is a Korean BBQ joint that I've been dieing to eat at for weeks, but more importantly I wasn't going to let the snow win this time. The last two times it has snowed I've been trapped in my apartment...not this time. I shook my fist at the heavens and was rewarded with a great weekend of braving the elements, breaking doors, eating junk food and wet socks.

Before the second act of Snowpocalypse keeps me inside my apartment to watch movies and play video games until my television taps out, allow me to recap the weekend that was.

I'm not sure how this song became my anthem over the weekend, but it just seemed to fit.

Normal driving time to Centreville from Baltimore is around 1.5 hours. The driving time when a moron decides to put his Honda Civic on 95 south during the most powerful blizzard in over 80 years is roughly around 3 hours. I've done a lot of stupid things in my life, but never anything this dangerously ignorant.

Number of vehicles I witnessed spin out: 6, including a bus right in front of me. All those hours of Mario Kart Wii paid off as I maneuvered my way around them. I should thank the Wu-Tang Clan for providing the head nodding soundtrack that pumped me up allowing me to continue this foolish journey.

Yeah this is horribly wrong, but you know how much I hate smoking.

Number of times I got stuck: 2. Once when I got back to Baltimore and once when Dave tried to carve his initials in the snow of a parking lot.

Number of vegetables/fruits eaten: I think I had a banana and I ate some grapes at the grocery store. I also made a sandwich out of waffle fries and biscuits at a Korean owned restaurant named BBQ Chicken and Beer.
Number of Sour Patch Kids eaten: Some would consider it genocide.

Movies watched

Zombieland: A good rival to Shaun of the Dead, but not as good as everyone made it out to be. Michael Cera must not have been available to play the lead role.

2012: Visually entertaining, but any movie featuring John Cusack successfully avoiding death for 3 hours is maddening.

Mean Girls: I will marry Tina Fey or die trying.

The second round of snow hasn't come crashing down yet, but I've got a Netflix account and a crippling addiction to Madden that says I'll be just fine the next few days. I did learn that if you get tired of something, you should take it upon yourself to change the situation. Will I drive through a blizzard so as to avoid being trapped inside for 3 days again? Maybe, depends on how stupid I'm feeling.

Shaun Couldn't Stay Awake

2009-12-21T13:05:00.000-08:00

While Shaun sleeps all chaos breaks loose....

Laundry Day

2009-12-20T08:03:00.000-08:00

Just unfolded some laundry and found an extra sock. Don't think its mine...

Netflix Gold: Sketch Comedies

2009-12-11T17:46:00.000-08:00

Kids in the Hall

Everyone loves SNL, The Chappelle show and MAD TV...well maybe not MAD TV. What you may have missed while you were probably constructively using your time studying or developing healthy relationships with others were a few sketch comedy shows that either were a little too off-the-wall or just simply too original and humorous to be appreciated. For your Netflix and Hulu pleasure here are 5 sketch shows that get the ole stamp of approval.

The Chris Rock Show - You are gonna have to rewind your think bone to around the year 2000, but it is Chris Rock with the advantages of being on HBO.

Kids in the Hall - There is only one reason to love Canada. Well 5 I guess.

Upright Citizens Brigade - The best sketch show you should have watched more. I understand the irony of Comedy Central constantly canceling their shows with the best talent, but pulling off UCB for Battlebots...well it just helps explain the whole Carlos Mencia debacle.

Upright Citizens Brigade

Power Marketing

www.comedycentral.com

Joke of the Day

Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games

The State - There are a lot of reasons to be upset with my parents, but none so damaging as not getting cable until after this show was canceled. Also check out Stella for more laughs.

Mr. Show - You probably know David Cross from Arrested Development or one of his comedy CDs (he is the guy who doesn't like Jesus or Republicans), but before that he and Bob Odenkirk had one hell of a show on HBO.

5 Cereals for Life

2009-10-14T15:40:00.000-07:00

Let's say your cargo ship full of milk and cereal hits an iceberg...hey it happens to everyone. You have to craft a life boat out of 5 crates of cereal to float to a deserted island. The ship is taking on water and you have to make a decision...what 5 cereals are you gonna spend an indefinite amount of time with...perhaps until your sugary death.

In no particular order here are mine:

5. Honey Nut Cheerios
Simple and sweet and you never get tired of the taste...at least I don't. I could seriously eat this stuff until I went blind. Also any cereal good enough for Omar is good enough for me. *Warning the following clip includes a naked negro, firearms, drugs, and gay dudes*

4. Frosted Flakes
Theeeeeey're Great...for diabetes. I'm pretty sure I've eaten enough Frosted Flakes in my day to clear a Nebraska sized cornfield. If I'm spending my last days eating cereal, they are going to find me face down in bowl of pink soy milk.

3. Smart Start
Can't destroy your kidneys every day while you are possibly waiting on death. Every cereal addict needs a good go to "grown up" cereal. Also you never know if a sweet lady might wash up on shore with you, better to be prepared.

2. Corn Pops
Gotta have my Pops. Not Lester (pictured below), but the cereal in the big yellow box. The only cereal I have eaten an entire box of in a day...and then bought some more the following morning.

1. Trix (or if you frequent the generics on the bottom shelf Freaky Fruits)
I gotta have my artificially flavored, overly sweetened, fruit flavored cereals. Between Fruity Pebbles, Trix and Berry Kix; I'll go with the one that damn rabbit has been after for ages.

Honorable Mention: King Vitamin, Grape Nuts, Crispix and Golden Crisps.
Untouchables: Pac-Man Cereal, Anything with raisins, Honey Bunches of Farts.

Greensville: Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back.

2009-09-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

So here we are. Back in the fields of Greensville for another fantasy football season. This year we have two new faces and some old mugs. So after week 1 let us has a look at this motley crew of dudes living through other’s achievements.

Team Jamaricana (Mckenna): Last year's champion has a decent roster, but nothing too scary.Playoffs for sure, but if Cutler doesn't perform in Chicago he is very beatable.

The Cunt Returner: Wide outs could pose problems and if Jason Campbell keeps the picks down he should have a decent year. RB's Ports and Bradshaw have to be a concern.

The Green Machine: The rookie definitely got the memo about QB's, but maybe not the one about RB's. WRs Owens and Housh are on new teams, so this machine will be hard to figure out for a couple of weeks.

BIG FACE SHANKSVILLE: Ol' Big Face might be Sad Face if his team of oldies doesn't show up. Wildcards Farve, Tomlinson will either be outstanding or awful. His defense will bail him out a few times for sure.

Chicken Hill Peckers (Me): Your’s truly once again decided to invest in QB and RB. Manning and Gore are gonna decide how far my team goes and with a little luck I’ll be in the playoff mix.

OrakPown'ed: 1st pick and wasn’t even there to choose. Doesn’t really matter though. AP and Moss are gonna be a headache for opponents, but Schaub and Collins at QB means he can be had.

Ballsacks: Matt wins the worst name competition for the fourth year in the row. A well rounded team, but Garrard at QB is a question mark. Mcnabb’s broken ribs didn’t help his situation either. Matt has to hope Megatron and Wes Welker can stay consistent enough to keep him close.

Will Reign Supreme: I hate to say it, but Dirty has the best team post draft. Rodgers and Romo could be the best QB combo by the end of the year and he has enough depth at RB to trade for better WRs. He may “beat” this year.

4th & Schlong: You can always pencil Ashton in for the playoffs, but he still needs to taste ultimate victory. Solid roster, but it’s lacking one fantasy monster. Another top tier RB or WR and this just may be the year he takes the cake.

The Muenchies: The second new face in Greensville may be in position to win both the baseball and football leagues. If he can move one of his TEs to support Brady and Orton

UFC 101 Predictions: The Kiss of Death (no tongue)

2009-08-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

The last time Silva fought at 205 he won in less than 1 minute. Condom Depot shares plummeted.

You have no idea how bad I am at picking fights. If I were a betting man I would be a much poorer man as well. That won't stop me from giving the kiss of death to the fighters of UFC 101. Enjoy my keen insights into the fight game.

Josh Neer vs. Kurt Pellegrino

Not much interest in this fight (or any fight outside of the two main event(s)), but I see Neer putting the finish on Pellegrino's UFC career. Submission Rd. 2

Kendall Grove vs. Ricard Almeida

Grove is constantly improving and has enough reach to stay away from Almeida's ground game, but I don't think that saves him. Almeida Submission Rd. 1 (triangle for sure, those long arms aren't always an advantage)

Amir Sadollah vs. Johny Hendricks

RICHMOND WHAT! If Sadollah can actually make it to the Octagon without his knee exploding or getting beamed with a D-cell battery thrown from the Philly crowd I'll be surprised. I'll be even more surprised if his long awaited post TUF debut results in a win. Too much time out of the cage. Hendricks by Decision

Anderson Silva vs. Forrest Griffin

When you game plan consists of the statement "Some body's gotta beat him, why not me?" you don't really sound like you have your opponent figured out. Despite his recent lack of aggression I'll keep picking Silva until I see someone hurt him. Silva TKO RD. 2

BJ Penn vs. Kenny Florian

"It's time to kill that master"- Kenny Florian. It's a tall order, but GSP proved you can break BJ Penn's spirit. Florian is hungry, his muay thai and grappling are vicious and his elbow are like raptor claws. Break out the fine china, because I smell some upset casserole a brewin'. I don't see BJ Penn finishing Florian, but I can see his lack of heart costing him the belt. Florian TKO Rd. 4

To recap, I humbly apologize to Neer, Almeida, Hendricks, Silva and Florian. Sorry blokes, but I had to pick someone.

Note: I hate Ashton Hart for actually going to UFC 101 in Philly.

Dusty Carville

2009-07-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

My friend Meghan recently noted that her hairless cat, Dusty (pause for immature giggles), looked like James Carville and expressed frustration for not having Photoshop. I needed no further invitation to take a crack at the idea...Cajun style.

Someone Take Photoshop Away From Me

2009-07-08T10:23:00.000-07:00

I couldn't avoid the Michael Jackson media onslaught. My apologies in advance to the Jackson family, but my hand has been guided by forces beyond your comprehension.

Joe Jackson looks like Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and you know it!

Jokes Joe, jokes. I hope I look that good when I'm a zombie with chewing gum face.

Goofing Off With Shank Nelpin

2009-07-08T09:44:00.001-07:00

You are welcome...

Comic Review: Deadpool Vs. Thuinderbolts: Magnum Opus

2009-07-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Shaun I'm putting my toes back in the waters of the comic world ever so gently. I decided to catch up by reading the comics I back in the day. Deadpool, the Merc with a Mouth, always puts a smile on my face. Humor isn't rare in comics, but Deadpool offers a unique vehicle for comedic writing. Spiderman is funny, but he is a hero. Deadpool is funny, but a merciless killer who next to impossible to kill (healing factor similar to Wolverine's). This tends to prevent any emotional concern for the character, but he brings a certain "Saturday Morning Cartoon" element to most storylines.

Magnum Opus Synopsis: So the Skrull invasion was thwarted by none other than Norman Osbourne (Formerly Green Goblin), but only with information stolen from DeadPool who in turn stole it from the Skrulls. This theft left DeadPool's street credit bruised and bank account empty. So with a genius plan (a direct assault on Osbourne's headquarters) DeadPool set out to get paid in one way or another. Enter the Thunderbolts, Osbourne's newest team of forgettable characters.

Verdict:

Storyline: In a word "decent". Any arch that involves DeadPool falling in love and courting someone trying to kill him (Black Widow 2) has some immediate appeal.

Art: Neither the DeadPool nor the Thunderbolts issues really blew me away, but the DeadPool guys (Medina, Gracia, Vlasco) had a style that was a bit more crisp.

Characters: Buy it for DeadPool, everyone else is pretty boring. Ghost, the intangible Thunderbolt, is a cool idea though.

Overall: (7/10) For a four issue $12 investment it's worth a read if you are a DeadPool fan. Otherwise you can find a better buy.

Beach Trip '09 (I swear we are all heterosexual)

2009-06-28T15:19:00.001-07:00

And I thought I wasn't going to make it to the beach this summer. You might remember that I recently went on a camping trip with the F.S.U crew (Eff S Up). Much to my surprise I came back without any injuries. The two days of illegal fireworks, fishing, stink bombs, Kirby Puckett, and swimming were exactly what I needed to kick off the Summer of '09. Here are a few pictures from the trip that I deemed appropriate for RSS. Make sure you go full screen so you can read my witty comments.

For a direct link to the Flickr Photostream, you apply pressure here.

Doink Kills It

2009-06-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

I'm a sucker for simplicity and local artist DOINK gets me every time. Check out his/her latest piece by the tracks.

A lot of new stuff up in the River Arts District that I'll have to post. Until then check out my previous post about the graffiti near my house and around town.

Pray For Me

2009-06-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

Going on my first camping trip tomorrow with the Brothers Nelson and McKenna. I figured this would be a good time to post a photo of myself if something happens to me. I really don't know what to expect the next couple of days. Will Shaun set McKenna on fire? Will Patrick get arrested with a lot lizard? Will I end up sleeping in my car, due to my total lack of camping gear? I guess we'll find out soon.

Last Known Photo:

What's up with Andrew in the background? It's like we're supposed to be at work or something. Wait a minute...

Friday Pot Luck

2009-06-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

You would think a shark would have better form on a water slide.

So the final day of work this week is here and those of us working in front of computers know that the day is already lost. So might as well start off right with some highlights from the information super highway. Enjoy.

Now I'm just waiting for a bear to ride a roller coaster. (Gizmodo)

Wanderlei Silva interview. I like Rich Franklin, but Wandy is my boy. TKO 2nd round. (Cage Potato)

Ron Paul gets all up in Obama's grill. (Huff Post)

For the love of God, put Kobe Bryant in a Knick's Jersery! (2K Sports)

Take it from the fat kid, time to start eating right folks. (Food Inc.)

My dad swam into a school of jellyfish once...once. (Discovery Earth)

A lil something for my brothers and sisters in front of the monitors today.

Joy "Joybot" "Bani" "Waffle Butt" Castro/Hart (Side A)

2009-06-07T11:28:00.000-07:00

Well I finally made it back and just in time for post 100. I never thought I'd live to see it, but here we are face to face with 100 examples of having too much time and on my hands. The "Big Hunnit" means I had to break out something special. Something out of the ordinary. Something that would shake our social structure down to its very roots. Something Cute....Something JOY!

I've known Joy for about 9 years or and I can say without hesitation that the pleasure is all hers. JOKES! I feel incredible fortunate to call Ms. Future Hart a dear friend. Out of all the chicks I know (both of them) she is definitely the funniest and most optimistic. She is one of the reasons why it took me so long to leave Richmond, as I very much miss seeing her every weekend for various adventures and visits to various foodatoriums. We stay connected by chatting online while we are both supposed to be working. Hey, how am I gonna know what she has for lunch and how Muay Thai Boxing is going unless we get paid to chat?

Also, she just happens to be on the verge of marrying my good friend, horseshoe counselor and fantasy football enemy Ashton Hart.

"Nope, I think they are all out of San-J products"

Being a skirt and all, Joy is very excited about her big day. I shot her a few questions over ICHAT and strapped myself in.

Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you: Joy Castro.

Robots, Skulls and Squids: As you work for San-J and I eat a lot, much of our day time chat involves food. Tell me what your death row meal would be.

Joy: Oh my gosh, what an awful scenario, but also a very lucky one- bc you're supposedly going to be able to eat any meal you've always wanted, ever ever.. For a long time, from grades 3-7, I thought I could live off of Stauffer's microwaveable mac n chee and a glass of whole milk. But as I grew older, I realized that ham n chee hotpockets could suffice (with the glass of whole milk).
Pizza has always been my staple comfort food, but that also shares it's place with sushi and ice cream-

I think, if I were about to get blasted off into sweet-bunny-land of sleepytime Boulevard...
I would probably go with a delicious medley of my favorite sushi/sashimi: salmon sashimi, hotate butter sushi, shrimp crunch roll, and the hot night roll. I'd probably make myself eat at least 2-3 sets of each of these rolls, for good measure.
And Ashton has a rash all over the place right now and he's standing right here in front of me with half his shorts down spanking his own butt so it'll stop itching and he'll stop scratching....
you don't have to put that in the interview.

RSS: I think I have to.

Joy: Ok, well it was the double-spank. Ummm I think yea, I'mma have to go with the sushi..
Yea, final answer!

RSS: So a farewell meal of sushi in your prison cell. You seem like a fairly straight laced lady, if the police knocked on your door and asked for you by name, what would be your first guess as to why they were on your trail?

Probably, depending on whether or not Ashton Hart was home or not- I'd suspect -- if he wasn't -- that he had gotten arrested! Or had a clumsy accident and needed me to pick him up. Or lastly, they traced that bag of money I found to my house and will most likely want it back. But by the time they'll have realized, I would have already bought a Mini Coop (White pepper color).
And the wildcard response- they're probably crooked cops, trying to dupe me into something and that's when I'll have to kick their butts Streetfighter IV style. If I lose, I'll probably grovel and cry a lot, but most likely.. best case scenario: I'll win.

RSS: But speaking of your groom to be. Your getting hitched in July. What's been your favorite part of planning a wedding? And your least favorite?

Joy: Favorite part of planning has to be the dress picking, fitting and accessory buying!
My least favorite part is definitely the guilt that comes with figuring out where all the money will come from and the fast and furious rise of those figures.. it's a shame shame shame that some vendors and just the wedding industry in general gouges people for money.

RSS: I always imagined that girls think of their wedding day like guys think this is their one chance to play a sport or make something that everyone will see. You want to come out looking your best. Is this at all accurate or is there more behind working so hard for a one time show?

Joy: Yeap, it's definitely a once in a lifetime event and, as a girl that has very high expectations and is easily disappointed, you can't help but hope for things to be perfect-- but throughout this process, I've found that it truly is a time for bonding between you and your future spouse, your parents and closest friends. For serious. I've had about 11 breakdowns since last May and have been rehab'd through each one by one, Mr. Hart. It's going to be a very special day, a very special moment- but I know that it means much more than just one perfect day. It sets the stage for the rest of my life, my happily ever after is about to begin.
(wipes away tear)
Oh you big softie!!

And exhale. While you go find the socks Joy just blew you out of, I'll prepare the conclusion of the interview for the week of her wedding.

Boy do I have a lot of pent up bloggery coming down the pipes. Stay dry.

Van Jones vs. Howard Beale

2009-04-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

Van Jones, despite his avid support of turtlenecks, is a very likable fellow. He also happens to the be the "Green Jobs Czar" for the Obama administration. Is he likable enough to counter my contempt for neck covering garments? Not even close, but that is a different topic for a different post.

It may not seem like it at first, but both these videos are trying to achieve a common goal. That goal is to, how do I say? "Light a fire under your butt." Whether you seek to reconnect with those around you to improve communities en route to improving the world. Or if you want to instigate the rebellious nature that lies within each of us. The common message is that the dark seasons of our life are only made worse by our lack of action.

Van Jones has long been an advocate for the green economy (especially in urban environments) and this is to his credit. He seems like a genuine person, with smart ideas and knows how to communicate his thoughts. When he talks about rebuilding connections and communities and restoring our faith in one another (human technology), I want to jump up like an elderly black lady in church with my eccentric hat taking flight as I scream "Amen". This is exactly the sort of emotion the world needs. However, are "Green Jobs" the cure-all for the economy and environment? In my opinion, of course not. As long as you have a scarcity based economy, you are subject to greed, trends, bubbles and breakdowns. My opinion, in this case, doesn't matter. The green movement captures the good intentions of the human spirit and that can be the catalyst for a truly radical shift in humanity.

I could go off on my problems with our monetary system and the ever growing list of what is wrong in this world, but all that serves to do is to add black to the night. It's far more important to discuss solutions and find others willing to connect with you and work towards a better future. Obama was elected because people were fed up. We can debate whether or not their passion was misdirected, but there is no arguing that the world is still full people willing to do good work.

Good will and passion are excellent fuels for progress, but angst and frustration work just as well. Howard Beale's (Peter Finch's character in the harshly realistic, yet highly prophetic film The Network) possessed rant is also solution based, although appealing to a different sentiment. He implores his audience to not let the world get worse than it already is. Beale jars them out of their shell and exposes them for becoming complacent. Jones states that this current shock to our livelihoods was necessary for people to realize how out of touch we are with one another. Beale wants you to realize that we are still living human beings capable of acting out. Whether you sing "Kumbayah" or "Fight The Power" we all agree that things should be better than this.

To Beard or Not To Beard...

2009-03-01T10:31:00.000-08:00

I miss Kids in the Hall.

Lousy Smarch weather. For someone who fancies themselves as a funnyman, my lack of timing is epic. As soon as I shave my beard, mother nature remembers it's early March and screams "In like a lion fool!" while dumping sleet and snow on my defenseless face.

This was the coldest winter I've ever experienced and I kept a beard much longer than I normally would. Asheville is full of face suits though, which made me feel like I blended in with my hairy brethren. While I was in Richmond, Chuck told me that when you are having trouble growing hair on certain parts of your faces, get a man with a beard to rub it on the spot. That's the closest my face has been to another man's since my days as one of Madonna's background dancers.

I got it in my skull to get rid of the facial hair at the end of February and bring an end to the dual realities that come with me sporting a fine mouth curtain. There were the good times. Like when girls compliment your beard. Nothing puts a strut in your gate like cute coffee shop girls commenting on your style.

Me: Large coffee to go please
Coffee Broad: Sure, you on your way to Barley's?
Me: Yeah about to get the day going I guess.
Coffee Broad: I'm liking the beard.

Yep, that's Alicia Keys riding a puppy. You think you're better than me?

Me: Really? Thanks! It's so manly and thick that I lost my lips a few days ago, can I use yours to find em'?

Didn't say that last part, but you get the idea. Beards open doors that bare faces can't.

Then there are the bad times. Like when you are walking home at night and you get mistaken for homeless...by a homeless man.

Homeless Man: Hey what's going on?
Me: Not much, howya doing?
Homeless Man: You know just trying to stay warm, you got a place to stay tonight?
Me: (Thinking that this man was about to ask to stay at my house) Uhhh...yep.
Homeless Man: Oh you got a tent or are you at the mission?

Me: I live in a house.
Homeless Man: Oh
Me: Yeah, very spacious...got more rooms than I can use. Gets a bit hot in the winter though.

Okay that last part was made up, but damn that's a new low.

On my personal beard record, I give my latest attempt a 7. It did it's job, but maybe next I'll grow a different style of beard. Thinking about giving this one a try:

I Loved You So Long: A Movie Review...for Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys

2009-02-18T10:08:00.000-08:00

I don't even remember the last French movie I saw before this one. Actually, it was probably the Triplets of Belleville; one my favorite animated movies not involving over-the-top violence or giant robots. I don't have any thing against the French. Hell, that's where Cheick Kongo is from.

(Left: UFC fighter Cheick Kongo Right: Ex felon/fight promoter/black vampire/denim wearer Don King)

I have to admit I was apprehensive about going to see this movie. The title itself oozes estrogen and if my friend Sarah didn't want to go see it I could of happily spent that Friday night doing what I usually do, namely practicing my one man play. However, I "manned up", journeyed into the land of chick flicks and was rewarded with a very intriguing story that made up for the use of a dead language and subtitles...yeah I said it.

I Loved You So Long is a film about two sisters reuniting after the oldest (Juliette) spends 15 months in prison. Lea (the younger sister) has made a nice life as a college professor, a wife and a mother of two adopted Vietnamese children. As to be expected, Juliette struggles to adapt to her new life. Even though she can't escape her past, it doesn't keep her from making new friends (mostly men). Much of the film focuses on her attempt to enter the work force as a someone who just spent over a decade behind bars. This turns out to be a great device to show how she now deals with people and the effect she has on others when they learn of her past.

The film's pace is just perfect. The manner and order of how information of the past is delivered keeps you interested. Unless you watch it with someone who likes to ask questions during movies. In that case get your nose punching shoes on, cause you are gonna need em'. The movie's plot isn't anything groundbreaking, but the acting is solid, especially from the two main characters (Elsa Zylberstein and Kristin Scott Thomas). I wish I could comment on the dialogue, but all I can really say is that it read well.

Overall, well worth the 8 clams spent. Many reviews I've found are taking away points for the ending, but I fount it profoundly appropriate. Very nifty use of a helicopter chase scene. If you can still catch this one at the Fine Arts Theatre in Asheville you should take a couple of hours out of the day to check it out. If not, throw it on your Netflix queue or wait in the Blockbuster breadline.

Asheville, Yall Niggas Crazy pt 2.

2009-02-10T17:25:00.000-08:00

So the free wall down by the railroad tracks (where I spend all my free time), got re-upped as the kids like to say. Here are a few pics from the wall and some more graffiti around Chicken Hill. If I ever run into gang members, I wonder how hard they will laugh when I'm forced to tell them I'm representing Chicken Hill and then do my gangster chicken dance.

I love FOWL's characters. My love for chickens is only rivaled by my love for squids.

I hate it when someone puts their shitty tag over a great stencil. No honor among vandals I tell yah.

Thank you.

I was looking for Anthony Kiedis, but no luck. I did manage to forget about my love though.

Isn't there something in Revelations about a baby surrounded by ghost skulls?

Two possibilities: Either the worst portrait of 2 Pac or the best of Jimmy Walker.

The handlebars and wheels are dope. I wonder how he/she prevents over spray on the spokes.

Dr. Gonzo himself. I've got a few more Apathy stencils and they are all nuts.

Well that about does it for round 2. I've got a bunch more, but with moving my sports/mma takes over to a new site, I'm going to be needing some blog fodder down the road.

UFC 94: Two Sentence Predictions.

2009-01-31T13:45:00.000-08:00

St. Pierre shows Matt Hughes the benefits of tight, tiny, "junk enhancing" shorts.

The trouble of having the fight of the year in January, is that there are still 11 months to get beat out. BJ Penn and George St Pierre face off tonight in what I feel should be the best fight in recent memory. Before we get there though, there are 4 other fights on the televised card, so without further ado...here come dem picks.

Clay Guida vs. Nate Diaz (LW):
How long before Guida goes for a take down and ends up in a guillotine? I say Round 2. Diaz submits Guida

Karo Parisyan vs. Don Hyung Kim (WW):
If Karo comes mentally ready to fight, he should be able to use his "gorilla strength" to peel the Korean banana. This one is going to the cards with Karo "The Heat" Parisyan the victor.

Stephen Bonnar vs. Jon Jones (LHW):
It's hard for me to pick Stephen "Gatekeeper" Bonnar, being he hasn't beaten anyone outside of a decision victory over Kieth Jardine. If Jones can be the first black guy in the UFC to actually show some ground defense I like his chances. Jones via KO in the 2nd.

Lyoto Machida vs. Thiago Silva (LHW):
A bout between two Brazilian undefeated fighters. Machida is on another level and he'll show why he deserves the title shot tonight. Machida via decision

BJ Penn vs George St Pierre (WW):
I love BJ Penn, but he will need a perfect performance to win this. St. Pierre puts his name in with Anderson Silva and Fedor Emelianeko as the best pound for pound fighter on the earth with a victory tonight. St. Pierre wins via TKO Round 3.

A special thanks to Julio, for if not for him I would have to be at work during these occurrences of fisticuffs.

Sean "The Muscle Shark" Sherk loses a row of teeth after being floored by Penn.

----------------------------------

The Aftermath: (Spoiler Alert)

UFC 94 in a word was "anticlimactic". All but two fights went the distance towards a decision, but they were entertaining battles. The event did set a very good foundation for the rest of the year though. Guida levels up, BJ Penn gets to go back to lightweight and get that division moving again. Jon Jones and Lyoto Machida proved why 205 is the best weight division in all of MMA and GSP just might be the best fighter anyone has ever seen. Though only one of my predictions came true, I still got 4 out of the five winners correct. The following is a breakdown of the lowdown...so now its time to get down.

Guida defeats Diaz via decision: Except for a couple of kimura attempts, Guida controlled the fight. Just goes to show that wrestling has it's place in MMA and like it or lump it fighters should learn take down defense and escapes.

Parisyan defeats Kim via decision: Just like I called it, but this one could have gone either way. Much more interested in Kim's future than Parisyan's right now, even though Karo is coming off a very significant injury.

Jones defeats Bonnar via decision: (you noticing a trend?): I'm not sure if Jones was ever really in trouble. The spinning elbow was a nice strike, but totally illegal as it landed behind Bonnar's head. Only 21 years old is Jones and he looks like another Anderson Silva in the making (sans the bjj skills).

Machida defeats Silva via KO: (finally a finish): It finally happened, Lyoto got around to knocking someone out. Silva may have landed a few punches, but was otherwise rendered ineffective due to Machida's speed and technique. Can't believe I've got to wait for Rampage Jackson to fight Jardine before we see Lyoto challenge for the title. Machida vs. Evans would be a spring/summer blockbuster fight, but you know...politics and all.

St. Pierre "works" Penn to a referee stoppage: The guy doesn't stop evolving and he may hold the belt until 2011 or so. Also, why boo Thialgo Alves? That fight is gonna be butter.

Great card on paper, but the night overall held very few surprises or notable moments. Affliction thus far has the best card of the year.

R.I.P OG Helio Grace

2009-01-29T12:08:00.001-08:00

You probably have heard of Royce Gracie, but his impact on MMA couldn't hold a candle to his father's contributions to the world of martial arts. Helio Gracie died this morning at the age of 95. 14 years after his brother and co founder of Gracie Jiu Jitsu, Carlos, passed. To put it briefly they developed a style of combat where differences in strength and athleticism were overcome by the perfection of a technique. Gracie Jiu Jitsu uses leverage to end conflicts instead of solely relying on strikes. I've never taken a single jiu jitsu class, but the proof is in the product. Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is in the tool box of any top mixed martial artists. They have Master Helio Gracie to thank.

If every senior citzen could kick my ass the way Helio could've, I wouldn't cut in line so much at Golden Corral.

The Wrestler: A Movie Long Overdue

2009-01-25T09:48:00.000-08:00

Before you go see this movie, do yourself a favor and view this list of wrestlers that have died since 1985 (The year of the first WrestleMania) before the age of 65 (average retirement age). The list doesn't just include wrestlers, but also people who played vital roles in producing this sort of entertainment (referees and managers). The list is riddled with world famous stars, young men who died in tragic accidents, classic cases of depression leading to drug abuse and men who just didn't know when to quit, or at least refused to give up the spotlight. The Wrestler follows the latter.

Considering how popular pro wrestling used to be and the success of Mick Foley's book about his career in the sport, I would have thought that a movie like The Wrestler would of been made about ten years ago. Focused on the twilight of his career, the film follows the trials and tribulations of a once famous pro wrestler Randy "The Ram" Robinson (Mickey Rourke) as he flips between retirement and further risking his health in an high impact sport. As a former avid pro wrestling fan the movie definitely found a home, but like the main character it has it's share of flaws.

Randy's path downward is like that of a washed up rock star, which in turn makes the movie predictable in some respects. You know he is going to stay on the path of self destruction, but you find yourself hoping otherwise to no avail. There's a formula at work, but it doesn't ruin the movie. The acting and pace keep your mind off the fact that there isn't much to the story you haven't heard or seen before.

Marissa Tomei's plays a stripper...I'll let that sink in, because it took me an hour after the movie to realize that I saw Marrisa Tomei shake what her mother gave her...let's just say her mother has good taste. As an aging stripper struggling to make money, her character parallels that of Randy's successfully, creating another arena he needs to find balance within.

Overall The Wrestler is a gripping film that forces the audience to share the roller coaster that is Randy's life. Though the film is mildly formulaic, it is also one of the few movies I would pay full price to see again. Also gives you something to think about next time you are channel surfing and come across today's wrestlers following the same path.

Also got to see GlenGary GlenRoss this weekend. Just got to say this may be one of the best scenes ever in any movie ever...ever! Definitely one to check out if you haven't yet.

You Know Who is Awesome...

2009-01-20T19:45:00.001-08:00

...EXILE...Thats who is awesome

Check out his new album "Radio". It's very easy on the ears. He also looks like my old friend Ben Shelton I used to go to high school with. He was really good on a bmx and built his own truck. Last time I saw him it was at Buffalo Wild Wings a few years back and he was still really nice. But yeah,...Exile...check him out.

Real Niggas Don't Wear Snuggies

2009-01-12T14:42:00.000-08:00

I went back to Richmond for the holidays and during my visit I stopped by the Nelson household to wish them a festive yuletide. Upon walking into their home I thought I may have stumbled upon some weird ritual or wizard convention. Shaun's wife Angela was wearing one of these:

That my friends is a Snuggie. The blanket you can wear around the house and that better be the only place you wear it unless you want to be permanently hugging yourself in your all white state issued Snuggie.. I laughed a lot at her fleece night gown and even dawned it myself for a second. OH the comfort!

I had yet to see the commercial for the Snuggie at that time, but when I did I remembered why I've never bought anything from an infomercial. It's always the same people overly enthralled with the product in question. Dozens of people smiling like lobotomized Wal-Mart greeters pretending to do "everyday things" made easier by way of the Slap Chop.

A good reason for this personal ban is that I'm not a rich man. I won't lie, when I saw the ads for the Shamwow and Magic Putty I gave serious thought towards breaking my oath to not buy into products that can't make their way to an actual bricks and mortar store. If Target choses to stock a cookie shaped cookie jar instead of your product then you really need to step your game up.

My favorite infomercial product of all time would be a commemorative plate of anything. From Obama to Operation Desert Storm to the television series Good Times, people must have the need to show their support through their fine china. Personally I'm waiting for the Oakridge Boys commemorative plate series.

Hey check it out...I made a comic strip. Click to enlarge:

Pigeon Forge: The Ressurection

2009-01-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

Forgive me for staying on this topic too long, but here is one photo that I wanted to post.

This is what happens when Asians and blacks team up to eat pancakes. Bears get effed up on the real. Look at Dave scurry up that tree!

Pigeon Forge: The Dead Blog

2009-01-04T19:20:00.000-08:00

Updating on my 18 hour vacation to Dollywood, I regret to inform you that I was only able to take one picture during my visit.

On my way back, we stopped at Flapjack's Pancake Cabin. I didn't eat a scale model cabin made out of pancakes, but I did eat a lot of blueberries and drink a lot of coffee. Unable to purchase batteries for my digital camera (Tennessee law prohibits the sale of batteries to black people on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays) I started to feel bad that I didn't have any souvenirs of my time in Pigeon Forge excluding the harmonica I bought at the gas station. So while we ate I snapped this picture of Captain Lou Albano's lesser known brother, Ensign Phil Albano, from under the table.

Thus caps my trip to Pigeon Forge/Dollywood/Gatlinburg, Tennessee. If I learned anything from this trip, it is that I need to keep doing new things. Even if that means driving two hours to a tourist trap so shameless that it would make Graceland blush.

Here's to you Cpt. Lou...wherever you are.

Cyndi Lauper Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
by astre

Pigeon Forge, Tennessee: Live Blog

2009-01-02T19:38:00.000-08:00

Where the hell am I?

What the hell is this place?

Who moved Myrtle Beach to the mountains?

Where can I find a "Can't Touch This: Myrtle Beach, South Carolina" t-shirt besides my father's dresser?

I'm in Pigeon Forge....not to be confused with Pigeon Ford.

So Dave came into town on his way to chill with his cousins at this log cabin in Sevierville, TN and I decided I would take my 18 hours off from work to do something new. My biggest regret is that I didn't buy any batteries for my camera before I left. Not only is this the home of Dollywood...

...but it's also the home of outlet shopping and all-you-can-eat buffets (that's not a fat joke). It's like I woke up in BF Mangino's heaven...

...(okay that was a fat joke). You can also play a round of mini-golf on a go-kart track while eating your body weight in pancakes here in Pigeon Forge. I have my heart set on a trip to Flap Jack's Pancake Cabin in the morning. If it's anything like I'm expecting I should be devouring a scale model cabin constructed entirely out of pancakes in mere hours.

On the way here I got stink-eyed from some guy at the gas station and then I ate a very mediocre sandwich at the Atlanta Bread Company, which I assume is Ted Turner's attempt at a Panera.

I think I'll stick with Panera where they don't build your hopes up for some good ol' potato soup only to tell you "We're all out of bread bowls". If you introduce the option of turning my dishes into food...don't take it away from me in the blink of an eye...my heart can't take the torture.

Any way...back to Pigeon Forge.

Where the hell am I?

I will try my damndest to get some pictures on the way out tomorrow.

Greensville Weekly: The Championship Edition

2008-12-27T15:22:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a break from my christmas goodies fueled diabetic coma to breakdown the championship game in Greensville. Just think...a week from now I'm going to need to find addition blog fodder.

Championship

(1) Bill's Corn Pads vs. (3) The Cunt Returner
Greensville has seen it's share of beginner luck, but I don't foresee a Cunt being returned to the green room. One thing that you should keep an eye on is that Bill is starting Darren Sproles over the likes of Sammy Morris this week. That little tweak is going to make this game a bit more interesting. If Philip Rivers doesn't save his bacon again this week, it's gonna be a silver and not the gold for the default rookie of the year. I think Bill takes home Greensville gold this year in a hard fought championship game.

I somehow weaseled my way back into the finals of Sam's league. If I manage to win that league back to back I might need to sit down and reorganize my priorities. There is a lot of luck in fantasy football, but there is a ton more nerdery. To quote Jim Rome "Playing fantasy football isn't a problem, but winning means you are a loser". Yes...a loser with another gold trophy in his Yahoo! case. BOOOOSH!

An Eye Towards UFC 2009.

2008-12-20T16:15:00.000-08:00

A week away from what should be the best fight card of 2008; I considered writing about and predicting the outcomes of UFC 92. However, a man of vision like myself must not be afraid to look ahead into the future and beyond. So I put the UFC 92 entry on the back burner and decided to write about some of the guys that I think will have a breakout year in the UFC '09.

Lightweight
Kenny "Ken Flo" Florian-
The feared grappler turned striking machine had a phenomenal 2008 beating the likes of Joe Lauzon, Roger Huerta and Joe Stevenson all in convincing fashion. The only thing missing was the shot at the title, which has been put on hold due to the BJ Penn/ George St. Pierre showdown going down in January. Penn is going to be a great test for Kenny, who should be able to hold his own on the ground and standing. Florian has an incredibly balanced attack and should be considered just as dangerous as GSP in the promotion's most stacked division.

Welterweight
Thiago Alves-
One of the most notable fighters from American Top Team in Florida; Thiago's 2008 run was very similar to that of Kenny Florian's. He simply dismantled Matt Hughes, when a flying knee knocked the holy ghost out of crazy Christian and then went on to make Josh Koscheck regret taking a fight on such short notice later in the year. Also similar to Florian he is waiting for the outcome of the Penn/ St. Pierre for his title shot. Alves' Muy Thai skills will give GSP a run for his money and even if he loses out, I'm looking forward to his match with Diego Sanchez.

Middleweight
Demian Maia-
Proof that a submission artist can find success in the UFC. His fight with Jason MacDonald was one of my favorites of the year as each countered and reversed submission attempts leaving Maia the winner by rear-naked choke. Maybe the fight with mma blog whipping boy Caleb Starnes left Nate Quarry a little too confident, because Maia had their fight won within in the first minute. Middleweight champion Anderson Silva may be out of reach for the moment as he eyes retirement and bigger challenges, but Maia should use 2009 to make his case as one of the best fighters in the weight class.

Light Heavyweight
Lyoto Machida-
Lyoto's defensive point karate style rarely finishes fights, but when guys like Rich Franklin and Brandon Vera openly avoid him you know the potential for a superstar exist. The guy refuses to trade punches with you, but that doesn't mean you won't be huffing his feet, knees and fist when you fight him...ask Tito. His next opponent, Thiago Silva, shares a record of 13-0 but doesn't have the hit list of Lyoto (BJ Penn, Sokodoju, Franklin, Ortiz). Even when he challenges for the title in 2009, people will still insist that he can't finish and lacks KO power. They may be right, but he just keeps winning.

Heavyweight
Brock Lesnar-
As much as I hate it, Brock is here to stay. The UFC baptized him in fire by pitting him against veterans in his first 3 fights. The wins over Couture (hey I spelled that right on the first try) and Heath Herring overshadow his loss to Frank Mir. Who amongst us has never been caught in an ankle lock? Smart money says he will be fight Big Nog for the title mid 2009, but even if he ends up with a Mir rematch it's going to be an interesting year for the real life end boss. His strength alone is scary, but combine that with his freakish speed and ability to straight up slaughter opponents pinned under him and you have a recipe for the centerpiece of UFC's heavyweight division.

People I'm watching outside the UFC

Shinya Aoki-
The panted submission artist from Japan is set to fight New Year's Eve under the Dream card, which I consider to be on par with the UFC. This guy is the truth. Watching the positions he puts his body in to tap people is like watching Dhalsim in realy life. If for some reason he finds his way to the UFC in 2009 it could spell disaster for the lightweight elite.

Andrei Arlovski-
Still my favorite MMA fighter. We will find out what sort of year could be in store for Andrei early on when he fights the world's #1 heavyweight Fedor. Fedor is a machine, but does have difficulty when it comes to strikers. He has never faced anyone with feet and hands swift as Arlovski and couple that with almost a year of training with boxing legend Freddie Roach and I say this fight is more even than most propose. If Affliction folds after their "Day of Reckoning" event, then Andrei may have to consider a return to the UFC. Whether or not he will find open arms is a question.

"Play it again Andrei"

Greensville Weekly: Sad Boosh Edition

2008-12-18T11:35:00.000-08:00

DOWN GO THE WOBBLERS! DOWN GO THE WOBBLERS! As did Favre, Omega and Buck Naked. Personally I blame my inability to start a TE worth a shyte any given week. Had I started Zach Miller...this would be a completely different post. So there will be a new mayor of Greensville this year, it's just gonna take two more rounds to figure out who.

On must go the Weekly report though...no matter how much it hurts.

Round 2...FIGHT!

(1) Bill vs (5)Asian Balls:
Both teams went above the 200 mark last week and it seems that's what it's gonna take to win. This is going to be determined by WRs and D. If Bess and Breaston can out perform Bowe and Mason I like Asian Balls' chances. However, Matt's notorious hatred for Asians will probably result in several inexplicable points. Overall I give it to Dave to pull off the upset.

(2) 4th and Schlong vs (3) The Cunt Returner:
Here we go again. The battle of the kissing cousins. More appropriately you can refer to this as the Waiver Wire bowl. 4th is going with the he-man woman hater Larry Johnson as a RB2 and Cunt is taking a chance on Tavaris Jackson. I would give this one to Ashton just for not being the one starting Tavaris (he was benched for a reason). Though Favre hasn't exactly been a world beater over the last 3 weeks. Should be a close game as both teams are facing difficult defenses. At the end of the day you gotta like Ashton to go next round robin and face Asian Ballz in the Greensville Championship match.

Yeah there are two more games this week...but let's face it. This is just Yahoo giving us a reason to keep tracking our fantasy teams in hopes we see a Toyota Tundra or Old Spice commercial.

In closing...BOOSH!

Easily Pleased

2008-12-12T07:15:00.000-08:00

What can I say...its down my alley.

Greensville Awesome Fantasy Football Great Job

2008-12-10T10:55:00.000-08:00

2008 was the 5th anniversary of Greensville and by far the oddest. A strong draft really meant nothing once the season got going and no one knows that fact better than The Ghost of the Big Fish himself, Shaun "Shank" Nelson "Nelpin"

He didn't draft Tom Brady, Larry Johnson, Todd Heap or Marques Colston, but nonetheless his season fell apart faster than a Mexican house of cards (ZING!). I asked Shaun to write a guest column about his woes and he obliged.

------------------------------------------------------------

Oh where do I start? I have had such an awesome year! Lets start around when I drafted Shawn Merriman

“Naw dude, I’m cool …I can play …”

Ok that was totally my fault … he was already hurt and I was dumb for thinking he would do anything while he played with a season ending injury…also did you see that pic cus he def did some roidage!

Lets move on to another of my mistakes , Willis McGahee … this asshole cant decide if he wants to play or not before every f’n game …. and of course when I play him he doesn’t do shit …but then when I leave him out he might play a game and score 20 some odd fantasy points …I think it has a lot to do with his PIE addiction

Moving on to the next pile of shit … Chad Johnson ….sweet sweet ocho cinco …good ole happy-go-lucky 8-5 , seriously what was I thinking here this guy is a jackass. I knew I made a huge mistake when he didn’t even score me 2 pts the first week and didn’t score more than 10 pts until week 4 …but then went back to under 10 for another couple weeks …Luckily here I was able to pawn this guy off on dirty (and then he didn’t score any points or even play for that matter) not that I scored real big with Marvin Harrison …but I was winning after the trade!

"I just scored 4.80 points"

Awesome. So yeah already some big name guys are killing me when I thought I was gonna be golden this year, especially with my favorite first round pick LT ! Ohhhhhh yeah precious LT …yeah here is where I want to punch Norv in the face-

"I really am an idiot..."

Ok, I can accept LT needed some time to warm up his toes …but ‘den…but ‘den …

ANTONYO Gaytes!!!!! Yeaah … this guy has jammed me all year … he started out cold …healed up and got better and then fucked me at the worst possible time… I even kept the faith and wouldn’t trade him to dirty or derek … yeah they probly enjoyed his failure after my rejections…

He should have spent more time trying to get the ball and less time befriending small boys

So yeah I never will learn that drafting too many players on the same team isnt an awesome strategy…. Because I did it like 3 times this year

not only did I grab up LT and Tonyo ..yeah I got me some Carson ” fag-arm” Palmer (thinking he was gonna connect like a mug with Ocho) he was such a bust that I also could have unloaded earlier in the year had I been trade crazy like dirty…

I wish that hot dog was a huge black dick. (real classy Shaun)

Because of Carson’s “fag-arm” I ended up with Gus Fagotte who did ok for a back up and I cant really complain …but I also had Bernard “inconsistent” Berrrian who apparently didn’t learn to catch balls until later in the year …
Ok I am running out of steam here so let me wrap this up with a few more honors.

I definitely got jammed a couple of times by Lee Evans, who finally seemed to be stepping up and the all of a sudden he just stopped showing up...thanks Lee

PS- You can't catch the ball if you are trying to use your face.

I am impressed with my winning after the big losing streak and I did get to beat this guy

BOOOOOOOSH! (Again thanks to Shaun for making this blog a bit more high brow)

Peace I’m outta here

---------------------------------------------

well put...

Greensville Weekly: Playoffs Round 1

2008-12-09T11:17:00.000-08:00

That's right Mr. Mora...Playoffs. The most wonderful time of the year (if you make it). The time of the one and done. The last man standing eats the burrito. Both dreams and fears will be realized. Set your line-ups and hope for the best.

8 teams enter and 1 team will be declared Mayor of Greensville.

First thanks to the Bros. Nelson who just missed the playoffs by a few games. Hopefully Shaun will write a guest column about the biggest fantasy lames of 2008. Beware Carson Palmer and Antonio Gates...because the Ghost of Koko G seeks revenge.

Let's break down these match ups

(1) Bill's Corn Pads 11-3 vs (8) Favre's Fiasco 5-9

The ball bounced in Favre's direction last week, as he pulled up from his nosedive in time to make the playoffs. Now let's see if he can pull off the upset with a first round win. With Manning and Dallas Clark at Detroit he has the weapons to make it happen. Note to McKenna: Trade Dirty for an RB...he needs a QB.

(2) 4th and Schlong 9-5 vs (7) Omega Nizzle Supreme 6-8
Rematch of week 14, where Omega stole a victory Monday night thanks to DeAngelo Williams. Pay close attention to the Denver v Carolina and Tennessee v Houston games as there is where you'll find the meat of the match up. Will Brandon Marshall or Eddie Royal be the big receiver for Denver. Will Lendale White be able to carve up Houston the way DeAngelo Williams will decimate the porous Denver defense; or will Steve Slaton some how put up the 23 points Yahoo is projecting.

(3) The Cunt Returner 9-5 vs (6) Buck Naked Ballers 7-7
Flip a coin. This should be one of closest games this round with both teams being just about equal this week. The rookie of the year, Cunt Returner, is relying on Flacco as much as Buck Naked will be relying on Le'Ron McClain in a game the Ravens need. However, Pittsburgh's defense is uncanny and if Flacco can keep the turnovers to a minimum he has the edge. Buck Naked has the WR advantage with both Boldin and Fitzgerald at Minnesota in a game where the Cardinals will actually be forced to be pass happy.

(4) Wounded Duck Wobblers 8-6 vs (5) Asian Ballz 7-7
I said it before and I'll say it again...beware a Cambodian in the playoffs. Why do I feel like Steve Breaston is about to make me cry on Sunday? Unless my entire team craps out Monday's game between the Eagles and Browns will be the deciding factor. How will the Eagles attack the Browns? If they decided to stick with the ground game through Westbrook, this Duck is cooked. If McNabb throws TDs to his WRs I might be able to pull this one out.

Predicted Winners:
- Bill will prove why he has been on top Mount Drownugs almost every week and pull off a close victory.

- 4th and Schlong's Stratler and Waldorf combo...errrr... Favre and Warner (get it their old!) serve up a cold dish of revenge making Dirty hate the 2 QB system even more.

- Buck Naked takes this close one via Boldin and Fitzgerald and Joe Flacco's 180 yd 3 INT performance. How's that for a prediction?

- If I thought I would lose in the first round of the playoffs I wouldn't have even written a post half this long. Not sure how the Wobblers are gonna do it, but hey..."You Gotta Believe"

Didn't get that Stratler and Waldorf reference...well here yah go:

Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo

2008-12-05T13:28:00.000-08:00

Game recognizes game.

When I played little league basketball, the only time I ever received a technical foul was after I blocked a lay-up and gave the guy an obligatory Mutombo finger wave. I did it as a joke, but the ref didn't see it that way.

Mutombo recently opened a hospital in the Democratic Republic of Congo named after his mother Biamba Marie Mutombo. Though he did have to pay several farmers for the land, he also donated 18 million dollars towards the construction. Along with being a 4 time defensive player of the year in the NBA, Deke can speak 5 African languages, French, English, Spanish and Portuguese...although it all sounds the same when he speaks.

One of my favorite basketball players of all time.

Hip-Hop and Eggs

2008-12-04T20:20:00.000-08:00

This is my friend Jay (the Indian fellow) and his friend Juan (some gay dude). They like hip-hop and they like breakfast. I'm just glad they could create something wonderful utilizing both their passions.

hip hop & eggs_episode 2 from hip hop & eggs on Vimeo.

When Detrick and I were making the podcast we wanted to do a video element as well. Then Detrick got kicked out of his house by some gay dude (not Juan) and I moved to Asheville. You can still check out the podcast at www.laugh-tracks.blogspot.com.

The first episode of Hip-Hop and Eggs is available on the same site. Not as polished but still pretty funny.

Greensville Weekly: Regular Season Finale

2008-12-03T14:23:00.000-08:00

Well here we are. 14 weeks of moving, shaking, hoping, praying and damning comes down to this. 6 teams have locked up a playoff spot leaving just 3 teams to nab the final 2. It's like musical chairs, but instead of music there is just the faint hum of the computer and NFL Gamecast.

Week 14: Three Match-Ups that will decide the playoff field.
All 3 teams vying for the last 2 spots are facing teams who've already clinched, so we could very well see all three teams lose. However, I expect some surprises this final week. So once more with feeling!

Shaun Nelson only likes one black person.

Koko G vs. Cunt Returner
After 3 straight wins Koko has done the unthinkable and climbed up the ranks to the number 8 spot. He can stuff those wins up his balloon knot though cause he really needs a win this week as he faces the former number one team The Cunt Returner. This match-up is all about RB's. If LT and Kevin Smith can match or come close to matching Thomas Jones and Chris Johnson then I like Koko's chances. If not...then he will be relying on Favre's Fiasco to come up short...which he has been his trend recently.

Webster releases some steam after his recent losing streak

Favre vs. Buck Naked
Favre can win and still miss the playoffs. So all he can really do (along with winning) is hope for a loss by either Koko or Omega. If I were him I would be on a road trip to Minnesota in order to convince Adrian Peterson that you were sent from the future to warn him of an impending war of man vs. machine and life on earth can only be saved if he puts up 300 yards on the Lions. If that comes through then humanity and his season will be saved. I like Favre chances to win, but to make the playoffs is a different question.

Dirty is ready to shine this week.

Omega vs. 4th and Schlong
Whose the Mastah?!? Dirty may have been the only person in all of fantasy football who started D'Angelo Williams and lost last week. Omega could lose and still make the playoffs, or he could lose and Favre winning and keep him out. The bane of his existence is QBs still and that may be his downfall this week as he has to go against Brett Favre and Kurt Warner. His RBs could pull it out for him this week though so he should cross his fins and rub his lucky blow hole for good fortune.

I voted all three teams to win this week, resulting in Favre being left out of the playoffs. Which is really odd when you look at the names on his team, but unfortunately they are all names that under performed this season (looking at you Mr. Manning and Rothlesburger). So Good luck and may the best two men win for the right to lose to McKenna or Ashton week 15.

Greensville Weekly: Last Minute Edition

2008-11-30T07:54:00.000-08:00

"When the soothsayer's orb speaks of bloodshed, just pray that the blood is not yours"

From deep in the forest of Asheville, I've looked into my orb and seen the demise of 4 teams. 4-4 on Greensville upsets, including the victory of the hapless BALLS over Buck Naked Ballers last week. If my orb could just tell me when to not start players who will single handedly destroy my chances I would be in the money.

As the trade deadline came and went, I put Donovan McNabb on the block to help add depth to my once mighty RB roster. After realizing he had left his cohones back in Ashland Dirty didn't bite on the trade and look what happened. 4 TDs from McNabb after a game where he cost me a point that would have led to my victory. Just goes to show...Dirty is a woman.

Week 13 Spotlight:
With 4 playoff spots still open, its hard to figure out who is going to make it out of the 5 teams still in contention. So let's take a gander at those match-ups:

Ghost of KoKo G vs. 4th and .30
This is the week Shaun needs a win most. After winning two straight he is still in 9th place, but with a Favre loss he can survive for another week. Kevin Smith didn't help in on Thanksgiving and Ashton had great production for Kurt Warner and Lendale White Whale. So if KoKo has an ace up his sleeve now is the time to play the card.

Buck Naked vs. The McNabbless Nizzle
Both teams should make the playoffs, but this match-up is more about positioning. Buck got an early lead on Thanksgiving thanks to David Akers and Larry Fitzgerald (my favorite WR), but Dirty has some studs yet to play and this one should be close. I like Dirty to steal the "W", but both teams will clinch playoff spots by Tuesday morning.

BALLS vs. Favre's Fiasco
Fiasco indeed. Yahoo mouthpieces are benching Mike Turner this week, so I doubt the future looks bright for teammate Norwood. If Web wakes up in time to put Bush back in the lineup then he should be able to clinch a playoff spot this week...if not...He has to pull the captain hat over KoKo G's eyes Week 14 for playoff glory.

Upset Special: Asian Ballz over Bill's Corn Pads
Sure McKenna got huge games from Romo and D. Jackson, but let's face it...he is selling crack/cocaine. The fantasy gods don't look fondly on pedaling poison to school children, so I expect Dave to muster all his talent and take out the first place team this week.

As for me, the last time I face the Cunt Returner, I let loose the fury of 1000 Wobblers to the tune of 265 pts. Lets see if I can can piss Ephrim off again.

Unite the Wobblers

The Truth is that you've always had "The Juice"

2008-11-25T11:35:00.000-08:00

The holy grail for all comedy is to be relevant. Comedians and humorist are not exempt from creating insights and touching their audience on deeper and deeper levels.

George Carlin or Bill Hicks weren't the funniest people to ever take a stage, but they made the best of the time they were given on the soapbox. The old equation of Comedy = Tragedy + Time, means that you have to realize the power of shifting an audience's moods and focus. Both Carlin and Hicks were masters of taking complicated matters like war, politics and religion and breaking them down to a level that makes you think "Of course, why hadn't I noticed that". Their genius is based in the fact that they made you laugh at a collective ignorance or something you might be aware of, but had never been able to pin in down in your head.

My friend Dave and I (both graduates of an advertising program) recently decided to create and try to pitch an idea for a television show based on an advertising agency. Neither of us has the money or resources to really get this idea off the ground, but I've come to the realization that money is a poor excuse not to give something a go. After all we both have stable families and degrees to fall back on if we don't succeed. My wish is to not make a show based solely on a cast of dynamic characters coming together to make funny ads, but rather highlight advertising's effects on society using humor.

Advertising is an attempt to sway your choices one way or the other. The science of persuasion meets the art of production. While watching Zeitgeist today (at work)...it finishes with a fantastic Bill Hicks bit/spoken word piece. It deals with the idea that all your life boils down to is choice. You have to be very careful when someone or something tries to influence you...especially when there is money to be made or fear can be created. At the end of the day you are left with consequences of the choices you make...and those choices are the biggest factor on how you will experience this ride.

Greensville Weekly: Early Playoff Edition

2008-11-22T14:10:00.000-08:00

Probably the most awkward photoshop job I've ever done.

Last week's upset special did not disappoint. Shaun, Dirty and Web all won their games Which is bitter sweet being I had to play Dirty, who benefited from 3 of my players contributing less than a point. That takes effort.

With teams 7,8,9 winning no one else clinched a playoff spot leaving 4 vacancies. 3 weeks to sort it out, so we'll see what goes down.

Shyte to Watch This Week

Wobblers vs. 4th and Schlong:
The rivalry continues. Without Earnest Graham or Steven Jackson I have to start Warrick Dunn. Who along with Antonio Bryant should piss off Ashton (Buccaneers fan) all day long as his favorite reality team wins, but his fantasy team loses. 2nd round Playoff preview perhaps.

The Ghost of Koko G vs. Omega Nizzle:
Shaun vs. Dirty for a potential playoff spot. This is on the real for real. Dirty needs a win to survive and Shaun needs the win to stay in the hunt. Weeks ago Dirty traded top receivers Jennings and M. Harrison for the outspoken duo of Joey Eugene Porter and Chad Johnson. After acquiring Chad Johnson, Dirty forgot to check to see if he is actually going to play...which he didn't. So Shaun goes from an 11 point underdog to a player up. I look for the smooth grooves of Harrison and Jennings to haunt Dirty into a tighter spot this week.

Upset Special: Balls over Buck Naked. Talk about your long shots. Balls has just one win on the year, which is probably his last year in Greensville. However, he did finally take Schaub out of his line-up and the easy wins are now officially over. I don't think Buck's WRs Fitzgerald and Boldin are going to continue their massacre of opposing secondaries this week against the Giants and unless Jason Campbell takes advantage of one of the worst pass defenses in the league, this could make the playoff picture even more muddled than it is currently.

Goodnight Mr. Graham, thanks for a very productive season. See you next year's draft.

He Done Come Up (The Life and Times of Donnell Wright)

2008-11-18T18:55:00.000-08:00

I first met Dirty (Donnell aka Dorful aka Dornilious Fog aka MC Forehead) back when I was about 10 years old playing flag football for the Ashland Vikings. Since my weight was well ahead of my height during this stage of my development I was assigned a role on the offensive line. We in the business call it the O-line...you in the public call it the a bunch of fat guys trying to stop another bunch of fat guys. I don't recall what position Dirty played, though I do remember him having a well manicured beard back then. We won most of our games and went to the playoffs, but I don't recall if we won the championship. By the end of the season came around I was too busy talking to NFL scouts and posing for the "Husky" section in the JC Penny catalog. I do remember receiving a trophy, which later melted after sitting outside too long. Leaving the figure to appear as if it were stricken with a wicked case of the rickets and spine bifida.

But anyway back to Dirty.

I remember my cousins Chico and Reece not liking Donnell and some other black guy in middle school. One day while walking through the hall I passed Donnell and said other black guy. Dirty declared: "There go their cousin right there."

To which I replied "...".

You see, it was a middle school attended by 4oo kids...about 315 of those kids were related to me. All the fame that goes along with being on a successful flag football team had long since faded and I was used to not being referred to by name at this point.

I don't remember interacting with Dirty again until I was about to graduate high school. As part of a secret plan to win the trust of the white man, Dirty and I met again through some mutual "friends". Dirty was even in the band "The Bodegas" until his endless womanizing and drug abuse caused the band to split. He then became a regular face at parties..in the white shed...and even in fantasy leagues.

And now he is an internet sensation. You can put his name in the same conversation as Tay Zonday and Eli Porter. All do to one picture being posted on www.digg.com. Although one would think dropping Ian Kinsler from your fantasy baseball team would garner more attention.

Excellent form. Eyes closed, elbows in and boobs standing strong.

That picture was taken at Patrick's bachelor party. So was this.

McKenna got that gator so wasted.

Eat up the fame Dirty. Eat it like a warm bowl of oatmeal on a frigid winter morn. Take it from a Has Been flag football player like myself...it goes away all too quickly.

Consider this post a toast to Dirty. Friend, Mammal, Fellow Niner Faithful and Blow-up Doll Captain. When the revolution comes may the white man tremble before you! (Those of the white race please disregard that last line.)

Greensville Weekly: The Upset Special!

2008-11-14T10:33:00.000-08:00

SPROINK!!

Whoooooooaaa Doctah! It has happened, the first playoff spots have been claimed.

The Cunt Returner: 8-2

1st place, yet 5th in points. Suspect, but as long has his team stays hot he should finish out on top.

4th & Schlong: 7-3

I hate Kurt Warner.

Wounded Duck Wobblers: 7-3

Though I still regret not taking Wes Welker from the Cunt Returner, I'm more concerned by the fact that I just had to pick up the hated Juilus Jones being E. Graham and S Jax are breakinGdown just in time for the playoffs. I hate it when Dave is right.

Bill's Corn Pads: 7-3

With bye weeks out of the way, ole Wild Bill should run up the score faster than Carlton on PCP.

Week 11: The Week of the Upset

Favre over The Cunt Returner:

At the end of the day I like Favre's matchups much better than The Returner's. QBS Manning and Ryan should prove to be deadly against the 1st place Cunts.

Omega Nizzle over Yours Truly:

If my QB's don't show up Dirty can easily take me out this week. Santana Moss and Brandon Marshall should be 20 points a piece easy.

Big Fish over Buck Naked:

If for some reason Seattle can stop the Arizona's pass attack (big if) then the playing field is in favor of the Mekong Delta Catfish. You gotta believe.

With the ranks 5-10 all being within a game of each other, there should still be some suprises to come down. 4 spots left should be an interesting home stretch.

Greensville Weekly: Week 8

2008-11-08T20:11:00.000-08:00

I got knocked out this week. But at least it took till week 8 to finally lose twice in one week. Overall record now 12-6.

The Cunt Returner busted me down a peg to the #3 position by defeating the juggernaut of the league. Another big win came from Favre's Freakshow who stays locked in the playoffs with a win over Big Fish. Some minor rank switches, but other than that, a low scoring ho-hum week in Greensville.

We have 5 more weeks before the playoffs start, let's take a gander at the 7-8-9 spots which are all on shaky ground. I would discuss the number 10 spot but it looks like you can stick a fork in P for the season unless something crazy goes down.

7. Omega Nizzle Supreme: 3-6
Made a good trade when he got Greg Jennings for Matt Forte, but neither player has been themselves since the trade. Omega's only match-up against a lower rank team comes in week 12 when he plays Big Fish, which should be a game to watch if Big Fish can stay a game back. I know he is trying to move one of his backs for help at QB, TE or D which is wise move. However if he is offering others the junk he's been sending my way (See Leon Bennet and Henry Lewis for Drew Brees proposal), I don't see the move being made. The key word here is "survival". Can Dirty survive 5 more weeks and get into the playoffs? I think so, but he does play me before then so I'm not really going to be upset if he drops a game or two.

8. Favre's Fiasco: 3-6
Put up less that 180 and still got the win last week. I don't envy the rest of his schedule though as he has to play the top 2 teams in the last 5 weeks. His team reminds me of the Indianapolis Colts this season. All the name power is there, but the production isn't. Most of his fate relies on the teams that surround him. If he can win 3 out of 5 he should be set. Also look out Week 14 when he plays Big Fish. We can call it the Loser Bowl, being who ever wins that week could very likely be losing to Bill's Corn Pads or the Cunt Returner the week after.

9. Big Fish: 2-7
Shaun doesn't really control his destiny at this point, but this is fantasy football so no one does. Starting McGahee last week hurt and LT and Antonio Gates on a bye didn't help either. With that being said I like what he is working with. With the exception of Gus Ferret, he lacks any significant holes. Out of the three he has the most favorable schedule left, but he is going to have to take 4 out of 5 unless Omega or Favre collapse completely. It's gonna take some luck , but its not impossible.

Finally this is the week we get to see if Ashton can escape from the curse of Webster. Nothing like having a fantasy nemesis. I like hating Shaun in real life, so I just transfer that over the world of nerd sports.

Under My Skin

2008-11-08T12:05:00.000-08:00

I'm offended alright. As a man with 27 years of Negro experience I'm offended by being told I should feel offended by Fox News. Nader's point is clear...Is Obama going to sell-out in favor of corporations and the military industrial complex (like the hated Bush) or is he going to actually champion those who find so much faith in him. After all there was a lot of big money invested in Obama (Lehman Bros. Goldman Sacks and Citigroup to name a few). Time will show his true colors, but history is not in homeboy's favor (I didn't hear the people calling for that bail out bill...you know who was?). You know what every black person is going to call Obama if they don't see their quality of life improving? An Uncle Tom. What else should I call the first African American president if he choses policies that further the burden his people, while I watch him work happily with many of the corporations and institutions responsible for said burden.

"He didn't have to face it (Obama's authenticity) until it came out of your mouth". - Fox's fake outrage distributor

Really? Well then thank God it came out of someone's mouth. As a nation of people who don't test their leader's mettle until it's too late; what better time to start holding our leaders to the fire than now? Obama's got the "juice"...so what is he going to do with said beverage?

Leave it to mainstream media to focus on the shock phrase "Uncle Tom". He didn't even call Obama an Uncle Tom. Nader simply made the line distinct and unforgiving. Identifying two clear paths for the president elect. Ralph is going to take heat for the comment, because people will think: "Where does a white guy get off questioning a black man's authenticity"? Not aware of his Lebanese heritage. Nader's life has been dedicated to protecting the same people who put Obama in office. He has every right to ask the question, and if he hadn't said the words "Uncle Tom" the issue continues to be buried under the celebration of the nation's first minority president. Don't allow your happiness to blind you to the fact that Obama is at the end of the day a politician. His job is to represent and serve the people. If that were happening there wouldn't be such clamor for a messiah like president promoting change.

Note: Nothing like some info broad from a suspect "news outlet" declaring your career over. Though I'm glad there was enough psuedo anger to go around.

Greensville Weekly: Week 7

2008-11-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

So what did we learn from week 8?

We learned that to beat Bill's Corn Pads you gotta put up 200 points or hope Mckenna passes out after a wake and bake and forgets to set his players.

We learned that there is still plenty of fight left in the Big Fish. Even after taking my horrible advice to start Ryan Fitzpatrick over Joe Flacco, he was able to pull off the victory. Who knew Flacco would also catch a TD, but I can't figure out the Ravens this season so more power to the purple bird thunder beaks. Also doesn't hurt when 3 of your opponents best players get stymied, producing under 10 points.

We learned that in this here Greensville, you better make sure your D is straight. Buck Naked lost to The Cunt Returner by one and half point. Buck Naked also neglected to start a full roster on his defense. 2 tackles would have gotten him the win.

We learned that Omega Nizzle is a gentleman. I can appreciate one shorting his roster being your opponent is down a player, but there is no room in Greensville for fantasy chivalry. You must crush your enemies. See them driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women.

Week 9 Match Ups to Watch:

Cunt Returner vs. Bill's Resin Balls: The first thing you notice is Bill has to start two QB's who aren't Romo and Delhomme. He will be going with the serviceable Cassel and the last man standing in KC, Tyler Thigpen. Both men have horrible match ups against pretty stout defenses. This is the week where the king of the hill might succumb to the wrath of the fantasy gods...but can the Cunt Returner generate enough points without Phillip Rivers to overcome? We shall see.

Omega Dolphin Supreme vs. Favre's Fiasco: Webster needs this one bad, but its not like Omega can afford too many losses at this point. My prediction is that Webster pulls this one out to stay in the playoff hunt. Dirty has a ton of talent on both fronts, but his offense has some unsavory match ups this week. Gerald Jennings at Tennessee, Mantana Soss (hamstring injury) against Pittsburgh and Marion Barber at the South Jersey Tyrees. Great roster on WR and RB, but those shaky QBs are gonna have to show up big time to grab that "W" for Nizzle.

eek eek baby. Not aerodynamic in the least bit, but he gets his tuna.

Dimmu Borgir

2008-10-31T23:28:00.000-07:00

So Dimmu Borgir (Iceland Death Metal) played at the Orange Peel tonight and they came by Barley's (one of my jobs) to grab a bite to eat before they shoved a dead cat up a dead goat's butt on stage.

I've never tried so hard to not mess up an order in my life...I mean look at these guys.

Everyone in the kitchen enjoys the metal and I was thinking about throwing one of their albums on since I actually like two songs, but Black Sabbath was already playing so no dice. But yeah I made their food...I feel a lot more metal now.

Drinking Pizza Movie Reviews: The Rocky Horror Picture Show

2008-10-29T11:34:00.001-07:00

Got a text from Gary while at work that read: "Rocky Horror at ABC tonite". My first thought was..."Meh"...then I remembered that the rest of my week will be spent working both jobs, thereby nullifying any social life. Unless you count the people who insist on talking to me in the bathroom at Barley's. Then when I was about to go get my ticket for the show my friend Matt dropped this on me: "You are gonna hate it...trust me. It's just corny." Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but being the movie is just $3, I've never seen it and I was in desperate need to satisfy my pizza fix, I decided to take my chances.

I should preface this review by stating: I hate musicals. Outside of The Nightmare Before Christmas, I can't stand movies where the cast breaks out into song and dance. In some ways the traditions of the Taliban make good sense. Now on to the movie. If you take away the crowd interaction, which there was plenty of, I really don't see the appeal of this movie. There are funny parts and the costumes are pretty interesting. The acting was good, though I don't think I'll be able to look at Tim Curry the same again. I don't care how many beards you grow Tim, you are now cemented in my memory as the world's weirdest girlman and ladyboy. I was a bit surprised when half the audience got up to dance. I was kinda annoyed by the people constantly yelling unfunny comments at the screen...often the same thing over and over again. I was about to go into fight mode when people threw rice, toilet paper and toast around the audience, as I could use all of those in my home at the moment. The movie itself was pretty much a yawn fest that relied on the experience of being in the audience inhabited by people who think otherwise. This was my first and most likely last time watching this film. When it comes to a situation where the audience gets to talk back to the bad movie...leave it to the professionals.

Blog Pot Luck

2008-10-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

This weekend was chuck full of blog fodder. So much that I really can't decide on one topic. So with the blessing of Brevarious the god of brevity here are some stories, a couple of movie reviews and a sports take. Its like going to Golden Corral but you don't have to leave your house or deal with old people complaining about how the mashed potatoes are too difficult to chew.

Story Time: Gary and I went down to Brevard to visit Park on Friday who was house sitting for a yoga instructor/personal trainer. Gary brought his dog so we had 4 dogs in the house. Park tried as best as he could not to let the dogs get rowdy, but I wasn't trying to hear that...and boy they got rowdy alright. I think the body count is officially one chewed up blanket, two dog doo land mines indoors ( there were countless bombs on the deck outside that I somehow managed not to step in) and one destroyed pillow. Park and Gary argued over which dog to blame...not being the owner of the house or a dog, I chalked this up to a case of dogs will be dogs and continued to eat free food and enjoy the hot tub.

The real chestnut in this adventure was the next morning when we went to go eat breakfast. I'm a seasoned veteran of Ashville's stare at the black guy game, but boy did I get it hard in the sticks of Brevard. To make matters worse, while trying to traverse through spaces in between the tables of the restaurant I accidentally spilled some extremely hot coffee on an elderly white lady. Which immediately resulted in me making this face:

Most if not all of the lava landed on her jacket without her saying a word, but I apologized (without looking at her as to not let her get a decent description of my face to give to police) though I doubt she heard me. Until they left I avoided eye contact and shared awkward laughter with Gary and Park. When they left awkward laughter became loud witty remark time. I think the worst thing that could of happened is that I cost Obama a vote...which really isn't that bad.

Saturday Keller Williams played a free outside concert in downtown Asheville...so yeah...that happened. I would say the dude is overrated, but I only hear people talk about him in passing. Didn't really feel his gig, but I was also helping Matt make fun of people...which was way more entertaining.

Netflix Reviews:
Got to see two very good movies this weekend. It's hard to talk about each film without giving too much away so here is a quick rundown.

13 Tzameti: If you can survive the first 30 minutes of slow paced setup you'll be rewarded with and hour of intense thought provoking cinema. This is a French movie so I hope you can speak French or read...if not you've already wasted enough time pretending to read my blog...click here to redirect to a site that will actually make you look smarter than you are. The movie centers around a 22 year old man and his quest to support his family through odd jobs. Suspecting a big pay day he takes an invitation sent to his recently deceased employer and is quickly hurled into a very dark scenario. Think Saw, but without the bad acting, plot, ideas.
If you are in the mood for a good foreign film pick this one up. Netflix Gold for sure.

Inside Man: A 2006 Spike Lee joint with a hefty cast including Denzel Washington, Clive Owen, Willem "Skeletor" Defoe and Jodie "I feel like I should be attracted to her, but it just ain't happening" Foster. A crime drama involving a highly organized and well thought out bank robbery. All actors show up and give great performances and the movie is written just as well. If you missed this 2006 surprise then I would definitely rent this one. If you aren't a Spike Lee fan, I urge you to check it out. Shows how versatile this guy can be when he isn't on a soapbox. Netflix Silver

Sunday Seance:
Went for a run Sunday morning and came back in time to catch most of the NFL games. I'm glad I had the day off from work, being there were so many great games with awesome finishes. While my football viewing ended on a sour note by watching the 49ers rip my heart out again, I gotta say I love me some Mike Singletary. Dude is straight old school fire. His first game coaching the niners he benched JT O'Sullivan( after he couldn't find the off switch to the turnover machine) and then sent Vernon Davis' prima donna ass to the locker room early for making a fool of himself on the field. Mike Singletary was the first football player who I understood was clearly better than most who played his position. My grandfather was a Chicago Bears fan and I owned Tecmo Bowl and thus began my infatuation with Singletary. Here is a quick excerpt from Singletary's post game presser.

"It's something I told players at the beginning of the week. I will not tolerate players who think it is about them and not the team. We can't make decisions that cost the team, and then come off the sidelines and it's nonchalant. I'd rather play with 10 people and just get penalized all the way until we have to do something else. Rather than play with 11, when I know that right now, that person is not sold out to be part of the team. It's more about them, than it is the team. You can not play with them. You can not win with them. You can not coach with them, can't do it. I want winners. I want people who want to win."

When this man says that...you listen or prepare to eat your molars.

The Greensville Weekly (formerly Fantasy Island)

2008-10-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

-And BOOM goes the dynamite!-

So I decided to end the Fantasy Island idea. Just didn't really keep my attention the way I thought it might. So instead I'll move my fantasy interest into a "weekly whats up post" about the Greensville fantasy league.

As I predicted Shaun "Big Fish" Nelson's attempt to run the table in reverse (lose all his games) fell short this week, as he lacked the talent and perseverance to go all the way and lose again this week. Had Gus Frerotte shown some focus and managed to throw 8 interceptions instead of 4 Shaun would still be on the road to Greensville fame. Now he is just some chump at the bottom of the list.

In the battle of the kissing cousins 4th & Schlong snatched a victory from The Cunt Returner in a close game decided on Monday night. Sammy Morris turned out to be Ashton's saving grace this week after the Farve and Cotchery connection yielded about 9 points. Always scary when a single defensive player puts up more points than a QB and WR combined.

Dave "Asian Ballz" kept his streak alive by defeating the Buck Naked Ballers in a blowout. Though one wonders what will become of the Orientals when young master Mewelde Moore is back on the bench.

The trade of Greg Jennings for Matt Forte didn't do much for Omega Nizzle this week. Big Bill from Awesomeville hung 215 points on Dirty this week. Romo...Brady?...who needs em when you have Matt Cassel throwing 3 TDs. Also who really needs to start a full roster? Not Dirty obviously.

Oh yeah, please do holler at your boy who went to 4 straight wins on the back of Steven Jackson's 3 TD performance. Which I needed being Brees and Colston hooked up for just around 0 connections. That combo is taking much too long to develop for my patience.

Key Matchups Week 8:
4th and Balls vs. Bill's Corn Pads: The former and the current number one going head to head this week. I think 4th has this one. After all I need Bill knocked down a peg to put me at number 1.

Omega vs. Balls and Big Fish vs. Favre's Freakshow: The bottom 4 teams are trying to get into or stay in position to make the 8 team playoffs . Just so happens they are all playing each other this week. So let's see who can manage to suck the least. One more loss and Balls is pretty much out of the playoffs. Omega needs a win to stay alive as well and has a squad able to put down P for the season. I'm hoping Shaun comes storming back into the playoff picture, but that most likely won't happen if he picks up the "L" this week.

So some pretty important nerdery going down this weekend. Did I mention the winner gets a Zong autographed by Kris Burton?

Drinking Pizza Movie Reviews: Pineapple Express.

2008-10-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

Asheville Brewing Company is the local second run movie theater, which also serves pizza and beer. Great friends, great food and cheap movies. Does life get any better?

I remember talking to Shaun on AIM and linking him to the trailer for Pineapple Express. The first thing I though was "Wow, Seth Rogan is making a pothead buddy flick (why didn't the word "pothead" come up as a spelling error?)" My next thought was "Wow, this song is crazy dope" (Paper Planes by M.I.A).

I didn't catch the movie when it came out originally, but now that it's at the local second run theater, Asheville Brewing Company, I thought this would be a great time to see if this movie would be as entertaining as I thought it would be. The short answer is a solid no. Much like trying to conquer one of those softball sized jawbreakers, this movie started off sweet and inviting, but ended with the thought "This was a better idea two hours ago".

Quick Synopsis. Dale Denton (Seth Rogan) is a 25 year old marijuana addicted process server, dating an 18 year old high school student. His current dealer is Saul, an unkempt slacker with a passion for 2-2-7...wait for it.....

"OOOHHH MARY"

After receiving the sneak preview of the titular strand of ganja called "Pineapple Express", Dale witnesses the murder of a chinaman, who I assume did not take the knees of anyone in Vietnam, and is seen fleeing the scene of the crime by the killer and his accomplice Rosie "Angry Dancer" Perez. During his getaway Dale leaves a roach of the rare strand behind, allowing the killer/drug lord to figure out who the witness may be. After alerting Saul, they decide to get out of dodge before they drug lord puts the pieces together.

The Positive: The movie starts off well enough and you get settled in to a rather exciting crime comedy. The characters are all original and offer a lot of laughs. The friendship that evolves between Dale and Saul is well done, as they try to bridge the gap between dealer and user. Anyone who knows the dynamics of this particular symbiotic system will find more laughs than others. Though I couldn't imagine going on a road trip with my Robotussin dealer.

The Negative: Overall, the movie is just too ridiculous for it's own good. From what I can tell, a great deal of the dialogue is improved, but fails to shine through the poorly delivered plot. As with most comedies these days, the humor seems front loaded and 3/4ths the way through you start checking your watch waiting for the credits to roll. The violence is very Itchy and Scratchyesque, providing laughs at first then like the rest of the movie, wears out it's welcome by the end. Also, why in the world would a movie about and for potheads run almost 2 hours (Why did the word "potheads" just alert my spell check...one must be okay). You could actually feel the collective high wear off amongst those "partaking" in the audience. Must have been hell in the kitchen. I've never seen so many gummi bear pizzas eaten in one night.

Overall: Meh. ABC movies are only 3 bucks, which is about 1 and 1/2 slices of pizza. I'm still debating whether or not I should have ordered a slice and watched college football at the bar for my friends instead. If you like Seth Rogan, pick it up as a rental when it comes out. I wouldn't buy a the DVD though...just save the $20, get high and watch Cops instead...or episodes of Sanford & Son...you big dummy.

Quick List: My current Top 5 Marijuana based movies.
1. Half Baked: I'm not sure if it can be topped.
2. Friday: If you can't quote this movie...we aren't friendds.
3. Harold and Kumarr Go to White Castle: Such a surprise. Too bad the sequel was the dud bud.
4. Cheech and Chong Nice Dreams: This movie brought tears to my eyes even before I knew what ganja was...haven't seen it since though...which just ain't right.
5. Weirdsville: Know one knows about this film, but its just a great low budget film. Netflix Gold!

Wonder why I call her Rosie "Angry Dancer" Perez...view on oh curious reader and remember to fight the power!:

Fantasy Island Week 6

2008-10-16T08:13:00.000-07:00

This video pretty much summarizes my fantasy performance over the last 3 weeks. I'm the guy in the white pants...not the guy getting his jaw disintegrated.

The fantasy gods must have fell asleep this week and ignored my lapse of arrogance in last week's post. The streak reaches 7 consecutive victories in my alternative/preferred reality. This is about the time I should point out the negative correlation between my success in fantasy sports and real life.

Exhibit A: When I decided to move to Asheville, I went from 1st to fourth in fantasy baseball.

Exhibit B: 2007 was the year of fantasy Derek as I won baseball and both football leagues. Conversely, it was also the year of failure Derek as I unsuccessfully looked for work in advertising. At least I got to put three gold trophies in my Yahoo fantasy closet (pause for uncomfortable laughter turning into crying).

Exhibit C: This current streak of fantasy ass kickery fails to lift my spirits as I feel the burden of yet another dead end job crushing my dreams. Though I am enjoying my internship with Sensible City, which probably explains why I haven't been able to start Marques Colston this year.

If this must be the trend, then I'll face my destiny on both fronts. Either swim to fantasy glory while drowning 5 days of the week in the real world; or watch these monkeys bring down the gorilla and hope to catch a break.

Fantasy Savior: Drew Brees....COME ON DOWN!!!! Good lord boy you done out did yo self dis week. 320 yards and 3 tds...one being for two yards...now thats just showing off. Play on playah and you get Colston back this week. Though your success is ruining my real life, I can hack it.

Fantasy Cuts: Line em up. Benjamin Watson: 0 points, Lawyer Milloy: 1.6 points, Mike Vrabel: 1.6 pts. I appreciate what you all are trying to do for me and my future, but I simply can tolerate no more. Especially you Vrabel, you were supposed to be defensive point machine, but I guess its time to send you to the scrap heap.

One thing about fantasy football; you can avoid the injury bug no man is immune to bye weeks. So I'll be without Donovan McNabb, Roddy White and Larry Fitzgerald this week. Will I get to nine wins in a row? If so you can probably find me celebrating in the kitchen of Barley's. Man seriously...fuck that place.

Fantasy Island: Week 5

2008-10-08T09:01:00.000-07:00

Around the way they call me "Giant Killer".

In the last two weeks I played the two remaining undefeated teams in Greensville (The Cunt Returner and Bill's Corn Pads). Let's just say no one will be running the table this year. Though Bill put up a good fight with 9 touchdowns overall, my corns went unrelieved as defense proved to be my saving grace. Speaking of which... someone phone Mike Vrabel (my second pick on defense) and tell him to at least tackle an already downed opponent and maybe I can get credit for a 1/2 tackle. Don't want to drop him because he has been known to score TDs, but I don't think I can hold on much longer.

I also won in Sam's league, bringing my winning streak to 4 games and an overall record of 7-3 with the points lead in each league. I'd say I'm off to a good start and despite my lack of a QB in Sam's league I like my squads.

Instead of running down my week, I'll do something a bit different. Since we are five games in I think this is as good a time as any to review Greensville. I would do the same for Sam's league, but with 90 teams I'd have to actually buy more bandwidth.

In Current ranking order.

1. 4th & Schlong: 4-1

Still the best name in the league. You would think a team which drafted Tom Brady would be struggling, but stranger things have happend in Greensville. If Ashton can avoid the injury bug to his retirement home he calls a QB duo (Kurt Warner and Brett Farve...Warren Moon wasn't available I guess) he definitely has the scariest team in the "Ville".

2. Bill's Corn Pads: 4-1

McKenna has come a long way. From the days of drafting Kyle Boller first round, then followed by a kicker in the third he has one of the most dangerous teams in the league. If he can pick up some more talent on defense and Steve Smith comes back to life he'll be around for the playoffs.

3. The Cunt Returner: 4-1

The Rookie of the Year...by default. As a fellow victim of the now dreaded Derek Anderson pick I really don't understand how his team is doing this well (he also has the under performing Kellen Winslow). Outside of Phillip Rivers and Terrell Owens I don't see the power, but obviously he is doing something right. If the Browns turn it around though...look out.

4. Wounded Duck Wobblers: 3-2

I need to make trades...but smart trades. If I can move Earnest Graham for a solid Tight End or WR then I should be able to stay in the hunt. Though when Marques "Coldstone" Colston comes back it's gonna be lights out.

5. Buck Naked Ballers: 3-2

Last year Torrey was my nightmare, owning both Brady and Randy Moss. This year he practiced affirmative action and went with an all black QB duo (Garrard and Campbell). Has all the tools to beat anyone in Greensville (WRs: Fitzgerald, Boldin and Braylon Edwards), but those quarterbacks aren't scaring anyone.

6. Asian Ballz: 2-3

When you look at Dave's team you immediately get the feeling that this guy missed the draft. He sure did, but he is doing rather well with what Yahoo's fate machine dealt him. If he can con me into trading him Graham or Dirty into trading an RB for a QB, I like his chances to be a player down the stretch.

7. Omega Nizzle Supreme: 2-3
"I'm gonna win this league" stated Dirty in the smack talk section a couple of weeks ago. Well not with those QBs you aren't. Sure its a down year for Hasselbeck who should be better when Seattle gets healthy, but you can't play the captain going down with the ship on the S.S. Marc Bulger. Time to get your black ass in the dingy. Though his incredible depth at RB could make for a good trade down the line, just wouldn't wait too long to pull the trigger on any lingering offers.

8. Favre's Freak Show: 2-3
Could and should be a top 5 team. When Peyton remembers his last name is Manning and the Steelers find some stability in their offense I expect to see Web's team climb the ranks. Though he's gotta consider shuffling the defense up...there are about 10 guys on waivers that are better than his starters.

9. Balls: 1-4
It's never good when you have to use FaceBook to tell someone to get their roster straight. Outside of his RB duo, the entire team just screams mediocrity. Could make the playoffs though if Shaub and Aaron Rodgers get healthy and turn their teams around.

10. Rickey's Gunney Sack: 0-5
Shaun has been a victim of a crazy year in the NFL. All the names are there...even snagged LT as his first pick. Who knew the Bengals would be as bad as they are (owns both Carson Palmer and Ocho Cinco). Who knew that Willis McGahee would be splitting carries and giving up TDS all year. Who knew that Antonio Gates would go from sugar to shit over the off season. Just goes to show...all you can do is draft properly and let the players play. Good draft, but it seems that the fantasy gods have turned their back on the 1/2 of team WhiteShed.

Gotta Keep the Devil Down in the Hole.

2008-10-06T08:35:00.001-07:00

The devil and his friend were walking down a path. They spotted a man stooped over looking at an object on the ground. The man picks up the object and places it in his pocket.

The devil's friend ask: "What did he just pick up?"

The Devil replied: "It was a piece of the truth"

His friend replies: "Well, thats bad business for you"

"Not at all" the Devil replies, "I'm going to help him organize it".

-not mine, but an interesting story that says a lot about relying on other's to present you with the truth. Gotta dig for yourself these days and keep the devil down in the hole.

Fantasy Island Week 4

2008-09-30T15:53:00.000-07:00

When it rains it pours...

200 points is the magic number in the league of Greensville. Meaning if you can get to 2 hunnit, you are most likely going to win. After failing to crack the 180 mark the first 3 weeks the Wobblers came up aces with the highest score set in the league thus far. 260.80? I'm only used to seeing that number on the scale (back in my lardier days) or on my paycheck. That freakish score raised me from 8th to 5th place and 3rd in overall points.

In the other league it took a game winning field goal in overtime from Jeff Reed to get me the win, keeping me in 3rd place.

Fantasy Savior: I hate to snub Drew Brees yet again, but Laveranues Coles caught three touchdown passes without defeating my beloved Niners. However, the game is the game and I'm used to fantasy and reality allegiances colliding. Speaking of which; I wanted to put a hex on Brett Favre for almost costing me the win in Sam's league. 6 touchdown passes by an opposing player would normally call for me to break out the piano wire and get on the next train to New York to see what the core of Brett's Adam's apple looks like. Being that 3 of those TDs went to Coles, I'll keep the "Life Line" and Favre can keep his jugular another week...maybe.

Fantasy Shitbird:
Heath Miller didn't need to do much to help me win Monday night, but his 2 receptions for 8 yards effort would have spelled doom if not for Jeff Reed's leg. I've had the worst luck with tight ends this year, but if I can't rely on "Big Money" Miller, who else is out there.

Now I must get ready to take on the undefeated Bill's Corn Pads. McKenna's team named after his father's feet will pose a significant problem, but I've already taken down one giant this year. Speaking of which someone put out an A.P.B on Gheorge Mureshan.

2008 Fantasy Baseball Yearbook

2008-09-27T12:20:00.001-07:00

Well, Fart Huffers LLC had a good year but won't be repeating as champion and unless that time machine I ordered on the internet turns out to be worth the $19.99 we won't be finishing any better than 4th in baseball. Not a bad year though, we held down first place a couple times, but a slow economy, Fantasy Adam and lack of power numbers caught up with us in the second half.

To cap off this season I decided to put some good use to my time spent watching games on Stat Tracker and Yahoo Gamecast. There are a lot of funny looking people in the MLB , all of whom are far more successful in life and with ladies than I, but here is my cowardly rebuttal in the form of photos and captions.

Ramon Vazquez: Sporting a mustache only at 8 year-old girl could love.

Dioner Navarro: I'm convinced he simply moved the connector of his uni-brow to his chin. Nice save.

Houston Street: Calm down fella.

Jorge Posada: The Yahoo photographer must have fell for Jorge's infamous "pull my finger" gag before he snapped this one.

Masa Kobayashi: Masa got his team photo done at Glamor Shots and got a background of his choosing. Chain link fence...not bad, but I would have gone for the majestic waterfall.

Gabe Kapler: Voted "Whitest man in the MLB."

Jeff Baker: Skeletor called, he wants his heroin addiction back.

Adam Jones: Adam...ADAM!...Wake up or your mom isn't gonna buy the wallet size prints.

Miguel Cairo: Quick quiz: Derek is about to make a reference to which popular figure: A) Popeye. B) Mills Lane. C) Mick the trainer, from the movie Rocky or D) All of the above. See below for the answer.

Chad Bradford: You know this guy has started and ended his share of bar fights. "Fuggin A I touched your wife's ass! Keep those gums flapping and I'll be kicking yours!"

That about does it. Thanks to Shank Nelpin for helping me keep an eye out. See yah next season. Go Dodgers...unless the Brewers make the playoffs then thats my October team.

Oh yeah the answer is E) Billy Barty

Fantasy Island Week 3

2008-09-24T14:38:00.000-07:00

Fantasy Proverb #131: Play match-ups, not yourself. Meaning don't over think the situation; trust your fantasy gut and show some cohones. I, a fool, did not follow this proverb and I came away with one win and one really close loss in week 3.

While trying to decide who to start at my wide receiver/tight end position (no gay jokes) I totally ignored Laveranues Coles on my bench due to that big "Q" next to his name indicating that he was questionable to play, and it's not like he had been a world beater the first two weeks either…but the decision not to start him, even though Ashton was starting his quarterback and I could nullify some of his stats, cost me the W. Also...who names their kid Laveranues?

Just when I thought Favre would blow it for Ashton and that Michael Turner had all but single handedly crushed my team in the other league, every thing got turned on its head. Favre had to go into shootout mode against the Chargers and Michael Turner turned (get it?) out not to be enough to keep Sam ahead in points. So three weeks in I'm 3-3. I know what I need though…I need to stop the bleeding in my league and a solid receiving option until Colston comes back. In the other league I need Derek Anderson to stop wilting before my eyes like a flower separated from the soil. Especially since my back up is Chad "Short Passes only" Pennington.

Fantasy Savior: From the depths of doom Ladanian Tomlinson came thundering back with a two touchdown effort that sealed the victory for me in Sam's league. Granted Sam has the worst injury bug ever loosing Tom Brady and Marques Colston on the same team, but that was a close one.

Fantasy A Fool Actor: Oh namesake why did I draft thee. You Derek Anderson, were a sexy pick a month ago, but now I just have to wait and see if you can turn things around. How I win with your 2 TDS and 5 INTS over the first 3 weeks I do not know, but the league is so shallow on waivers I have no other choice but to start you until they install Brady "Muscle Shark" Quinn Week 5.

Noticing that my fantasy team is doing very well, Derek Anderson audibles to throw yet another interception.

Aliens vs. Predator Requiem: The Live Blog

2008-09-18T19:39:00.000-07:00

(Current Movie Time 30 minutes)

So yeah the live blog was a late idea and I've practicality missed the first half hour of the movie while tinkering with my fantasy teams. I doubt I missed any crucial plot developments, but I did catch out of the corner of my eye an alien busting out of a little kids chest. So thus far I guess I'm gonna pull for the Predators. There is also a pizza delivery guy who looks to be the main character. If this is the hero...this movie has already won me over. Wait he just let JTT (Jonathan Taylor Thomas) kick his ass in front of some broad. Not acceptable.

The Predators as I suspected are on their way. And I think one is about to kill a cop...and yep...there goes Lt. Quickkill.

(Current Movie Time 48 minutes in)

Quick update...I think the forecast calls for a slight chance of brief nudity. And Denied by JTT!...and here comes the fight...Okay Predator all of a sudden started kicking ass, be right back. The only black kid in the movie just got gutted by an alien...must have been going for endurance.

(1:00)
The battle is going full swing. The protaganists are holding out in a building of some sort while this whole thing blows over. I think the aliens are ahead on the kill count. Despite the lack of nudity this movie could be doing worse. The Army just arrived, so I think are about to get ridiculous (about to?). Uhhh......the aliens are in a hospital killing pregnant women now....seriously....wow.

(1:15)
Now we throw in a government conspiracy. I tell you the twist and turn in this movie are as unpredictable as a knock- knock joke. Protagonists are in route to Giliam's Square (sp?) where there may or may not be an evacuation aircraft waiting for them. By the way...a pregnant woman had a litter of alien puppies burst from her like a fountain of Jello. Aliens are up by a lot, maybe they aren't judging this competition on overall body count....I'll go check the abstract on Netflix.

(1:30)
I just realized that one of the aliens is an AlienPredator hybrid. This would actually be a good time to say I never saw the first Alien vs. Predator I can only hope this was explained in that movie.

(End)
Well in what was an epic dual of extraterrestrials, I think we'll have to call this one a draw. After getting a group of protagonists the good ole U.S of A just drop a bomb on the site killing aliens, predators and even a few humans to boot. I feel obligated to chant U-S-A. What a weird last scene. They show some of the predator's weaponry to an older Asian woman, who declares that our world is not ready for this technology. The reply is simply "But this isn't for our world is it Ms. Utani". So I guess some how old Asian women are going to start hunting Predators now for the third movie. If it's as half as good as this movie, you can count me in...in an iron maiden which would be complete bliss compared to watching another movie this bad.

Asheville...Yall Niggas Crazy pt. 1

2008-09-18T11:12:00.001-07:00

Asheville is a unique place. Despite the fact that the black people don't come into town at night and everyone stares much longer than necessary, I'm making myself quite comfortable here.

Currently I'm holding down a jobs at Sensible City and Barley's Taproom (gotta try the Pumpkin Ale...tis the hoobanger). Some days are really long, but I work with awesome people on both sites and they are so different that it doesn't really feel like I'm leaving one job for the other all too often.

You may have noticed the "pt. 1" on the title, so yes that does mean I'm starting another series of posts and this one has nothing to do with sports. This series is designed to show some of the cooler aspects of Asheville, along with my unique brand of humor and poor grammar.

I live in Chicken Hill, a section of town where we claim to be the craziest and have the most sex with the opposite gender. About a five minutes walk down the street is the French Broad River and a railroad track. Haven't spent too much time at the river, but I did get a chance to go take some pictures at the free wall near the tracks. Which turned out to be a good idea, being they are making way for "sustainable village" of homes. Dinslo, a long time friend and stranger odor distributor, hipped me to the wall awhile back and told me there is always fresh graffiti up. Right now it seems that the contractors want to put an end to this wall having recently dumped a bunch of gravel and dirt next to the walls, making it near impossible for the fellas around town to show their skills at this venue. It's kind of like wildlife though, you can take over their habitat, but they all don't disappear , some simply move on. I look forward to seeing more around the city.

Here are some of the flicks from the wall...Hope you enjoy.

Love me some stencils. Not too many in Richmond, but I've found several in Asheville. Great work on Obama and Hilldog. Apathy is never a good idea, but neither is voting for the lesser of two evils right?

Simple and clean is the way that your making me feel tonight. I miss playing Kingdom Hearts.

I've always preferred characters over words. I like the pumpkin more than the Stitch on the left...though you could probably figure this out by the angle of the shot.

Nifty.

I'm sure what I like more: the character or my ill placed shadow.

I was gonna write something witty about the Pringles guy, but then a housefly the size of a kaiser roll just flew in my room. Gonna have to break out the Roscoe to handle this one.

Tools of the trade I presume. Nice to know that Pabst is enjoyed by people from all walks of life. From the graffiti artist, to the gutter punks, to the people who just can't convince themselves to pay more than two dollars for a beer.

Fantasy Island: Week 2

2008-09-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

Week 2 Synapsis:
The swift hand of Karma punch me square in the jimmy this week. First, after I exhaled in relief after I dodged the week 1 injury bug, Marcus Colston aka The Colston Creamery went down with a torn thumb ligament. So my third round pick will be out about a month, but the good news is that the injury wasn't to his legs, ankles or knees. The second blow came in the form of 2 losses to the same guys I blew out week one, leaving me at an even .500 at 2-2. The fantasy gods obviously frowned upon my new blog series, but I'm used to not being in their favor...so on we go.

Week 1 Saviour:

With 2 losses there really weren't too many bright spots, but my receiving corps in the "Gay for God" league is proving to flesh out rather well. Both Greg Jennings and Larry "Jerry Rice Jr" Fitzgerald tried their best to keep me afloat. Well done boys, but this week it was an uphill battle.

Week 2 A Fool Actor:

Get the blindfolds and smokes ready, cause I've got a lot of firing line fodder this week. Lets start in my league (Greensville). With Colston out I was hoping Patrick Crayton could of picked up some slack, but leave it to a Cowboy to let me down. 2 receptions for 28 yards? Should have listened to the experts and history as the Eagles usually lock this guy down pretty well. Of course when I sit him next time they meet, he'll catch rush and throw a touchdown while simultaneously tackling 9 people. In my other league, this week's death threat goes to the numba one stunna Ladainian "My toe hurts" Tomlinson. I remember leading my pee-wee football team without any toes...you know what I would have given for a jammed toe? Thats right, my lost childhood. 26 yards rushing and I really don't care how many yards receiving he attained, cause it wasn't enough to keep the Tiny Tigers at bay (Shaun's team and a hilarious name for any group of people). At least him and Kimbo just made me laugh out loud at 1am.

So on to week 3 where I face off against 4th and Schlong (Ashton) and Hurricane Ditka (Sam...and I hope you get that reference). Ashton is the bigger worry, but I got a little something waiting for him....retroactive point manipulation anyone?

Fantasy Island Week 1.

2008-09-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well...look who comes crawling back.

I'm a cheap whore for fantasy sports and my favorite "use other's success to your benefit" game got started this week. Fantasy Island will be my bulletin board for the ups and downs of my fantasy football season. The big games, the injuries, the beat downs I lay upon my opponents...all shall be documented most Tuesdays until the end of the regular season or until my team flames out and I can't twist the knife any further.

Week 1 Synopsis:
Two wins this week bringing my overall record to 2-0...not a bad start, perhaps the best start....I 've never been good at math. However, one week does not a fantasy season make.

The Cheeseburgurlars (Shaun) and Omega Nizzle Supreme (Dirty) felt the full force of my pent up rage that had been marinating since January. The odd thing is I'll be playing Shaun and Dirty again week 2 just in different leagues.

Week 1 Savior:
I would love to pick one guy but being they were both incredible week 1 I'll have to do a co-savior award this week. Drew Brees and Donovan McNabb each had 3 TDs with over 300 yards passing, both were the leading quarterbacks in the league and fortunately they are both on my team the Wounded Duck Wobblers. Now if McNabb can stay healthy for a whole year, I won't have to keep making fun of his mom...actually...

"You just sit right there baby while mama rustles her up some of that Chunky money"-Ms. McNabb

Week 1 A fool actor:
Todd Heap tight end of the Baltimore Ravens decided to catch one ball...for 5 yards. If that isn't bad enough ...that one reception was obviously too much for him to stomach...so he coughed up the ball after being hit for a fumble. The result: negative 1.70 points. Under normal circumstances I would have already mailed a cow's heart with a knife in it to the Heap residence, but I managed to still pull off the win, so I'll keep it in the fridge for the next time Heap decides to sabotage my team/dreams.

Okay...got that ball rolling...now its time for a mid day nap. Shalom.

2 outta 4 aint bad.

2008-09-07T17:33:00.000-07:00

If this were baseball I would be batting .500. However, this is MMA where anything can happen...and Saturday night it did.

I had a great time hanging out and meeting John (my new and incredibly informed MMA viewing partner) at Hooters watching the fight. It wasn't nearly as bad of an atmosphere as I had anticipated, except for the chain smoker with fingernails like yellow railroad spikes next to me, that guy looses...forever. Great night of fights and I went 50% on predictions (Hendo and Franklin). The highlight of the night by far was Rashad Evans tweaking his nipples before the fight started...and to a lesser extent when he chin checked Chuck Lidell. Lidell was the heavy favorite, but I could have sworn Rashad had killed the man with that punch. Seriously, I've seen my share of knockouts in boxing and MMA, but this was one for the ages...homeboy charged up Bad Dudes style and landed an overhand right as Chuck was going for a counter uppercut...but just too slow.

Rashad gets a title shot and Chuck enters a serious crossroads. I like Lidell and I've enjoyed seeing him hand out some nasty Memphis mouthwash to plenty of people. However, age may finally be catching up with the Iceman who had recently dominated the 205 division.

Want to see the fight in question? Check it...but if the Feds come a callin' you didn't get it from me.

One Sentence Fight Predictions

2008-09-06T09:59:00.001-07:00

No, this blog isn't switching over to a solely MMA sounding board. With a great line up of fights in the near future, it's just been top of mind...even though I actually have advertising work now. Funny how that works out.

UFC 88 is tonight and on a lazy Saturday I'm ready to make some picks.

For the sake of brevity I will only predict on the 4 fights that will make the broadcast and try my best to keep it to one sentence. They will air 5 fights, but with Karo "The Heat" out with a late back injury I have no idea what under-card fight will be bumped up. So without further ado...Cast ye eyes upon my opinions.

Martin Kampmann Vs. Nate Marquardt
In an effort to stop picking against the Dane, I believe his Muy Thai and serviceable ground game will frustrate Marquardt, ending in another close decision.

Dan Henderson Vs. Rousimar Palhares
Though I won't call this a slump buster for Hendo aka Powdered Toastman , he should be able to handle the BJJ expert Palhares.

Former PRIDE middle weight and light-heavy weight champion Dan "Hendo" Henderson

Dan's alter ego and Ren & Stimpy superhero Powdered Toast Man

Rich Franklin Vs. Matt Hamill
No one wants to see a deaf guy get knocked out...so I will close my eyes in the third round when Franklin makes 205 an even more interesting weight class.

Chuck Lidell vs. Rashad Evans
Wesley Snipes once said "Always bet on black", well where is Wesley now? Chuck wins via TKO.

Actually going to watch the fight tonight at the Asheville Hooters. Horrible restaurant, but I'd watch the UFC in a cage of hungry racist tigers if it's free. Might have to get some nachos though, its been awhile since I've had to run stoplights in a race for the ole bathroom buzzer beater.

Couture v. Lesnar or How Money Has Ruined My Life Again

2008-09-02T21:40:00.000-07:00

An artist depiction of the slaying Randy Couture laid upon Tim Silvia.

If you don't know or care, Randy Couture (legitimate legend of MMA) will be facing Brock Lesnar ( 2 wins in 3 fights) for the UFC Title.

Knowing that Brock Lesnar will never take the time to come find me, I can make fun of his sternum tattoo. I wonder if he has a battle axe starting at mid spine and ending on his butt cheeks.

My mom always said: "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything...unless someone tries to pull some bullshit." Okay I added that last part, but you get where I'm going.

Really? Is our economy so bad that the UFC needs this cash grab event? Is the UFC heavyweight division so deplete of top level talent that some shitbird who almost got his leg ripped off in his first UFC fight just under a year ago, gets a shot at the title solely on name recognition? Obviously the answer to all three questions is Yes.

This is why I'm not a Dana White fan (UFC President). Yes you are giving the fans what they want, but if you listen to the crowd when a fight goes to the ground for more than 10 seconds and hear the volume of boo's and jeers, you'll notice most fans would be happy seeing two guys exchange punches on a turn based system until one dies or goes goes unconscious...then they would complain about an early stoppage. One of my favorite quotes from a dead white guy is Henry Ford's infamous blast against consumer input "If I asked my customers what they wanted, they'd have said a faster horse". As the UFC you have the responsibility to focus on the greater good of the sport not the greater pay day. Don't forget that you are the head of this MMA monster that is taking this country by storm...act accordingly. The UFC is usually good at matching fighters, but there is no explanation for this fight other than the pay-per-view dollars that it will generate. Thats business though...always a bottom line to consider.

A common question is who would you rather see fight Couture in his return to the cage and for a title. How about Fabricio Werdum or Cain Velasquez...both are actually proven and have more experience than Brock...but neither one paraded around in women's underwear on basic cable for a year, so they lose out.

I'm glad Arlovski left the UFC and that Randy will be right behind him when his 2 fight contract is up. You guys have a great product, but I'm just not feeling you on this one.

This is very reminiscent of the episode of the Simpsons when Homer becomes a boxer and ends of fighting Drederick Tatum:

Man #1: "Champ, do you feel remorse for your crime?"
Tatum: "Oh, yes. Believe me, my god, if I could turn back the clock on my mother's stair pushing, I would certainly...reconsider it."

Man #2: "Drederick, ah, what do you think of Homer Simpson?"
Tatum: "I think he's a good man. I like him. I got nothing against him, but I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children."

Man #3: "Uh, you know, they do have a mother, Champ."
Tatum: "Yes, but I would imagine she would die of grief."

Lucius Jackson (Tatum's manager): "Thank you, thank you. But the champ has no time for further queries. This parole hearing is over."

Welcome Back

2008-08-30T07:31:00.000-07:00

See More Deadpool Vol. 3 Various at IGN.com

I understand no one cares about my dorkyness other than me so I'll keep this short.

YES! Just as I'm trying to jump back into the world of comics, Marvel brings back one of my favorite characters. In short, Deadpool is a character in the Marvel Universe who could have been used merely as comic relief, but has taken on some large roles in various story lines. Known as the one who can break the "fourth wall". This is explained by writer Daniel Way "He is one of the few characters who knows he is in a comic and acts accordingly". Similar to Wolverine he also survived the Weapon X program and shares Wolverine's healing abilities. This is compounded by the fact that before gene treatment he was diagnosed with terminal cancer which is at constant war with his body, though the consequence of this battle is that his cells make him impervious to psychological attack, yet have grossly disfigured his appearance.

Why I love this guy:
Deadpool/The Merc with a Mouth/Dead Man Wade is a character designed to move story lines. When he is present someone has ordered a hit and he has been brought on board to make sure the plan succeeds.

The mercenary has officially died 3 times (once in a parody of Superman's death, being brought back in four different versions of himself. See Funeral for a Freak...or the movie Steel featuring Shaq O'Neal...."Kobe how does my failed movie career taste?" ).
One of my other favorite characters Thanos, tried to kill him after he found out that Death herself was infatuated with him.
His latest return coincides with the new umbrella story line that involves the entire Marvel Universe "The Secret Invasion" in which an alien race, The Skrulls, have been killing/abducting superheros and replacing them with shape shifters. This may be the first time Deadpool is used as the traditional hero...though I doubt it will come to pass as such.
Though I'm not a big Ryan Reynolds fan, he will be playing Deadpool in the upcoming Wolverine spin-off movie.

Thats all the comic book talk I can put out right now and I'm sure you stopped reading when you realized this post was indeed about a comic book character in which you have no interest. Though take this to heart...today I'm a happier man/dork.

See More Deadpool Vol. 3 Various at IGN.com

BREAKING NEWS

2008-08-27T06:03:00.000-07:00

AP resources reports that long time friend and fashion coordinator, Joy Castro, will be having pasta salad for lunch on August 27th. "It was either pasta or a veggie chicken patty" remarked Joy when asked about her dining options. "A girl is faced with plenty of decisions during the day, none more important than will I or will I not consume pasta".

Ms. Castro has been under a lot of pressure from pro veggie chicken patty supporters to give the snack more face time. Protester Cindy McChickface stated her concern: "She's forgotten about us through no fault of our own". She went on to say. "Now that she is engaged to that guy who is going to lose to Derek in week 3 of fantasy football, she has no time for us now."

The barrier between pasta and vegetarian meat substitutes continues to grow and it is speculated that if nothing is done soon by the year 2010 there will be a lunch time war between the factions. When asked for a comment on the growing tension between the food groups, Joy replied: "Panty!".

Ms. Castro is pictured here leaving a pasta salad fund raiser in 2007.

Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

2008-08-20T14:57:00.000-07:00

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!!

I used to get this same feeling when I was a kid. About a week before Christmas I would get ants in my pants waiting for that magical morning. The anticipation was thick enough to choke a mule. Now here I am, 26 years old and I'm able to conjure up those past emotions for what is now my own personal religious holiday....The Fantasy Football Draft!!!!! Damn, I'm a nerd and I wouldn't have it any other way. Oh the excitement of getting your sleeper pick. The anger of watching someone draft Chad Pennington in the 2nd round. I swear to you there have been moments where my mouth has literally been watering waiting for my turn to snatch a diamond that had gone unnoticed. Only to have the manager in front of me take my pick. My mouth dried up faster than a snowball on the sun as I quickly scrambled to find another choice. I'll say it again...damn I'm a nerd.

I lost my fantasy virginity back in 2002 when I was asked to take over a team in my friend Sam's league. It was a very different world back then. Emmit Smith was a Cardinal, TO was a 49er and I had a social life. The biggest difference was that I finished dead last. This is a far cry from the present as I won both leagues last year...3 if you include fantasy baseball...I'll pause for your applause and admirations.... In 2004 I got with a sick ass clique and went all out...meaning I started the Greensville league, which has become an annual battleground for people far funnier than those in Sam's league.

If I could only put those achievements down on my resumé

Interviewer: "I see here your team The Scorpion Deathcocks took the league championship in 2007...very impressive"

Me: "I owe it all to the whitest man in the NFL...Kurt Warner"

Interviewer: "How does $250,000.00 a year sound?

Me: "Sounds a little light, considering I also led the Deckster Manlees to a championship that same year. My skills at selecting players and letting fate do the rest is a highly desirable commodity any agency would love to have...I suggest you pay up or shut up"

Interviewer: "Try not to make a scene when security arrives."

This Sunday will be a good time no matter how well I draft. For I know the next 17 Sundays and Mondays (and the occasional Thursday and Saturday) will provide tears, laughs and broken dreams. Damn, I'm a nerd...a nerd with two titles to defend.

So in the words of the Nature Boy Rick Flair: "To be the man...you got to beat the man........(chest hack) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

here have a lil "Stylin' and Profilin'"

"Why Go Hiking When You Can Ride a Jet Boat?"-

2008-08-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

-Read a billboard on the way to Fontana, NC on Saturday. Unfortunately I was way too sleepy and way too slow to get a picture of the advertisement.

I got this pic though.

Despite popular belief Park is heterosexual. Also, he is now a certified semi-pro mountain biker... so congratulations are in order, despite his womanly wardrobe.

Went down to Fontana to watch Park compete in a 6-hour mountain biking endurance race. Met a lot of cool people, got some reading done and went swimming to boot. Though in the lead, Park decided to stop riding around hour 4 due to several flat tires, tightness in his legs and the fact that he wasn't having fun. Which raises a question about the idea of competition. If you are a racer, fighter and you aren't having fun; why continue when you've loss interest and there is no team relying on your efforts? I'd rather see my friend end a race prematurely and walk away happy, than continue just for the sake of a race, cramp up on the drive home and kill us both in his 1985 volvo going down a mountain. I do believe that resolve, integrity and the ability to commit are important traits, but a line must be drawn when they are used to one's detriment. Big ups to Skippy Titsworth though:

Saturday wasn't all racing and swimming. We were about a mile from the Fontana Dam, the tallest dam on the east coast. So I set upon this landmark with a digital camera in my hands and G-Unit's new CD "Terminate On Sight" in my ears. Ain't nature grand?

This was shot from the road that traverses on top the dam. I think I need to lay off the force perspective shot for a minute, but you get the idea. This was about the time 50 cent delivered a very important inquiry. "Alllll ABOARD!...bitch don't miss the train. Fifty dat nigga, fuck wrong witcha brain?"

Backside of the dam. Very pretty, very peaceful, very long fall from the top.

The Tennessee River I presume? I often hear people say that hydro electric is the cleanest form of energy. I don't know about that but 50 says "Spin the barrel on a nigga, pin the tail on the donkey. It's a zoo out this bitch, I put a hole in the monkey". It's not an energy policy, but I understand where he is going.

On top the dam. These big ole holes look down the middle of the structure. Not much to see though except some water, bombs and corpses. Not shown: water, bombs, corpses.

Passed a bonsai stand on the way back. If I were a richer man I would have bought one of the smaller plants. Park didn't buy anything either though...so we are both jerks. They guy selling the plants kept referring to "The Karate Kid Show" I remember the movie, but I guess I missed the short lived daytime game show.

Oh yeah, moved to Asheville, NC last week. I'll explain later. Until then take it away Tony Yayo: "Next day it's the GT, stunt off of G.P. Fist full of stones, fingers glowin like E.T"

Lyrics and addition comedic fodder provided by

Stay Gold

2008-07-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

I never knew Estelle Getty, but I imagine she was an okay lady. Out of the the 3 elderly women and a power forward, she was definitely my favorite on the show. Hell, I even dressed as her for once for Halloween. It may have been impossible to make a 6 foot black man look like a 4'3 old lady, but I think I did a good job.

There were a couple of people who mistook me for Tyler Perry's character Madea, but a few fist fights brought that to an end. That was the night I also learned Estelle was actually the youngest of the Golden Girls...and the hottest (sorry Blanche).

So yeah... take her easy Estelle...take her easy all the way home.

P.S Sam Dixon if you are reading this and you have the picture of you dressed as Bee Arthur on the same night (the power forward) please help a brother out.

A Wise Man Once Said: "Fuck Em' If They Can't Take a Joke"

2008-07-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

When it rains it pours. The Goddess of laughter bestowed her bounty upon me last week in many different forms. The first blessing came in the shape of the documentary: “King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. On the surface this film is a report on retro video games and the quest to be recognized as the best gamer in the world via the international scoreboard maintained by Twin Galaxies. Soon the viewer steps out of the documentary and into a classic tale of good vs. evil. Since 1982 Billy Mitchell has held the record for highest score on Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr. Obviously he is also gunning for the record of the world’s biggest tool as well. All is going well for Mr. Mitchell until a father in Washington is laid off from his job. After loosing his job, Steve Wiebe dedicates himself to usurping Billy Mitchell as the King of Kong. So begins a story of dedication, cronyism, heartbreak and redemption. There is no way I can do this film justice; I suggest you go rent it immediately. My friend Ashton, whose opinion I hold in high regard, stated that King of Kong slid in behind The Big Lebowski as funniest movie of all time. High praise indeed, but I would say it’s somewhere in my top 10. The only movie I can compare it to is the documentary American Movie. “It’s pronounced Cuh-ven”. King of Kong will have you engaged much more deeply than you should be comfortable with. An early favorite for Netflix rental of the year…by the way Netflix will offer streaming video on Macs sometime in 2008…HIYOOOOO!

Friday night my sister took me to go see Chris Rock. For me this is equivalent to traveling back in time to hear Martin Luther King speak or seeing Black Sabbath (with Ozzy) live. I always thought I would have to scam the Make-A-Wish foundation to see Chris Rock, but Erica saved me from a potential lawsuit. Rock delivered one of the best stand-up routines I’ve seen to date. Only rivaled by his “Never Scared” special or Chappelle’s “Killing Em’ Softly”. His act was so well done that I have trouble picking out a favorite topic or punch line. The part about Anna Nicole Smith’s crew of all black pallbearers and the consistency of her notable endowments definitely stood out. Much love and thanks to Mario Joyner who warmed up the crowed magnificently. Even though Chris Rock was due to come on stage, I wasn’t done listening to him make me laugh like a giddy hyena. A great show, and I also found out that Jim Gaffigan is coming to town. If I can manage to make it out to that show I would have seen Michael Showalter, Michael Ian Black, Chris Rock and Gaffigan all in the same year and all in Richmond. Now if I can coax Sinbad out of retirement I can die happy. One suggestion for Chris Rock however: Come back to doing sketch comedy!

While on the topic of comedy, I have a few words about George Carlin. I always thought of Carlin as more of a town crier than a comedian. I would never call him the best comedian to live, but he may just have been the most important. He combined intelligence, comedy and social commentary beautifully; setting the groundwork for some of my favorite comedians today. It was sad to see him go because he left such a big hole in the comedic landscape. Bill Maher, David Cross and others have traces of Carlin DNA in their routines, but none of them can come off as legitimately angry and unapologetic as Carlin. He also wasn’t afraid to diversify his act from time to time….check out this opening from the ironically titled special “Life is Worth Loosing”

see you next time Cowboy...

WALL-E

2008-07-08T08:47:00.000-07:00

Radiohead doesn’t make bad albums, EA doesn’t make bad video games and Pixar doesn’t make bad movies. WALL-E strongly cements that last statement. I’m a sucker for animation, haven never broken the trance I entered as a child. To me, this must be the ultimate outlet for the imagination. Anything you can imagine you can illustrate.

WALL-E (Waste Allocation Load Lifter, Earth class) imagines a world hundreds of years into the future where man has left earth in ruins. Humans no longer have to exert any energy as robots and computers do all the work for the species; as they fly around space aimlessly for what could be for all eternity. Earth has become uninhabitable, largely due to mass consumption and poor treatment of the environment. Trash stacks up as high as skyscrapers and someone left one sole robot operational. WALL-E spends most his day collecting trash and stacking it into tall structures. Though the machine shows a keen human side as he collects items of interest. His curiosity is coupled by another human trait…loneliness. This is until another, far more advanced robot lands on earth in search of vegetation. WALL-E falls in love with EVE, but not so much with her space age weaponry. The major conflict involves WALL-E finding companionship, while the humans try to reestablish a settlement on earth.

Dialogue, we don’t need no stinking dialogue! At least for about the first 45 minutes or so. WALL-E is highly reminiscent of silent comedies of an age long passed but still admirable. The robots communicate through action and short broken English. There is a certain Charlie Chaplinesque feel to this movie that works fantastically. The character design is the usual from the crew at Pixar, the robots are clean and cute, and the humans are oddly proportioned. This time around however the humans sedentary lifestyle has evolved their bodies beyond the need for as many bones as you or I carry. This makes the humans look more like giant jellybeans than men or women. I used to dread computer animation, but I’ve come to my senses on this topic. I’ve never seen animation look so clean, crisp and true to form. The storyline is simple enough for children to follow, but engaging to the point where adults will find themselves being jerked by the movies twist and turns.

Overall, WALL-E is the clear front-runner for movie of the year (out of the movies I’ve seen). A deeply entertaining commentary about how a little care and compassion can go a long way in every walk of life. It’s a typical Pixar movie, but that really only means you won’t be disappointed. I’m still geeked to see The Dark Knight and The X-Files movie, but WALL-E was a nice surprise for a summer at the box office in desperate need of a few more heavy hitters.

Furthermore WALL-E has made me change my top five animated films of all time. Here is the new list.

5. The Triplets of Belleville

What other movie enlists an elderly woman and her dog as the hero in search of her son?

4. WALL-E

3. Princess Mononoke

In the words of the fantasy metal band 3 inches of Blood: "When every structure falls you will know that the forest is king!"

2. The Nightmare Before Christmas

Did anybody actually hear Tim Burton fall off?

1. The Iron Giant

Warning for my future wife: Our son's name will be Hogarth...unless you actually prefer Iron Giant.

Honorable mentions: The Lion King, Transformers and Ninja Scroll

The Salty Balti, New Yak city

2008-06-30T08:59:00.000-07:00

Get em' O's...
Taking a break from prepping the old portfolio to write for a spell.

Hanging out with my sister Kim and her cat C-Lotus in Baltimore (calling the cat Clotus will not be tolerated by either party). Wimbledon was on earlier. Serena Williams used her mammoth glutes to big girl Bethanie Mattek off the court.

Then Full House came on, and Kim told me that the actress that played Stephanie got hooked on the meth (true) and DJ is all up on Jesus now (true). Uncle Jessie plays on some run-of-the-mill hospital show (debatable), Bob Saget refuses to use humor during his stand up routines (guitars are no substitute for the funny) and Dave Collier cut it out (false...it is fully intact).

About to go eat lunch and go print out my portfolio for an interview tomorrow in NY. There I will sleep on Frank's couch and in the morning I will hunt C.H.U.Ds in the sewer until it is time for my interview. I will present the first person I meet at the agency with the head of a C.H.U.D as a sign of peace. If I find an alligator in the sewer I will name it CrocCab and charge people large pieces of fish for rides.

That's about all the nonsense I can muster...until next time.

Party's over

2008-06-19T17:30:00.000-07:00

"One love, one life, one too many victims. Republicrat, Democran, one party system" -Sage Fracis

I think I'm finally prepared to declare myself an independent. You could confuse me for a liberal I guess, but cheering for the Democrats seems an awful lot like being a Chicago Cubs fan. Half the fun is in the misery.

This series of clips probably did more to provoke my decision than anything else. Have you watched political television or listened to talk radio recently? It really isn't too far from this. Both sides yelling and swearing that all of the nation's problems are on the other guy's team. Ralph Nader caught a lot of guff in 2000 for saying that there wasn't a dime worth of difference between the two major parties. Granted, those distributing the guff were also trying to promote one of the two favored candidates.

As a new card carrying independent (I keep it in my wallet in between my NRA membership and my Pizza Delivery Drivers Union card) I don't really feel like casting a vote for either of these two parties. I've only voted for a major party once. That was in '04 under the belief of voting for the lesser of two jokers. The bigger joker won. Now faced with two brand new jokers I don't understand how people can invest so much, time, energy, money and heart into either of the parties. They want your vote, they want your money, they want your help as a vessel for their message and careers. Personally, I really don't see what there is to be gained by declaring yourself a conservative or a liberal. At best. it's a convenient label that reduces the time it takes for me to judge you. At worst, you are making it easier for people to manipulate your feelings and actions.

Every once in awhile I tune in to staunch the screaming, old school conservative Micheal Savage. Say what you want to about this guy, but he is brutally genuine. I rarely agree with him, but I was fortunate enough to turn on the radio in time to hear grandpa regale the nation with this story. In this tale he positions himself as a the frog and the Republican party as the scorpion. The idea is pretty much the party has used him in the past to boost their numbers and agenda. What makes this metaphor so powerful is that it fits for many people and many parties around the world. Enjoy:

A frog on his way to the creek came upon a scorpion waiting at the shore. The scorpion cried out “Frog, I cannot swim, but if you let me ride you across the street not only would you be saving my life but I promise not to sting you”. After a short discussion the frog was convinced that he should do a good deed and help the scorpion across the water. After a few moments the two were safely across the creek. As the frog made it to land the scorpion quickly stung the frog. “Scorpion…” said the Frog “Why did you lie, why did you sting me after I carried you across the creek. The scorpion replied, “Because I’m a scorpion and I can.”

Friday the 13th

2008-06-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

Quick story time. Friday the 13th came and went and even though I wasn’t killed with a pair of hedge clippers or a post-hole digger I did experience some bad luck. After spending Thursday night (one of my few days off) drinking a Heineken and playing Mario Kart Wii, I was determined to go out and socialize Friday night. Everything started okay, but as the night was coming to an end I got a call from my sister and had to journey down to Shockoe Bottom. While waiting to meet her I parallel parked and watched the bars empty out. As the numerous bad cars, with bad music cruised by giving me bad looks I heard a girl shout in the distance “Well, I don’t care I gotta pee!” I ignored this declaration, but then noticed in the corner of my eye a scantily clad harlot approaching. She was determined, she was energetic, she was drunk. Before I could protest she…how do I say this with class…she popped a squat right in front of my car. I just bought this car about a month ago and I’ll be damnned if some boozed up tart was going to be the first to pee on my ride. As I went to yell something to the effect of “Hey stop leaking hour old Bud Light on my car!” Her boyfriend saw me in the car and yelled at her “Yo, B-boy in the car!” Startled, but not phased she continued while her boyfriend acted as a shield from public view. Which wasn’t working nearly as well as he had hoped, being traffic was still flowing next to us and everybody was rubbernecking like there was a police car on fire. Here comes the kicker(s). After she used her sniper like accuracy to pinpoint her urine between my car and the other parked in front, her boyfriend and I exchanged a prison visit like fist bump through the windshield. The horror was not over though. She pulled up her knickers and then ran over to the driver side of my car. Before I could lurch forward and pin her between the two cars, she quickly lunged inside my car and gave me a hug. I think I would have preferred a post-hole digger in the spine.

So yeah…that was my Friday night.

Step up your road turtle game son!

2008-06-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

"Anytime you see a turtle on top a of a fence post, you know he had some help" - Alex Haley

Went on vacation to the Outer Banks about a week ago, and managed to return without a white oval bumper sticker expressing an abbreviation of the place I had just visited. I rode down with my friend Ephrim and I was shocked to see that he had gone back in time and stole all the CDs I had in high school. While glossing over “his” CD collection and slyly slipping in a few select albums into my book bag, I heard the last thing anyone in a car wants to hear. The cry of screeching tires coupled with an abrupt and aggressive “FUCK!” from the driver. I looked up and all I saw was a turtle trying to make his way across the interstate. There was a reason they decided to make the video game Frogger and not Turtler. The game play would have suffered tremendously and the name is just awful. I’m not sure if the turtle had a death wish, was trying to win a drunken bet, or was just trying to piggyback on one of the most reliable chicken jokes of all time, but the outcome wasn’t good. I hate hitting animals while driving (during a brisk run or bike ride is preferred), and the memory of the turtle and I locking eyes before his demise reminded me of my long lost friend Toejam.

Toejam the box turtle was my first pet when I was about 10 years old. Men in a hurry call him TJ for the sake of brevity. I can only imagine that I chose to get a turtle after the success of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon that I watched religiously. Toejam was a pretty easy pet I’ll admit. Just keep his sawdust fresh and share an apple with him and he was all smiles. We had a pretty good relationship…or so I thought. One day while cleaning out his tank, I sat him on the ground outside to stretch his legs. My dad called me inside for some reason, most likely to find the remote or in some way misinform me about the habits of white people. Whatever the case when I returned to put ToeJam back in the tank, he had jetted. I’d say his legs were good and stretched. So yes, my pet turtle ran away. I don’t know why he chose to leave, but I’m sure he went to greener pastures.

The death of that turtle a few weeks ago reinvigorated my love for the reptile. I have set a personal goal of assisting 10 turtles across the street by summer’s end. These guys are royally screwed, so now when I’m driving on country roads I keep an eye constantly searching for road turtles. Note to turtles: When I’m risking my well-being and the structural integrity of my car to lend you a hand, some gratitude would be nice. Hissing at me like a scaly cat won’t get you across the street any faster. I would love some competition and since I don’t have a picture of the first turtle saved we can work on the honor system. Just make sure you move the turtle the direction he was heading. Unless he/she is in the middle of a juke move to elude traffic long passed, then you may need to ask the shelled pedestrian his destination. You never know, turtles live a long time. You may just be helping ol’ Toejam get home.

Off the Wagon

2008-05-15T14:36:00.001-07:00

Oh how the mighty have fallen. I managed to kick my Taco Bell habit years ago…and now a full relapse.

When I first went vegetarian/vegan back in high school I needed a solid option for food on the go. Burger King didn’t have a veggie burger back then. Subway had introduced the Veggie Max, but that was back before that Jared character told the public the tremendous health benefits of sucking down subs all day. Taco Bell became my opium den of choice for three reasons. 1. They have tasty bean burritos. 2. They have tasty bean burritos at .79 cents. 3. They have tasty bean burritos at .79 cents until 1 a.m., which often leads to some great people watching.

I.O. the Reader: A story about a lady of some foreign country walking up to my car during a mighty drive-thru line and asking us “Would you like to buy me something I like to drink…like chocolate milk.”

I was not alone during these times. There were always a lot of people willing to go to Taco Bell for some cheap food, but it takes a true deviant to be my wingman. I’m sure he will wish to remain anonymous and I will respect that position. I’d never drop the dime on you Matt Dinsmore of Asheville, North Carolina, you’re secret is safe with me. Much like Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Toro in Fear and Loathing Las Vegas our dependencies on our drug of choice felt more comfortable when you look across the table and see someone in as deep as you. It got to the point we were using bean burritos as currency or payback for favors…that’s right “Burrito Debt” made our modern credit crunch look like an economic sniffle. It got to the point where I was more flour, bean and mild sauce than man. After a fierce bout with a disease doctors dubbed “Burritomaine Poisoning” I was forced to cut back and eventually enter a five-year Taco Bell hiatus.

About a month ago I pulled into the Taco Bell drive-thru, like a recovering addict walking down the same street he used to score his medicine. I had convinced myself that I had broken my old ways and now it was fine if I had one burrito. After all I’m older and more responsible now, and haven’t I proved that I could control the beany beast within me? No. Over the last two weeks I’ve eaten probably 8 burritos, a shell of my former self, but still cause for concern. As I finish writing this blog post, my mind drifts into fantasy. For only 10 minutes away salvation lies…at only $1.09.

Goodnight sweet Princess

2008-05-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

1995 Honda Accord.

Imagine if you will a black stallion running through the countryside. Galloping with all his might, legs sturdy and strong and a body smooth and clean. The previous statements accurately describe my car...six years ago.

Now imagine that same black stallion. Except its not really running through a countryside. More like sauntering through the meadows. The legs on this beast are far from sturdy and the body has long lost a great deal of shine. Some one get the Elmer's on the line, I think I have some glue to donate. Such is the current state of my car; a shell of its former self, but could still kick you in the neck if you fail to protect said head/body connector.

I bought my car in 2000 with 93,000 miles on the girl. Today its has just over 285,000 miles. Most of those 192,000 miles went to pizza delivery, though some are due to memorable road trips to Cincinnati, North Carolina, Baltimore and Varina. I vividly remember driving towards Cincinnati with 5 people in my car and pretty much laughing the entire way, even though my legs were numb, my eyes were like hub caps and each mile bringing me closer to the deadly road coma. Good thing other people can drive stick because I can only "rest my eyes' for thirty seconds at a time. My car has brought me more joy than pain, and that includes the time I tried to use hot radiator fluid as an astringent (Don't open your radiator cap...ever....even when it's dead cold outside and your car hasn't moved in months). The abundance of good times I relate to my car is why it's so hard for me to say goodbye to the old girl. I only assume its a female...I never got around to having it checked for sex.

At this point I have 9 toes out the door and one left in Richmond. Therefore I set out to sell my car to get something newer and more reliable. I was surprised to see how many people were interested in a a car with 285k miles, no A/C and the ability to only pick up conservative talk radio stations. I think it has more to do with gas prices than a common affinity for cars past their prime however.

It is my hope that this car reaches 300k and I don't see why it won't. My only regret is that I won't be the owner when she reaches this milestone. My dad is a huge car guy who takes meticulous care of his vehicles. A little bit of that has rubbed off on me. Not the cleaning part, but the part of caring about something in which you have invested so much time and money.

Hopefully within the week I can get her into new hands, but I'm going to enjoy driving her around for these last couple of days. That is unless she breaks down and consequently breaks my heart. Then I believe this is just another case of Love TKO and I will still try to sell her to the unsuspecting public.